When is it time to give up?
#215886 - 09/26/05 09:58 AM
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michele
Reged: 06/02/03
Posts: 6886
Loc: southeastern michigan
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I'm having a really hard day. My Re's appt this morning didn't go well. I'm having yet another "mystery" cycle. I had a 14, a 12, and two 9mm follicles on Friday. I continued the gonal-f injections over the weekend and was hoping I'd be ready to do the hcg trigger shot tonight and iui tomorrow and Wednesday. Well, my follicles are gone. I had two 8mm this morning. I'm still waiting on my estrogen blood test and for the RE to call me. The gonal-F should have prevented me from ovulating until the trigger shot and they can usually see the collasped follicle on ultrasound if you did ovulate recently. They didn't see any collasped follicles this morning and I didn't "feel" ovualtion at all either. Neither one of the two nurses or the ultrasound tech has any explanation of what happened, again. But, I think its a safe bet I won't be doing the scheduled iui tomorrow and Wednesday and I don't even think I have any chance at all of getting pregnant this cycle, again.
This is causing a LOT of strain on my marriage. I'm tired of all the shots and hormones and appointments and dissapointment. I don't know how much more I can endure. However, I just can't imagine not having a child either. Nothing feels right. My life feels useless and I'm unhappy. I can't stop crying and feel like I just can't deal with one more single thing. I feel like if I went to sleep and never woke up, it would be ok. I don't think I'm sucidial but I just don't have the streagnth, energy or desire to get up everyday and pretend everything is ok.
I'm tired of feeling sick. I'm tired of something always hurting. I'm tired of complaining. I don't want to be this person. I just want to feel some peace and some happiness. But I just don't feel like I ever will.
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Michele,
You don't have to give up. If you can't take the hormones anymore then you need to give yourself a break from that. It must be very hard on you to pump those drugs into your system every day. I know about the roller coaster because I was on it for almost 7 years and at some point I had to get off and take care of me. I decided to look into adoption and I did become pregnant about 2 months after I strated to explore adoption. Just to let you know, it is possible. I had 3 miscarriages. I have lupus which makes the probability of miscarriage much higher, but I had a daughter with absolutely no drugs involved. One important thing you know is that you can get pregnant. Hang on to that. I don't know what else to say but I'm so sorry that you are so down. Believe me I have been there too. When you do have this baby, you will appreciate the experience deeply. I just know you will be successful, Michele, so don't give up.
Laura
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Michele
#215898 - 09/26/05 10:20 AM
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There is a big difference between taking a break and giving up. I have been there and it stinks to say the least. Why not take a break and enjoy Will a while? Perhaps a weekend away and a few nice dinners here and there...this fertility stuff takes a huge toll on a marriage.
You have my phone number...call me if you need to talk OK?
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Have a blessed day!...Rachel
stable and sooooooo thankful!
I have IBS but it doesn't have me!
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Rachel gives great advice here... I've never been through anything like this...so I really have no idea how you are feeling...
Quote:
There is a big difference between taking a break and giving up. I have been there and it stinks to say the least. Why not take a break and enjoy Will a while? Perhaps a weekend away and a few nice dinners here and there...this fertility stuff takes a huge toll on a marriage.
You have my phone number...call me if you need to talk OK?
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www.facebook.com/shell.marr
www.myspace.com/shellmarr
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Many hugs Michelle! I wish I knew what to say. I will be praying for strength and peace for you and your husband. Know that I care and hope you can find answers soon.
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God is Faithful!
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I'm so sorry, Michele.
Maybe you and your husband need to have an honest talk with the RE. This might help you decide what to do. I think you'd said you had agreed to try until the new year? This is only three months away. Do you think you can stick it out that long? Sometimes focusing on a tangible deadline makes it a little easier.
Don't have any advice to offer otherwise, I'm afraid.  Try to take care of yourself, and keep the lines of communication open between you and your husband. You're a strong person and you WILL get through this.
