Oh dear
#236170 - 01/06/06 06:24 AM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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They're running these ads on tv about how "depression hurts." TELL me about it!! 
I'm sleeping about 16 hours a day now cos that's the only time I don't feel horrible. My back feels like a vice is squeezing it all the time. Looking at light hurts. Man, I wish it were SPRING!!
My boss emailed me at 8pm last night to tell me there was a meeting today at 9:30. It's 9:17, and I just got the message and he's pissed I won't be coming in. Work is like a huge weight hanging over my head right now!!
I can't WAIT til the sun comes out!
~nelly~
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Oh honey! I'm so sorry you're feeling this badly! Have you ever thought of maybe a tanning salon or something similar? Perhaps it would mimic the effects of your much-missed sun.
*hugs* I hope you feel better soon! Just think, the days are getting longer!
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Dear Nelly,
This is not good. Are you on anti-depressants? As you know, it's a chemical imbalance and you won't just snap of out it hon. Is this because of your SAD? if so, Isabel's idea of a tanning salon is a good one. Or you can buy special lights to treats SAD. A friend in college sat in front of one for 30 mins every day and it helped her SO much.
I'm sorry about work.
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Thanks Tina
#236190 - 01/06/06 07:39 AM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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Right now even stepping out of the house is daunting. If I had the energy to go outside, I know I'd feel better! Stoopid SAD.
I do have one of those sun lights for SAD, but it's not helping at the mo. I can't seem to break the gravitational pull of my room right now. It's like my soul is being ripped apart whenever I think of getting into my car, like it just feels "wrong" to leave at the moment. A very weird feeling to try to explain. 
My boss keeps emailing me and every time I see a message from him, I feel like crawling under my bed and putting my hands over my ears. Ever get that feeling?
~nelly~
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Re: Oh dear
#236191 - 01/06/06 07:41 AM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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You're totally right, I need to break the gravitational pull of this place and just get out there. The very idea makes me queasy~! 
Thanks for hte hugs!!! It makes it better talking about it. Feeling down is no fun!!
~nelly~
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I believe if your body wants to sleep like crazy you should let it But I would limit it. How long have you been sleeping for 16 hours? Days? Weeks?
This is tough. And too bad your lamp isn't helping. Is the BF being supportive? Is a trip down south at all possible? There are some super good deals right now and even a weekend away would help. You'd have to leave the house but the sun might revive you.
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Oh Nel!
#236199 - 01/06/06 08:08 AM
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Linz
Reged: 09/01/03
Posts: 8242
Loc: England
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That's depression no doubt....go get some a-d's. If the light isn't helping then it's not just SAD. And you have enough depression triggers going!
And can you find a physio that does TrP release? I bet that's at least partly why your back feels so ****. I know what that feels like and it's so horrible. And yup, that alone makes you not want to wake up!
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Poor Nelly
#236202 - 01/06/06 08:14 AM
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cailin
Reged: 08/12/04
Posts: 3563
Loc: Dublin, Ireland
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You poor thing, January is always a tough month but with the SAD and your sore back it sounds awful.
I do think the sleeping so much sounds like depression, get yourself sorted with a prescription and that will hopefully help. Hope the back gets better soon too.
Do try to get out, if you can, you know you should and you have the strength inside to, we are all rooting for you!
Take care
--------------------
S.
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Re: Thanks Tina
#236243 - 01/06/06 09:50 AM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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I'd love to go South for the winter! I will lobby BF aggressively about it. Money's so super tight right now, I haven't even really been able to have a proper drive anywhere. I've been sleeping way too much, usually from 10pm to 9am, with a 3 hour nap around 4-ish. It's the only time I'm not in any pain!!  
~nelly~
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Thanks everyone
#236245 - 01/06/06 09:55 AM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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I appreciate the suggestions! I just blew my last $120 on Ambien so I can't afford to see a doctor right now. This no insurance thing is really bumming me out.
