Irritable Bowel Syndrome Message Boards | Well, its Monday, I'm at work

somehow, I got up, got dressed, combed my hair and drove to the office. Its all a bit of a blur but I am here. I had a pile of crap to sort out on my desk from the days I was gone but I think its mostly straighten out. Its very quiet today and I'm alone in the office. Its hard. I feel like I have to act normal, like everything is ok when someone calls to make an appt or stops in to pick something up and I just want to scream ITS NOT OK, I"M NOT OK, MY BABIES ARE DEAD. I go through moments of time just sitting and starring and being numb. Other times I cry unconsoluably.

I'm pretty heavily medicated. I'm taking Vicodin for the cramping and physical pain from the surgery and my shrinking, empty uterus. I'm on Xanax for the mental anquish and back to taking Amien to sleep. The little bit of sleep I'm getting is haunted and restless. I'm very jumpy and seem to be afraid of every noise. I seem to have an endless supply of tears. I hurt to my very soul and feel dazed, angry-angry doesn't seem to really cover it, down right pissed off is a bit closer to the truth.

I have an appt with my shrink tomorrow night and see the dr on Wednesday for my surgery follow up. I doubt he will be able to tell me anything as it takes several weeks for the chromosone testing to come back on my babies. I'm trying to get as much info on possible causes and make a list to be sure I've been tested for everything. It makes me hurt and angry when a couple of my "local" so called girlfriends tell me to keep trying. None of them have been there for me. None of them went through the testing with me. None of them checked to see how I was handling all the hormones I was on. None of them have a clue of what it has all involoved yet they think I'm giving up too easily. I don't want to give up, I want a baby but how can I continue to create life when I know my body will just let that life die. Is that right? If the dr's can't tell me anything other than I've had some really crappy luck, how do I try it again. Everyone kept telling me to just enjoy the pregnancy and not worry about every little number and every little pain. I did that and I think I did that really well. If my some miracle, I do get pregnant again, how am I going to be able to go everyday wondering if the baby is dead or alive inside of me?

But, on the other hand, I want a baby so badly. Am I being too weak in thinking I might not have the heart to go throught his yet again. I am a planner and not real good at waiting for things but I think I've been more than patient here. I don't know if these answers will be clearer in time, what if they aren't? I think I'm probably babbling now, I'm sorry. I'm sure I'm not making a whole lot of sense but I feel like this is really the only place where I can just let it out. Will is hurting too and can't handle my tears anymore and certainly isn't ready to talk about the future in anyway. I'm trying to stick to the one day at a time thing but there are just so many unanswered questions.

Linz, I'm going to check out that site today and look for info there. I've also found a recurrent pregnancy loss board that I'm going to check out.

Thanks everyone for your continued support. The phone calls and emails and messages have given me hope and the streagnth to keep going. When I sometimes feel that I just can't go on anymore, that I just can't possibility deal with one more thing, I think of Will and all of you and know that with your combined streagnth that somehow, I can go on. Thank you

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Taking it one day at a time.....

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