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jen
"It's one of the most serious things that can possibly happen to one in a battle -- to get one's head cut off." -- LC
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Michele,
I really feel for you with all of this. I can imagine that your entire life has become consumed by the goal of pregnancy. I know you've said this yourself before, but maybe you should just take some time and focus on your marriage, before revisiting the issue of children and how to achieve that goal, whether it's biologically or through adoption or however is best for your husband and you. After all, a good marriage is the starter for a good family, right? I don't think you can have one without the other. So it's not giving up to take a break from the shots and make being a wife a priority. You're not turning your back on any future children, or making yourself any less worthy. it's a hard road you've traveled and you need to recuperate.
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Michele, I have followed your fertility struggles from the start (I think) and my personal opinion is yes, I think it is time to give up. Not all woman can have children.
Maybe consider adoption. You're not a failure AT ALL and maybe it just wasn't in the cards for you.
Big hugs.
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WHOA!
#215939 - 09/26/05 12:02 PM
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Bevvy
Reged: 11/04/03
Posts: 5918
Loc: Northwest Washington State
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Hold on there, Girlfriend! Don't talk like that.
I've seen so many gals go through what you're going through right now, and I recall several who finally chose adoption. They surprised themselves with their ultimately incredible happiness with their new baby(ies), and one gal in particular, once she relaxed and started enjoying her adopted daughter, even ended up pregnant! Yep, it's true. And she eventually delivered twins.
Sweetie, this should not be something that causes a strain on your marriage. You should not feel "useless and unhappy." "If I went to sleep and never woke up it would be okay," is NOT acceptable. You must know that you have a lot more to offer than a uterus! Believe me, if that were the case, I'd be worthless -- remember, I was born without one!
The most important things are your happiness and your marriage. They come first, above everything else. Why not put the pregnancy thing up on the shelf for now -- just for now, you can always take it down later -- and quit with the shots and hormones and appointments -- just for now? Put it all on the shelf. Barbie told me about The Shelf. I have a girlfriend up on it, and I know she's there, so that if she ever comes back to me, I can bring her down if I want to.
Try to find some time for just you and hubby, go out to dinner, go to a show, get away from it all, even if for only an hour or two -- ENJOY each other again!
Then, AFTER AWHILE, maybe you might consider adopting a little child who desperately needs someone like you to love them. I would have done that, but hubby remained adamant: no children! How wonderful to give a loving home to a lost child who has nothing and no one to love him!
{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}}
Bevvy
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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Oh sweetie!
#215948 - 09/26/05 12:23 PM
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RachelT
Reged: 07/01/04
Posts: 2350
Loc: Minnesota
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I have to say I agree with Bev 100%!! Your happiness comes first! You need to take care of you! Put the fertility issue up on the shelf, just for a while at least. Love & hugs hon!!!!
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~ Rachel (IBS-C)
If life hands you lemons, make lemonade!!
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Hi Michele,
I am so sorry that this is happening to you. You sound like you would be a wonderful mother but remember that being a mother doesn't always mean giving birth to a child.
My Grandparents have 5 children. My Grandma gave birth to two of her children and adopted her other three. My Grandma was very sick during both of her pregnancies and her doctor told her that she was not able to have any more babies. Her and my Grandpa desperately wanted a large family and so they chose adoption (1 girl and 2 boys). My Aunt was also unable to become pregnant and she adopted a baby from Guatemala.
There are a lot of babies and children without parents so if adoption is something you've thought about before maybe it's worth investigating?
Jenn
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Michele
#215954 - 09/26/05 12:48 PM
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BL
Reged: 06/01/03
Posts: 3522
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I know this must be exhausting for you---and it is difficult on a marriage. (I remember all too well!) Personally, I think it's time for you to back off and take a break. I'm not saying you should never try again, but for now, honey, you need to not be trying so hard. You are physically and mentally drained, and I don't think it's worth it for you to feel like you don't want to go on.
I know you probably don't want to hear this, but maybe you should look into adoption. That's not saying you have to give up trying to get pregnant. You may end up with babies both ways, like a good friend of mine did. She tried for years to get pregnant, couldn't, adopted two beautiful children----and then ended up getting pregnant twice. Now she has 4 precious children and she couldn't be happier!