I see a fibro doctor on the 31st, and even though it's going to cost me an arm and a leg (around $1700-- I'm going into debt with my parents to afford it) I know it'll be the best thing for me.
The SAD lamp doesn't give me energy at the moment, but it does stop me from sleeping all day. That thing is BRIGHT. My tummy is doing well right now, so that's one thing not to stress about. I just wish I could get some energy and a teaspoon of happiness right now!
Thanks guys for listening. I appreciate the support!
~nelly~
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Sorry your in such a funk right now! I, too, hate all these dark days. I had no idea the Ambien was that expensive, ouch! I guess I really should be thankful for having such good insurance. Too bad you didn't live a little closer, I'd come over and drag you out for a little fun! 
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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I can certainly understand back pain! Ouch! I'm sorry. Did I miss something here? When did the back pain start?
I hope you feel much better soon....and give that boss a kick in the rear for me.
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I know that commercial. Everytime I see it I hope my SIL ("Carol is faking for attention") Sue is watching.
I hope you feel better soon. Sunshine is on the way.
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Carol
nós somos o que nós somos e o descanso é merda
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I have a mild case of SAD too. All I want to do is hibernate, eat carbs and complain,LOL! Hang in there, girl. Solstice has passed, the days only get longer form here on in. 
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Keep on keepin' on...
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All I want to do is sleep. I've been like that for the last few days. Even on weekends lately while hubby is home, all I do is sleep. I can't wait for spring. I truly hate winter - for more than one reason - depression is just the beginning.
Hugs hugs and more hugs.
Try some hot tea and a good book or magazine. I find it helps.
Another thing I did today - I felt awful, but made myself get dressed, put on makeup and fix my hair. You know what? I felt a bit better. But then I had a nap and felt worse.
Sigh.
--------------------
Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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Oh Nelly, this makes me so sad.
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I really have to say that I had no idea how debilitating it is. I also have it but it usually hits in Feb and is not nearly as bad as yours.
If I win the lottery, I'll send you all somewhere tropical to live it up!
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I hope better? I'm thinking of you and sending you loads of love, joy, happiness, light, and one day closer to Spring *hugs*
Ruch
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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Thank you sweetie. It's so dark and cold where I am now and I just know that if I were off in the desert somewhere getting some serious light I'd be less of a mess!
To ocmpound things, I'm turning to bad tricks to elevate my moods including trying to caffinate myself and gorge on chocs, etc to get some energy up. I do just enough to get loopy then crash from all the carbs and sugar for a couple more hours before bedtime. Boooo!
On top of it all, my asthma has been pretty much uncontrollable yesterday and today, with me throwing up a perfectly good sandwich out the window of BF's moving car as soon as he lit up his cigarrette, and then another round this morning with some canned dog food smell that hit me as I was walking into the kitchen (There went the morning tea). So It's getting hard to keep things down, and my throat is big time sore as a result.
I'm going to try eating something soft for today. Easier to swallow, easier to un-swallow.
~nelly~
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Re: Thanks Tina
#236723 - 01/08/06 03:21 PM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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No! Save yourself, Tina! Outrun the sadness!!!
~nelly~
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I'm glad Nel! *hugs* At least I brought SOME of the sun here to you
Keep posting ok....I know it helps me when I feel this way.
Can you do Stevia? (Wish I could!) Maybe make yourself some "non-sugary yet sugary flavored" desserts for a treat.
Why can't you keep anything down? Asthma?
You poor things *mega hugs*
Spring had better make an appearance for you soon....
(I know what you mean about foods. I have like about 15-20 things in the wolrd I CAN eat...and I bought something today by mistake and the pain has returned )
Here's to Nelly and Ruchie....and a new US 
Seriously...I love you Nel. Keep on keeping on.
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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Tina, I'm glad yours isn't in effect...Tommy how bout yours?
