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((Lana Marie)) my heart goes out to you, sweetie.
First of all, let me congratulate you on your pregnancy! Since I'm a newbie, I didn't know. I wish you a very safe and happy and healthy pregnancy.
Now...for your mother. I'm sorry you've had to endure so much pain. If it was me, I wouldn't go. You're entering a new stage of your life. You shouldn't have to feel hurt or sad (and it's not worth risking your health!). I know you feel you have a responsibilty to her, but you don't. I went through a similar situation with my grandmother. I always try to find the good in people, but she was an evil person. There's no way around that. She passed away several years ago, but the hurt still lingers. I know it's going to be hard, but I know you have the strength to do it.
((((Hugs))))
Kristine
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Duh...
#22148 - 09/30/03 07:08 PM
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Kristine
Reged: 05/15/03
Posts: 229
Loc: Pittsburgh, PA
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I've been away from the board for a few days, so I'm just catching up and saw your post from yesterday announcing your pregancy. I spoke too soon!! I am soooooo happy for you. What amazing news! Take *extra* special care of yourself, and be sure to keep us posted!
Kristine
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I'm with Michelle and second everything she said. Christmas is supposed to be a happy time - even more happy now that you are expecting (I'm SO happy for you!). Do what will make you happy and don't feel guilty. Your baby does not need stress. It sounds like for your own health, you need to avoid your Mother right now. Michelle had a good idea about sending a gift - if it will make you feel better. Otherwise, stick close to the people you love .... and make you feel good about you. You deserve it!!!!!!!
Hugs. Han.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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I agree with Michelle and Han. If a card/gift seems right to you then go for it or else just politely decline.
Sometimes number 1 has to come first and I think maybe this is the time for that. People are often "guilted" into doing things that are wrong for them. I don't think you need feel any guilt over this decision as it seems you have tried to do the right thing by your Mum in the past. The ball is in her court now and it's important for you to have happiness around you at the moment.
Kerrie
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What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
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Are you my long lost twin? Boy, I really felt your story as we share such a similiar family background. My mother is manic depressive and has been in and out of mental institutions for over 10 years. She's attempted suicide quite a few times and only 2 days ago told me that "she's not afraid of suicide." Like you, I"m very lucky to have a father who I just adore - who gave me the best sense of stablity he could within his circumstances.
I feel your anguish. The lead up to Christmas is pure agony. It's not a thing that gets planned a few weeks beforehand, because it's something that people like you and me struggle with for months beforehand. Sometimes I've worried so much that I"ve made myself sick about it. It's amazing the level of manipulation that people can have over you whether you 'let' them be a part of your life or not.
Every year I've seen her on christmas day, and it is a very sombre environment. Anyway, this year I"m spending it with my boyfriend's parents - OVERSEAS!
I can't tell you what to do. What I can say though is that I can understand EXACTLY what you are going through. Only you will come to a conclusion on this. It's weighing up whether to not include her for self preservation (yours and your husband) at the expense of feeling 'guilty' or to include her (but dread the lead up to it).
Is there some other 'creative' solution to this? Perhaps write down all your options eg to invite/not to invite/to see her christmas eve/to go away for christmas and have a 'mock' chrissy day with your family instead etc..... Then for each one, write out the positives, negatives etc and then you will see clearly what alternative seems the best.
Sorry I've written an essay here, but I wanted you to know that you're certainly not alone! I've probably divulged a lot more on here than I would do, however, seeing your honesty and vulnerability - I just felt I owed you the same.
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Thank you tlc!
My gosh! I am realizing everyone has a story,huh? It just amazes that there are people out there who actually put their children through this. I think I am going through such a time with this because I am pregnant now and have thought so much of the mother I need and want to be.
Thank you for your understanding. I hope you come to some kind of conclusion for your Christmas as well. Please know, I will be thinking of you.
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Lana_Marie
Proud Mommy to Bentley Taylor
Born May 12, 2004 9lbs, 3oz
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Thank you:
#22182 - 10/01/03 07:02 AM
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Lana_Marie
Reged: 01/31/03
Posts: 1968
Loc: Saskatchewan. Canada
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Thank you Michelle, Kerrie, Hans, Tim and Artist and the rest of you I have already responded to.
I fight with this all the time because all my life I was taught I was "wrong". It's so nice to be honest about the situation and get honest responses in return.
Thank you everyone. You are so right, I will have to terminate this relationship.
I will send a gift only to make myself feel a little better and not go to Christmas.
Thank you everyone, you are all so wonderful. I appreciate you all and your caring, it has really touched me. You are all truly great friends to have!
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Lana_Marie
Proud Mommy to Bentley Taylor
Born May 12, 2004 9lbs, 3oz
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Hi Lana,
Did you get my e-mail?
You wrote, "I am pregnant now and have thought so much of the mother I need and want to be". Speaking from experience not having your mom around for your the birth of your baby will be really hard for you. I cried not having my mom around for all three babies and she has never seen my children. It was a choice my husband and I had to make for the safety of our kids. You can not wish for something that isn't there.
It wasn't an easy choice to make and yes there is alot of saddness not having the mom around you wish you can have. All new moms need their mothers, but not one who will be destructive. You will experience so much joy when your baby is born, but I do encourage you to grieve not having your mom around.
Lana I do think you will be a great mom!! I don't think you will repeat your mom's mistakes. Your child will have Grandpa (your dad) around to play with.
You will be in my prayers while you make a decision about Christmas.
HUGS to you.
Barb
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I didn't get a chance to read anyone else's responses, but before I even finished your post, my first reaction was "No!" After finishing reading your post, I would strongly say to you "No Way!" You have your own family now and you deserve to be happy over the holidays. Spend times with the ones you love and the ones who love you back.
I've been through two Christmases like that and finally put my foot down and refused to visit this particular home for the third holiday. My ex-fiance and I soon broke up after that. I'm happier today than I have ever been in my whole life.
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~jules
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I went to a school seminar and they talked about this thing called the Johari Window and basically it said that the more honest you are and the more you disclose about yourself personally, the more you find out about others and their stories.
I think that happened to you - especially considering you mentioned that you are a private person.
I'm trying to be more open with things like that too. It's just, having that background with a mother like that, you try not to bring it to the surface all the time. I know that my biggest 'hate' is to feel like someone is going to judge me based on her actions.
Anyway - there's a lot of things we have to overcome having this kind of relationship with our mother, and I can understand perfectly why you'd be going through all of these things now becoming a mother yourself. Remember though, we'll be great at motherhood as we've learnt all the things NOT to do to our child!!!!
Also - we are lucky to have such other wonderfully special people in our lives (fathers, partner) who balance things out for us.
Take care!
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