I think right now you are so caught up with trying to "make a baby" that you forget that your ultimate goal is to be a mother. Whether you carry that baby in your tummy or get it from someone else who cannot parent a child, there is no difference. In the end, you will have a family! You will be the one to care and love that child, tuck it into bed at night, help them with their homework, and (hopefully, see them off to college!)
My heart hurts for you because I know what you're going through. It is devastating month after month to try so hard and not be able to do what every other woman in the world seems to do so naturally. I don't know why some women have to suffer like this.
But I think it's time for you to take a break. Regroup.....go on that vacation. Do all those things with your husband that you will not be able to do once a baby comes into your life. Laugh again, enjoy your husband and the relationship you two have, and see where life takes you.
Life is too short for you to be so upset about this all the time. I'm confident that things will work up for you (one way or the other) in the long run, but right now, you need to get yourself over this hump.
We've all followed you through this journey, and we'll be here for you, no matter what. You're gonna make it! Hang in there.
((((Big hug))))
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I've been thinking for a while that the RE isn't helping you. Correct me if I'm wrong but you had no problem getting pg before you saw her but you have not gotten pg since you have seen her.
Personally, if it was me I think I would stop with the RE and everything that goes with that and enjoy some time with my husband. Remember Kerrie (KinOZ)? She went through several rounds of IVF for a year and even though she did get pg one time with twins from IVF, she miscarried them. She ended up deciding she had had enough and even started looking into adoption. Now she has a 5 month old little boy without any medical help. Maybe a little break, as hard as that is, would be good for both of you. Don't you have a trip coming up with your husband's family? You were worried about flying maybe that would be enough of a break for the two of you? Just thinking out loud. Just don't give up all together. ((((hugs)))
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awww michele honey! I feel so terrible that you have to go through this day in and day out.
I agree with what Bev has said as well. I also think you should sit down with your doctor and ask them realistically what the chances are without sugarcoating it. Maybe that will help you decide whether or not to keep trying, or to start saving for adoption.
Good luck honey. we love you.
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Thanks Ashley. I did talk to the Re and will post a full update. I just wish no one had to go through this kind of heartache.
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Hi Torbetta! Yeah, I remember Kerrie and I was so happy when I heard she finally had a baby!!
The problem is, with my hormonal imbalance, if I did get pregnant without any "drugs" or assistance, my chances of miscarring are great. I got pregnant the first time the 2nd month. Miscarried and got pregnant again right away and miscarried again. We took a month off last August and didn't get pregnant until December, it was five months of trying that time only to miscarry once again.
They are trying to stimulate the follicular growth and balance things out. For some reason, my body is now spitting out the eggs before they are mature, which is very rare with the drugs I'm already on. I'll post a full update below.
I am scheduled to go to Lake Tahoe for a week between x-mas and New years. We did take a little get-a-away weekend back in July but could definitely use a little more time away.
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Re: Thanks BL
#215976 - 09/26/05 02:17 PM
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michele
Reged: 06/02/03
Posts: 6886
Loc: southeastern michigan
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I would love to adpot a baby but we just can't afford it unless we adopt an older child that has been in the "system" for a while. With so many needy babies and childern out there, I don't know why they have to make it so expensive!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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The RE called and said she really doesn't understand why this is happening again. She said it appears my body is spitting out the eggs before they are fully matured. This is the third month in a row this has happened and its not supposed to happend with the "drugs" I'm on. She doesn't know if I actually ovulated any viable eggs or not, we did have sex Sunday night so if I did ovulate this weekend and there is anything to fertilize, we should have it covered. She said to use the progesterone, just in case. There is no reason to do the iui or even the trigger hcg shot at this point.
She says next cycle she is putting my on Lupron in addition to all the other meds. Its supposed to supress the bodies natural hormones and prevent premature ovulation and make your body respond better to the other drugs. She says she still feels hopeful for me. After reviewing my file, she suggests we wait until we have had two good cycles, with iui before doing the surgery or reconsidering our chances. So, I think we will try in October and November with the addition of this new medication, which means a second shot daily and hope for the best. We are planning that trip to Lake Tahoe in December so wouldn't try that month anyways. If I'm not pregnant by then, well, we will go from there.