SAD is brutal
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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You and I are a team, Ruchie!! I know we can get through this with a little help from our friends! Yeah, my asthma has been horrible this week. I get the feeling like I have yogurt dripping in the back of my throat but it's just my sinuses. I'm especially susceptible to cold air, smells, smoke, etc., so those things will trigger my throat to fill up with fluid... if I don't spit fast enough or blow it out my nose, I'll actually gag and throw up. It makes me feel like drowning and I can only take half a breath and I'm always gasping for air or spitting or puking... Pleasant girlfriend stuff, ya know?
So I had a sore throat all day from my last bout. I've just been popping benedryls and managed to ifnd a 2 year old inhaler that I unplugged the nozzle with a paper clip. ("Health care on a budget.")
I can have steak, so I defrosted a couple from this large stash BF received from his dad for xmas. I'm hoping he won't notice. I'm planning to have those for Monday and Tuesday, and stay AWAY from any allergens (including the dog!!!).
SIGH. Spring better come SOON. Only 8 days til I can reup on my IBS medicine, and 23 days til I see the fibro doc!!!
~nelly~
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My surgery is the 26th of Jan. Your doc appointm. is the 30 or 31st right??
I know about throwing up mucous. Did it when I was a kid. But not often...
You POOR THING! NO FAIR I say!!! *pouts and stomps feet*
Eat that steak! Tell bf it's medicinal!
You just take care of you and don't worry about anything else ok?? *hugs*
Gotta get us better NOW! What do you say...team Nel and Ruch 
Sending you hugs and and a new inhaler
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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Re: Hugs to Nelly!
#236783 - 01/08/06 06:42 PM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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Thinking of the fun we could have if we lived closer was the best 5 minutes of my day, Michele!! 
Yeah, 30 pills for $120. Ambien's gonna kill me in the budget department. My T-3 is about $45 for 120 pills, I get 3 vics for $10 a month (!), the donatal is about $91, and the hycoscimine spray is $45. Loperamide runs about $140 a month, depending on how much I buy (I buy only what I can afford).
In all, about $451 in pills a month, without antihistamines, nasal spray, soma, or nortryptaline.
But I don't get paid that much a month, so I can't afford everything all the time. (Lucky my rent, bills and food are covered by my live-in BF).
Best not to dwell on it!!!!! I'm hoping for happy dreams away from meds and dark days tonight. I had a nap today with flying dreams... that was nice!
~nelly~
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Nel and Ruch! Nel and Ruch!!
I see the fibro doc on Tuesday the 31st. Wonder what my horescope for that day is?? I don't want to look if it's bad! LOL, medicinal steak! I've used that excuse before!!
I will be sending you good, calming thoughts for the 26th, Ruch! AND for the 25th and 27th.
I too will pound foot softly (*softly stomping foot*) as not to aggrevate my asthma! You're a pal, Ruchie!
~nelly~
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LOL
You crack me up Nelly!
The 31st...we are late January...patients
Are you looking forward to the appointment? Nervous? Happy? Relieved?
I'm sure you're gonna be in great care...enjoy the trip!
I'm feeling lightheaded and sweaty...yikes! Wish I were having some steak tom. Nel...might be good to get some iron in me
Maybe I'll go buy myself some meat tom....thanks for the idea
Your asthma had better watch out...Nel and Ruch are on the looseeeee LOL
*hugs* YOUR a pal Nel...you've always been there for me. Thank you
Love ya!
Ruch (That's the 2nd gal from Nel and Ruch...)
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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I have been doing ok. We have had a mild winter here in NYC with a lot of sunshine and warm weather. Last year it was REALLY bad! But, I also attribute being better this year to my the happiness I share with my lovely wife!
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I've actually been really nervous and upset thinking about the appointment. It is 160 miles away and I'm worried about the drive up, stressing about having to get a hotel room, and also nervous because my mom is coming with me and she's not exactly the most calming person on the planet.
I should be HAPPY I'm going to get all checked out, but I keep having these dreams that I'm crying in front of the doctor, reliving the pain over and over. It's all up in my head, ya know? I just can't get all the "what ifs" out of my mind. It's like I can't think of anything else, and it's been weeks.
