Off to France and mad about it. LONG RANT
#214578 - 09/20/05 08:03 AM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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So it looks like I will be going to France to watch my aunt die. I'm not thrilled.
She's been fighting lung cancer in both lungs since March, and the prediction is dire. My mom wants to go to visit her and help out her mother, see her sister, etc., but aside from me being there for moral support for my mother, this is the type of thing that has me running screaming in the other direction. 
I've spent 3 months of every year from the ages of 4 to 24 in France helping out my family in one way or another. Yes, I feel priveledged. No, it was not fun. I am the youngest there by 30 years. They usually just talk around me, never to me, and their idea of making my life interesting was sticking me in fromt of the TV (think re-runs of the A-Team, in French), or giving me a fistful of francs and telling me to walk into town and amuse myself.
I dread France. 
I went 9 years ago with my DBF to introduce him to my family. Then I never went back. It was always the same thing, people complaining about their neighbors or geting old. Then they'd turn to me and yell at me about MY government and MY president. "You Americans are only good for ____" they'd say, and I'd just sit silently, getting drunk.
Well this SUCKS. My mother can go by herself! But nooooo! Not heeer! The way I found out about it was I was driving back from NY and she informed me that she was buying tickets for me and her. Originally I was slated to be there with her for a MONTH. Uh, yeah, a month with no air conditioning or access to proper meds or safe food? Don't think so. So I put my foot down.
The food situation is horrible. Cos we have to eat with our faaaaamily. The people who'd yell at me for being a "picky eater" for decades. Not a sympathetic crowd. 
OK, sorry for the rant. But I'll be stuck in the south of france with no money or purpose for 12 days, and I'm FREAKING out.
~nelly~
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Oh Nelly, what a crappy situation any way you look at it! I'm sorry to hear about your Aunt, thats got to be a hard thing to watch.
Personally, I've never been to France so have no ideas on things to keep you busy there. Definitely refill all meds before leaving, do you need to do anything special to get them through customs? I have no helpful suggestions on the food thing either. Boy, I'm just not much help at all, now am I??!!  
Anyways, just wanted to offer hugs and support!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Oh god, I hear ya. I would not like to be dragged anywhere either. I don't like that at all.
Can you come back before then? Oh gosh, it doesn't sound like fun at all and you cannot eat bad things as your ibs will get super bad. Does your mom know that you need to have a restricted diet for your health?
Big ((((HUGS))))).
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Thanks, michele
#214591 - 09/20/05 08:21 AM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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Thanks, Michele. It's hard to get excited about this trip tho "any trip overseas" might seem cool to most. This might as well be a turkish prison for me.
I've been doing so much travelling lately (4 trips to NY, 1 to England, 1 to Ireland, 7 times to the Eastern shore) that I need some time to myself! Doesn't look like it's going to happen any time soon, tho.
My mom's just called and told me I can spend some time with my cousins. Great, the same people who tried to touch me and have sex with me every year. Thrilling.
~nelly~
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My mom doesn't get it. She's always telling me "Put those pills away. A lady doesn't take pills at the table." Her family's just as bad. When I was 12, my older cousin wouldn't let her pregnant daughter near me. I yelled at her "F-in' scorceress!" as she puled her daughter away. Just because I had "food allergies."
I don't think I said a word besides that all that summer. Scared her good, though. I bet she didn't think I even knew how to say that in French. I can be mean, you know. I just reserve my mannars for nice people like here. Not people who are mean to me. Those people can just get away from me.
~nelly~ Like they say, Don't confuse kindness with weakness
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Sorry to hear about your aunt...
I really can't offer much help in the foods area as I've never been to France...so I can help you with ideas of what to do while your there either.
Any IBS'er on the boards that you can meet up with? Maybe they can share their safe food and drugs with ya? 
Anyways.... best of luck to ya... are you gonna be able to take the laptop?
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www.facebook.com/shell.marr
www.myspace.com/shellmarr
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...so I'm going to be off the boards for a while. Thanks Shell. You're right, anyone from France?
~nelly~ I get around
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French Food isn't great for our tummies is it? Load up on Luna Bars! Bless your heart....I hope that in someway you have a good time. Perhaps by meeting a hunky Frenchman that sweeps you off your feet?