I've spent all day crying and feel "empty" now. I think I needed to get it all out. I'm going to go home and go to bed and hopefully tomorrow will seem a little brighter. I'm trying to respond to everyones posts from earlier before I leave but if I don;t get to them all, I just want to be sure to thank everyone for you continued support and kind words. It means the world to me.
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Thanks Jenn, I'm just afraid we can't afford adoption. Its very expensive unless you adopt an older child that has been in the "system" for a while. Around $20,000 seems to be about the minimum. My insurance has been paying for almost all of my fertility stuff but they don't pay anything towards adoption.
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Re: WHOA!
#215982 - 09/26/05 02:36 PM
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michele
Reged: 06/02/03
Posts: 6886
Loc: southeastern michigan
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Thanks Bevvy. It is easy to lose whats important and what I have right now. I know that I am more than a uterus, lol!! I have just never felt such longing before. I want a child so bad it hurts and I know thats probably not a good thing.
Because of my hormonal problems, if I get pregnant without drugs, its pretty much a safe bet that I would miscarry. I've heard of lots of women getting pregnant after they adopt or decide to stop trying but thats just not an option for me. I would love to adopt and would have done it already, if I had the money. With so many needy childern, I just don't understand why its so expensive.
Thanks for the insightful words and hugs. Your always so full of wisdom!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Michele
#215983 - 09/26/05 02:41 PM
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JLL24
Reged: 09/23/04
Posts: 312
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Hi Michele,
That is awful that they charge so much money for adoption. Maybe taking a break from the treatments could be good for you though and go back to them later.
I don't have any children myself but I am getting married in July 2007 and I'm worried myself b/c I have UC I take Imuran (which is an immunosuppressant) and my doctor told her that I absolutely cannot get pregnant until she takes me off of it. It really sucks when things are so complicated.
Try to rest and enjoy your time with your hubby.
Jenn
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But
#215986 - 09/26/05 03:00 PM
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BL
Reged: 06/01/03
Posts: 3522
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these fertility treatments you've had have got to have been expensive too! I guess your medical insurance helps pay for that.
My husband used to work for a bank that helped employees pay for adoptions. One of his former coworkers adopted 2 children from Russia and the company contributed to the cost! Cool, huh?
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Michele
#215990 - 09/26/05 03:18 PM
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BL
Reged: 06/01/03
Posts: 3522
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I probably shouldn't jump in here and say this but I'm going to. DOCTORS ARE WRONG MANY TIMES, especially when it comes to conceiving. I don't think you can automatically assume that you will miscarry again if you get pregnant.
I could tell you many stories of women who were told they couldn't get pregnant or wouldn't carry a baby to term that did!!!
I was one of those patients. After years of fertility treatments, doctors told me I'd never get pregnant. Then when I did, another doctor told me when I left the hospital with my newborn not to worry about birth control because he doubted I'd ever get pregnant again. And 4 months later, I I was pregnant again!!!
So I have 2 sons, 13 months apart, and I was not supposed to have either one of them.
You're young, you're healthy and it CAN happen. Quit listening to the doctors tell you it can't. I just have a feeling this is going to happen----the old-fashioned way!
Of course, fertility doctors will tell you otherwise. I'm just cynical enough to think they'll let you continue those treatments forever---because it's lining their pockets.
God works in mysterious ways. I am going to pray for you, and I know others will too. Please don't give up hope.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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Honey, you are such a strong person for going through with all of this. I admire you so much. My first instinct is to say not to give up - I really feel there is a baby in your future!!!!!!! I've supported you all the way and I WON'T stop now. I'm here for you anytime. Feel free to cry on my shoulder anytime you want. E-mail me anytime. Whatever decide, I'm here for you. Love, Alicia.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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There is no easy solution for this...you have to make sure that you put your well being before anything else. Maybe adoption is another option?