I don't want to be stressed. I actually took the 1st appointment they had (even tho it was a month and a half away at the time) because I didn't want the endless waiting.
I hate it when I get this way. I wish I could RELAX!
I actuallly had a crying fit last night for something so stupid (BF put some of my clothes on the floor). I'm so stressed out about the doctor's visit!! It's so hard for me to go to a new doctor, all the uncertainity brings back horrible memories of the miriad of docs I've visited that DON'T CARE.
Tummy be damned. I'm having a beer. Gotta calm down!
~nelly~ 1/2 of Nel and Ruch
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Yikes, I can't believe its that much! Are you getting the generic? I have insurance where I pay $10 for generic, $20 name brand and $40 for select "premium" drugs. However, the donnatol I get, I only have to pay like $4.91 or something silly. Same thing with my Xanax. I have a fresh refill on Donnatol and haven't been taking many at all so if you run low, let me know and I'll hook you up!
I agree with someone who posted earlier, if I win the lotto, I'll take you all someplace tropical! I know I sure could use it too. Even though I upped my dose of Zoloft and have Harley, I'm still having some really bad days. My girlfriend who would normally drag me out for some fun is also the one who just lost her fiance, so its been pretty somber around my place too. Stupid bodies, stupid depression, stupid cold and dark, stupid pain, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!  Sorry, guess thats probably not helping you feel any better, now is it?  Aw well, at least we can gripe together! Hugs!!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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LOL! Actually "stupid, stupid, stupid!" mad me laugh, because that's what I was saying to myself about my stomach/SAD earlier today!!! I was saying "I hate IBS!!!" out loud a bunch, and that helped calm my stomach down a bit!!
Michele, you're a champ! As usual!!
~nelly~
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Nelly, try not to get to stressed about things. I have not read every one of the posts here so forgive my ignorance. Why is your mom coming with you to the Dr.?
A beer will hopefully calm you down. It is a good thing taht you will be going to the Dr. Just relax, I know it is easier said than done. I need to take my own advice on that front. but, what can you do?
Good luck and let us know what will happen...
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You have every right to be nervous/anxious/upset, etc.
You have every RIGHT to your feelings...never forget that (did I say never?? I never say never...oooh, just said it again! What is with me today??? )
Seriously! I would be too. It's scary to get another Dx. It's scary to be in a hotel room so far away from anything familiar. It's all scary.
But I'm PROUD OF YOU for feeling the fear and having the nightmeres and all...and doing it ANYWAY!
It's going to be ok. You're gonna lean on all of us! We're all here for you...
Whatever he says...you can handle it. Because you will NOT be handling it alone *gentle hugs across the cyberworld coming to Nel from Ruch....*
I love you...we ALL do Nelly!
So keep posting and sharing your feelings. They are NOT stupid, silly, or whatever. They are precious because they are YOURS!
I love you, MWAH!
Ruch of Nel and Ruch
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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*HUGS*
#236882 - 01/09/06 09:08 AM
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melitami
Reged: 02/23/04
Posts: 1213
Loc: Ewing, NJ, USA (IBS-D, Vegetarian)
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Deep breath! Remember I go to this doctor, and it's a new guy (since the one who was there left just before Christmas), and I'll see him next Monday (the 16th), so I will give you the scoop!!! The nurse there is awesome though, listens and writes down every little symptom and is so sweet.
Can't really help with the hotel room and your mom though unfortunately Wish I could help, but I don't have a driver's license, or else I'd offer to drive up there to help you out!
--------------------
Melissa
Friendship is thicker than blood. ~Rent
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I understand the stress of appts, the reliving the details, the trying to express to the dr's just how bad the pain is. I've been dreading the thought of seeing another fertility specialist. Dreading having to go over the details and worried about having a meltdown in the office. So, what I've decided to do is to start collecting my medical records from the various dr's I've seen and make a kind of outline of whats happened in the past couple of years. I figure if I work on it in my own time than I won't feel rushed and I'll be less likely to forget something important. I figure it would be better for me to just hand the new dr a page or two of everything outlined, than have to sit and explain it all and get all emotional. Could you do something like this? It might help take some of the stress and anxiety off. Sounds to me like you could use a Xanax!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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{{{hugs}}}
You can do this Nel!
