Does anyone else feel like this?
#222172 - 10/30/05 08:56 PM
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Stephie
Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 2696
Loc: Vancouver, Canada
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Hi guys,
I figured if anyone might understand this, it would be all of you guys so here goes..
Does anyone else feel really like "gun shy" about making new friends and stuff?
As some of you probably know, I posted back in February-March about a big "break up" I had with one of my best friends. The truth is, she is a horrible girl but I will admit that the whole thing still tears me up. When I think about it, I still get those nervous butterfly feelings. Since then, I have lost more friends that are also friends with her. Most importantly, the girl I went to England with. I would call her, leave messages, she never phoned back. She didn't even call me on my birthday. Am I better off without them? Probably. But it still bothers me.
Okay, so the point is, now I am at this new job and I have met all these new people and it is actually going really well.. everyone actually seems to get along really well! I have met these girls and they are nice and funny but I start to feel some.. anxiety, maybe?.. when I feel like they are getting too close. Like one of the girls acts a little clingy all shift, and it makes me feel kinda nervous.
I always worry that they are going to invite me out and I won't be able to go, so maybe I should just pull away completely so I don't have to go through all that.
I don't want to feel like this, I used to be such a social person (well, mostly). I always had things to do, and I liked it. Now I like it when I don't have any plans, because then I feel like I don't have to stress. I have made a real effort and have been doing really well about getting out, making plans for every weekend and not letting my anxiety get the best of me... But with new people, it's different.. it's scarier.
Does anyone else feel like this?
If so, how do you deal with them?
Thanks guys!
Cheers,
--Steph
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~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
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I get ya!
#222190 - 10/31/05 01:21 AM
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Linz
Reged: 09/01/03
Posts: 8242
Loc: England
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I have awful trouble making new friends as I always come across as kinda unapproachable even when I don't mean to be! 
Be brave STephie! You are in control of your life...ife they ask you to go out and it's something you're not up to, explain why and suggest an alternative. We all need friends! 
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Hey - just to clarify, when you say that you're worried you won't be able to go, do you mean because of scheduling issues or becuase of a bad IBS day (or both)? I always have the latter problem; I hate making committments, especially with new people, because you don't want to go and ruin things if you can't make it out.
The only thing I can say is that you really just have to go for it - in the end, what happens, happens. You either say yes, can't make it, explain, and try again (you do see them everyday, right?) or, conversely, you go out and have a good time with your coworkers. In my experience, despite the persistent fear of things not working out, it's usually the latter that happens.
Although it may seem to be the easiest route just to become a social hermit (and I've thought about it), it's really selling yourself short - just tell yourself that you're going to go and do this thing, and it will all turn out in the end like its supposed to be.
Hope this helps!
- Vincent
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Re: I get ya!
#222235 - 10/31/05 08:09 AM
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michele
Reged: 06/02/03
Posts: 6886
Loc: southeastern michigan
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I have similiar problems sometimes. But I agree, you need to try, don't push them away. If you end up not being able to make some social even, just explain it to them. I've recently made a new friend and I was very up front and honest with her. I explained about my IBS and that I can be prone to panick attacks and don't do well in big crowds like at the mall and stuff. She was totally cool about it! When we do things, we either go earlier or later so as to avoid the big crowds. She lets me pick where we eat lunch and even understands when I have to sit in the potty for a little while! It was a bit scarey at first, thinking she was going to think I was some kind of freak or something but we have really become good friends and its a great feeling. Make the effort, you won't be sorry! 
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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i understand how you feel, i actually don't have friends from work, i have friends at work, but that's really where they stay. it took me about a month took scope out who i felt comfortable with talking at work...and most of them are actually married...
but i don't really have many friends either, i have one close friend from high school...thats about it. i sorta lost my best friend in june becuase her husband called my phone, and my fiance picked it up...my best friend's husband asked to talk to me, so my fiance said "why do you want to talk to lyndsey?" and my best friend's husband said "it's none of your business, b*tch" so of course my fiance got mad....and started talking bad to him...then they fought over the phone...and hung up. my best friend called me back and was like "what is going on? mike can't talk to my husband like that!!" i was like "excuse me? why was he even calling me??" then i told her because the two of them don't like eachother is no reason we can't talk (there is more the the story than this....basically her hubby was in prison...and wasn't allowing her to hang out or talk to my fiance because my fiance was in some trouble many many many years ago....but is nothing like that now...youth does wierd stuff to people...anyway....) so i lost my best friend to that....and because she just got kind of stupid after a while...like has no common sense while she's been with him..she was a nice girl until he came around, shes still nice, but she got pregnant, and he started dealing meth....charming man....
anyway...i understand completely. i'm weary of new friends, also because my choice of friends in the past have been kinda crazy and just problems...so i stay away from alot!!
i think it's a life lesson you have to learn....and start knowing and learning who you can and cannot trust...you know??
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As scary as it is...you have to try. You'll be surprized how understanding people can be. It's always better to try and do something that makes you anxious rather than avoid it. I can tell you from experience that you almost always feel glad you did...even if you have to cut it short and maybe leave early, you'll feel good for trying. I have IBS-D and have to rush to the bathroom all the time. To be honext most people aren't going to ask if you disappear to the bathroom for 15 minutes at a time and those who do are either asking out of concern (which is nice) or are just nosey...in that case I just say my stomach's upset and I have to go now. I have suffered from severe anxiety at times in my life and know how difficult it can be to push yourself sometimes to go somewhere or try something new but I've learned through experience that the emotional boost you'll get from a successful evening out is so worth it! I've made some really bad choices in terms of friends in the past too and was really questioning my judgement for a while so I shut myself off for a while...trust me, it's not the answer.
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