I wish I had an answer for you. Hang in there....*HUGS*
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Re: But
#216066 - 09/27/05 08:17 AM
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michele
Reged: 06/02/03
Posts: 6886
Loc: southeastern michigan
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Yes, my insurance is paying for pretty much everything. If I actually SEE the RE herself, I have a $20 copay and my meds are a $20 copay but the ultrasounds and bloodwork and stuff is all covered at 100%. We will have to pay for iui, when we get a good cycle, and that will be $400 but beats the $8,500 for IVF. 
I've heard of other employers helping with adoption costs but I work for a private dr in such a small office. He did say he would help a little with the cost but I know he can't afford much. The daughter of a friend of the doctor I work for just adopted TWO babies from Russia! Cutest little babies, I think one was like 8 months and the other around 11 months. Total cost, over $40,000!! I don't even make that in a year. 
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Re: 2nd Update
#216101 - 09/27/05 09:20 AM
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michele
Reged: 06/02/03
Posts: 6886
Loc: southeastern michigan
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Well, after a hard day yesterday and a bit of a rough night, I called the RE this am and asked to talk to her. I went into her office and we sat for about 10 minutes going over everything. What is boils down to is this, I've talked to Will and he is willing to give me two more months of all the trying with the meds. The RE said the "end all be all" of course would be to do IVF. Which, after my insurance, I'd have to pay about $8,500 out of pocket with a 50/50 chance of actually getting pregnant. So, thats not really a good option to me. The RE and I decided to do the gonal-f injections again next month and add Antagon, which is like Lupron. It will basically shut down my bodies natural hormones and make it listen only to the hormones we are giving it. This should prevent any pre-mature ovulation. They usually only use it in IVF but considering how my cycles have been acting, she feels its the way to go.
She said she doesn't know if there was a viable egg released or not this month but to do the progesterone, just in case which I will start tonight. Chances are my period will come about 12 days from now and then we will start again. I don't know what will happen if I don't get pregnant in the next two months. I'm looking into all the adoption issues right now but it doesn't seem financially possible for us. My shrink says just to concentrate on the plan for the next two months and we will deal with the future when it gets here. I think thats good advice.
I feel a bit better today but still not great. I didn't sleep well last night and now, of course, my tummy is in a tizzy. The RE did give me some donnatol so I'm hoping that will calm it down a bit.
Thanks for everyone continued support and kind words.
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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{{{hugs}}}
#216112 - 09/27/05 09:47 AM
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Linz
Reged: 09/01/03
Posts: 8242
Loc: England
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I know this might sound a bit wacky, but I would actually suggest getting a young puppy!  I had MAJOR baby blues before we got Archie (couldn't afford a baby) and getting him helped so much...he IS my baby.
It's looking more and more likely now that Si and I may never have kids. I'm just getting too sick. But I'm kinda okay with that. Archie is my baby.
If nothing else, having a young puppy is so much hard work (yep, like a baby) that it takes your mind off other stuff.
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Re: {{{hugs}}}
#216131 - 09/27/05 10:53 AM
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michele
Reged: 06/02/03
Posts: 6886
Loc: southeastern michigan
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Thanks Linz!! I'm sorry to hear your getting sicker though. Hugs to you to!!
We have been talking about getting a little shih tzo. I think we will wait until we get back from Tahoe before deciding for sure. I also think it might help some to take my obsession away from the baby making thing. If I'm not pregnant in the next two months, I'm sure we will start looking into breeders in the area.
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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call me if you want to talk. for one I think its a good time to give up on the RE and stuff for NOW... I think you may be surprsed at some of the options available for adoption in this state- yes there are long wait lists for a baby, but it is possible and not as expensive as you seem to think. You can do it! just relax and let your marriage recover first- this should NOT be destroying you or your marriage, and actually if it does, then you will be better off without children anyway. And besides- does it have to be a baby- things ot think about in the long run- maybe do some volunteer work with some of the kids in the system before you decide. talk to a social worker in the area, etc. There are a ton of options out there. Sorry- but as the adoptive mom of an older child, Cassi has brought nothing but blessings into my life, though we did decide NOT to do it again, it was a close call this year. And our reasons for not doing it have nothing to do with our not wanting children, but with timing and location and some family things...