I'd say a medical file is a good idea...and put a list in it of everything you want to mention/ask. I do a file now with a list of all my symptoms and when they started, a list of my meds, a list of the tests I've had done and put in a new list of questions each time I go.
Can you find a hotel online and book it beforehand? That way you can check out room facilities, food options, etc, etc way ahead of time.
Good luck!
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Oh NElly. I hope you're better today????
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I do need to be reminded to REALX! I'm living my life all up in my head right now and it's got to get out!
Thanks for the reminder we're all get to be in the same situation sometimes. My mom is coming with me because my appointment with meds, blood tests, and exam will cost roughly $1,700 (that's in mom-dollars cos I'm broke & have no insurance). She's being very supportive, but a little smothering which can be a little claustraphobic and intense for a 3 hour trip together in the same car.
Hm, that sounds pretty comic, really. Maybe I'll focus on that for now.
~nelly~
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Ruch, you make me laugh and give me hope.
I feel so much better sharing what's going on in my head. Just posting yday and today have helped calm me down a little. [Deeeep breath!]
~nelly~
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Re: *HUGS*
#236958 - 01/09/06 03:07 PM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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I'm going to be staying at Le Motel 6 the night before and the night after, all take care of courtesy of my mom. No worries about me, Mel, and no reason to put yourself out!!! If you have an hour at a coffee shop somewhere where we can meet up, cool, but since I know there'll be school stuff during the week, no pressure, OK? Besides, we live too close to not meet up sometime, right?
Thank you so much for the hugs, and {{{HUGS}}} right back atcha! They really do work and everyone's concern and help makes me feel just a little bit lighter in my load.
~nelly~
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Michele, you hit it on the head. It's like I can do the whole presentation without even blinking my eyes or pausing for breath, but at the first "Nelly, that's awful, how does that make you feeeel?" i fall completely apart.
I've been writing out notes, really extensive ones I'm going to crib off of or can show him if I start not making sense.
Your idea of a timeline is BRILLIANT, and I think that will put it all into perspective for him. A xanax or three wouldn't hurt as well, I know. Not like I can get even more emotional about the situation, right?
I'm going to start working on a timeline right now.
Michele, you never cease to amaze me with your cutting insight. You really have an amazing gift of clarity come out of all these trials and tribulations. Thanks for helping me and using your power for GOOD.
~nelly~ Newly inspired
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I went super low-budg on the hotel because it was really close to the clinic! I looke dit up online through some discount brokers, then called them directly and used their "internet only" fare wcich was the lowest one anyway: about $58 a night for 3 nights. The chain is recognized so I don't anticipate any problems.
Thanks for the thought-- I can do a page-by-page by year so he can see how my symptoms have progressed and new ones have come up. It'll be good too cos he can see by season who the SAD affects everything. GOOD IDEA
Linz Rocks!
~nelly~
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Hey S-S
#236963 - 01/09/06 03:42 PM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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A little, but I've had to resort to a beer or two to calm the nerves. I went into work this morning for a high-stress meeting, one of these "Here's the laws the gov't can't break. Now you as the private contractor needs to find a way to break them. Here are some suggestions..." and it kinda went on like that for a couple of hours and 4 pages of cryptic notes I definitely don't want anybody transcribing. (!!!)
So I headed home for a quick change into some sweatpants and a beer, and a nap.
I guess the outside world WAS as scary as I purported it to be this last week. But now I'm trying to laugh it off with my BF (he gets this stuff all the time too). So it was an interesting break in the day.
I can't help my mind from drifting off into your new world of wedded bliss, my friend!! Is it all long looks and zings when your fingers brush? ...!
~nelly~
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