Irritable Bowel Syndrome Message Boards | Dreading dr's appt tomorrow

Hi Michele -

Haven't been on the board for a while - we moved, husband started a new job and things have been really hectic.

I am so very upset about your situation. I was able to read the board here a few weeks ago very briefly, but I was on long enough to see that you were expecting - with twins, no less! My husband and I were elated and so very happy for you and Will.

I checked the board last night and I was devestated to see that you miscarried again. I am sad, angry and exasperated for you. My husband and I had been praying for you and when I told him he started to cry.

I am so very sorry that you are going through this. My husband and I had a miscarriage a few years ago and it is still very hard. Your sentiment of "screw it all, I'm hurting, my babies are dead and I don't want to get over it. Life's not ok, I'm not ok and this REALLY sucks!" mirrors how I still feel about it.

Sure, you get to the point where you keep on going, but I will be honest from my experience. I will always miss my baby. I think about her almost every day. I wonder what she looked like, what she would be doing now if she were here, what her little personality would be like....it is hard.

To be honest, I think that women are told too much to move on or get over it. We lost a child, for goodness sake. A little baby was inside of us and now it is gone. We had no control over what happened, but somehow we feel as if we are to blame.

This is just my perspective, but I feel that women need to feel that it is OK to miss their baby and not be labeled as "ineffective coping" or "prolonged grieving". As far as I can tell, I will miss my baby for the rest of my life. Will I go on? Yes. Will I experience joy in other areas of my life? Of course. Does life still hold promise and hope? Yes! But my husband and I are still so very sad about it. There is a hole in my heart that will never heal. And you know what? I think that is OK. I think the real danger is if we become emotionally numb and try to forget and shove those feelings deep down.

What we choose to do with our loss is what can make or break us. We can choose to let things 'make us bitter or better'. It sounds like you are doing a very good job at finding good outlets for your grief - counselor, Will, supportive friends, new puppy, etc.

My husband and I needed to keep on going, but we didn't want our baby to feel like we were forgetting her. So we did and continue to do some things to include her in our lives. For example, my husband and I are Catholic, so this impacts how we chose to deal with our loss. We buried our baby in the cemetery next to my great-great-grandparents. We remember each year the day she died and pray for her, and ask her to pray for us. We have hope that we will see her again in Heaven someday. When we can afford to do so, I plan on having a ring made with her what her birthstone would have been in it. Perhaps you and Will could agree on some way to find peace and meaning in your loss together?

We are very private people, but as we feel led, we share our story with others who have miscarried. My husband and I didn't know anyone who had miscarried at the time, and we felt so very alone. It would have helped to know someone who had so we could have talked. It brings us a little comfort to know that our loss could perhaps in time help others.

Michele - please don't feel that you have to 'be brave' or 'get over it'. Cry those tears! Scream, yell, get mad! Ask WHY? All of these are very valid and reasonable things to do. You babies were very precious. You loved them. You still do. That is OK! Love doesn't have to die when people do. Love lives on forever. That is what makes it so powerful.

I hope that you and Will in your own time can find a way to commemorate, celebrate or remember your babies' lives in a way that is helpful and meaningful to you both. Please know that we are thinking of you and Will and praying for better days ahead soon.

Love,

Little Lamb

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