Amie
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Dietetics Student (anticipating RD exam in Aug 2010)
IBS - A
Dairy Allergic
Fructose and MSG intollerant
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Michele
#216355 - 09/28/05 11:37 AM
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Augie
Reged: 10/27/04
Posts: 5807
Loc: Illinois
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How are you feeling about all this today? What does Will want to do?
Bevvy had some wise words for you.
I wish adopting wasn't so expensive. I'd do it in a heartbeat if it wasn't so much money.
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~ Beth
Constipation, pain prodominent,cramps, spasms and bloat!
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I'm doing a little better. We have agreed on trying for two more cycles. Not sure what will happen then. We will be gone for a week in December to visit family and celebrate x-mas in Lake Tahoe so we have to take December off. Not sure if I have the streagnth to continue after that or even if Will is willing to go on after that. I'm hoping it will happen soon and I won't have to face the fact that I may never have a child. We may look into adopting an older child but with Will being self-employeed not even sure if we would qualify. I'm trying to concentrate on getting through each day right now. The fertility drugs have made me gain a LOT of weight and I'm just not feeling real good about myself. I'm trying to stay positive and active but I just don't really feel like doing much of anything. I do feel a little better after talking to the RE and getting our "plan" together for next cycle. The nurse at the RE's office suggested a book called "A Few Good Eggs." Its written by two women who went through a lot of the same stuff I'm going through and I'm hoping that it will help me cope a little better. I just bought it today so I'll let you know what I think of it in a few days!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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but my stepmom used fertility meds to have my brother-she got pregnant a few years later and miscarried, tried for another year and quit. At 42 years old, she got the flu and wqwound up with a perfectly healthy daughter. This is after having half her cervix removed from cervical cancer.
IT CAN WORK OUT!!!
Please, honey, take the pressure off of yourself, and have FUN with Will. Have sex for FUN!
(ps-female orgasms after male ejaculation make the sperm go up higher...just another reason to have one!LOL!)
It can happen, so don't you give up. IF the drugs are too much for your system, see if you can't half the dose and see how you feel. maybe you're so ripe you're falling off the tree right now? 
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Shannon the teacher` I'm an A, but more of a C these days.:}
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Thanks! I don't remember you mentioning your step mom went through fertility treatments before. Thats great she finally had a healthy daughter!
I know I need to relax with it a bit but its just so hard when its something you want so bad! Sex for fun, whats that??   Its been so long, I think I forgot! I had heard that having an orgasm after ejaculation helps, hehe!! I've been hearing some REALLY good things about the Anatgon that I'll be adding next cycle and it seems to be relatively well tolerated so hopefully, that and the iui's will do the trick!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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I'm glad you're feeling a little better about things. I think just taking things as they come for the next couple of months is a good idea. If nothing happens by January, then you can decide again from there.
Stay strong! Lots of hugs!
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Christine
Those who can do; those who want it done better teach.
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Hey Michele,
I've been keeping up with this post but I haven't been able to think of what to say, so I haven't commented. I don't know how you feel, and I wouldn't even know how you felt if I myself had fertility problems, because I'm not you. My sister-in-law, when she was going through this, told me that the last thing she wanted to hear was about everyone's cousin's roommates's sister who had 75 miscarriages and then 5 healthy babies, because, while it's a nice story, it doesn't exactly put a baby in your uterus. So, I'll just assume that you know that that kind of thing happens all the time, and I'll spare you the several stories I know like it. I really don't know if I think you should give up or not. I'm not very good at giving up on stuff (case in point, my boyfriend and I have been having really bad problems for over 6 months and I am still hanging in ...) but I always say that you can't win if you don't play. I don't know what I would do in your situation, but I think I'd probably exhaust all my opions before givng up. One of those options to try might be taking a break, as evryone says. Your doctor should know if that will help or hurt your chances of conceiving. But, if it could help, you should consider it.
I really feel for your husband. My brother was beside himself when my SIL was on all the hormons and just being hormal and depressed on her own. He wanted a baby so much too, and he wanted his wife not to be sad and frustrated and nauseated all the time. I don't really know much about marriage or making relationships work (see above about my disasterous relationship) but I know that empathy is key, and you guys should really try to consider how this is effecting each of you a little differently. Does that make sense?
The final thing I think is that if I were struggling as much as you are with something, I'd be in church like 24 hours a day. I really believe that praying helps me clear my head and understand things better, and is such a comfort. If that's not something you usually do, maybe start?
I'm out of ideas. I'm rooting for you and praying for you.
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Amanda
I live in the Big Apple, but I don't eat the skin
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I am new to the boards but when I read your post, I can totally relate to your frustrations. I too have been trying to get pregnant for almost two years now, I have not done the injections or anything like that yet...only fertility pills but I am ready to give up too. I sometimes think it's because I'm too old (38), or it's not meant to be. I am tired of complaining also, feeling sick (if it's not side effects from the pills, it's IBS acting up), tired of the disappointments every month. I really don't think I am good advice right now...but I hurt with you, if possible.
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Hello and Welcome to the boards. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this, I totally understand the heartbreak. Not sure which posts you have read but I did get pregnant last fall, with identical baby twins girls, only to go on to lose them at 3.5 months. That makes 5 babies lost in all. The twins would have been due June 16 and I'm still struggling, the hole in my heart and soul runs very deep. I can honestly say it has changed who I am as a person.
They finally did figure out what they believe to be the reason, I have RA (rheumatoid arthritis) although my ANA is still negative, they believe my body is "fighting off" the babies once I finally do get pregnant. I'm seeing a rheumy doc right now trying to get the RA under control, which hasn't been easy. The general consensus between the rheumy and the RE (reproductive endocrinologist) is that IF we can get the RA under control and IF I can get pregnant again, I'd have about a 40% chance of carrying the baby and I'd have to be on steroids and daily injections of blood thinner.
Time is also against me. I will be 36 in a couple of weeks and the rheumy says it will be 6-9 months before the Ra is under control enough to even think about trying again.
Its all very depressing and wears you down. Instead of holding my baby girls, I'm fighting for my health against a terrible and pianful disease. I've been through pretty much ALL the tests and all the drugs so if you like my opinion or just someone to talk to, I'm here. The board is pretty open and I've discussed all things fertility before but if you feel more comfortable talking more privately, feel free to email me at michelebrake@sbcglobal.net.
I haven't decided if we will try again or not. I guess it will depend on my health and if I think I could take another loss. I'd love to adopt but we just don't have the money. For now, this is my new baby! He goes everywhere with me!
Love and hugs!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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sorry ur having a hard time darling, ur dog is soooooo adorable.
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http://www.myspace.com/jo_elsmere
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Thanking of you Michelle. Wishing for the best....
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~jules
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Thanks girls. I have been struggling lately with the "baby thing" but I'm trying not to dwell on it. I'm not healthy enough right now to even try and although I long for a baby I have to start trying to come to terms with the possibility that it may not be an option for me. Thats a hard pill to swallow and I'm just trying to remember to take it one day at a time...
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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I just want to say that you inspire strength. Thanks for being open and sharing your story.
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Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away
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You are such a strong person. I wish I could give you a great big hug. You've been through so much and still you're there for people when they need you. Humans are much stronger than they think they are. We find out what we're made of when we get pushed farther than we even could have imagined existed. I hope and wish with all my heart that you are able to regain your health and have the life you want and so deserve. It's probably not worth much, considering how you would like things to be, but maybe it helps to know what an inspiration you are to people and how so many people care about you.
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If you're not dead, you've still got time.
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I am new to the board and was reading your story. I have no advice for you because I do not have children and I am not at this time trying for kids. The only support I will offer is that I will pray for you and your husband.
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Stephanie
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