Whoops...forgot about BF. Can he come too?
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Have a blessed day!...Rachel
stable and sooooooo thankful!
I have IBS but it doesn't have me!
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In accordance with Board regulations, I am not going to go into what I think about France. EMail me if you want my opinion. But as to the particular situation at hand, THAT S*CKS!!!!!! Oh Nelly, I feel awful for you. 12 days in a place where you don't even feel comfortable or welcoemd by those around you and to watch someone die... My heart goes out to you...
I agree with Tina, can you come back earlier?
--------------------
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*HUGS*
#214621 - 09/20/05 09:08 AM
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melitami
Reged: 02/23/04
Posts: 1213
Loc: Ewing, NJ, USA (IBS-D, Vegetarian)
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I'm sorry, Nelly. Families suck sometimes! The Christmas before last, my father forced me to come home (threatened to cut me off his health insurance and to not cosign on my student loans) even though I hadn't been to work for 3 weeks because I had be having D and had been in so much pain! In fact, I'd had my colonoscopy the Friday before. He insisted I had to come home and go to the same doctor as my mom and my brother because my doctors in Philly must be doing something wrong. And I ended up having to pay for the doctor's visit. I ate nothing but French bread the entire time and was miserable.
Load up on French bread while you're there? Take Luna bars and pretzels and your own food, stash it in your room in a locked suitcase and don't eat anything at the table, eat in your room later? Insist your mom give you money while you're there if she's forcing you to go? I'm sorry you're in such a crappy situation!
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Melissa
Friendship is thicker than blood. ~Rent
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You have always been there for me.......and I want to be here for you now...
Is this an Aunt you love, feel close to...someone who has been good to you? If not PLEASE DO NOT GO
Only go if you are doing it for YOU and your relationship with your Aunt.
I am not speaking to my parents. My Rabbi and husband and therapist feel they hurt me too much at the moment. If you need to take care of you PLEASE DO SO! I love you and I don't like hearing how hurt you've been or that you will be going into a situation that will cause you pain *hugs* *hugs* Hugs*
Of course, you have to do what you feel you need to do...what is in your heart...and only you can know that! If you ARE going to go...I think you got super advice...bring your own food, eat in your room (if you can) stash water to take your meds in private...it WILL feel like prison!!! And I will pray for you! I hope you will be ok (I mean you're strong...but that doesn't mean you deserve torture or for your strength to be tested!!!) and that you can end the trip early if you go...
We love you Nelly!!!! PLEASE TAKE CARE!
With love,
Ruch
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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Ok, that's not good, if she doesn't accept you have it (YOU DO!!!) and if she gets upset at you taking pills. Ugh. can you just NOT go? You aren't a kid anymore and have every right to say no. Or just go for a weekend?
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Re: *HUGS*
#214696 - 09/20/05 11:22 AM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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Thanks, Mel. This is exactly what I'm going through. I just cancelled my Sept 28th beach trip so I'd have at least what I was going to spend there for some cash while I'm in France.
You're right of course about the french bread!!! I will have an endless supply, no doubt. I'm just anxious about the stress about losing the loved one, plus all the emotional baggage about my previous trips. I'm afraid no one will leave me alone.
Nothing like parents for emotional blackmail, I agree!!! My mom wants me to see the "family doctor" while I'm there too. Great, I get to strip before some guy I haven't been to since I was fourteen. I'm going to try to shake down my mom for some money BEFORE I go. Good idea!!
~nelly~
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Ruchie
#214698 - 09/20/05 11:27 AM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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Thanks, Ruchie, you're a dear friend.
I was close with my aunt when I was growing up, but seldom saw her when I was older. She's the best one in my family, and everyone says we're exactly alike.
My mother sometimes calls me by her name, and my aunt says sometimes family memebrs do the same to her!
But she's dying and there's nothing I can do. I talked to her on the phone 2 days ago and asked her if I was "invited." She said I should help my mom, but she's in no condition to entertain guests. I asked her her prognosis and she changed the subject. So there you go.
I want to be there for my mom, but don't want to feel USED. I feel like I'm treated badly when I'm over there. I always spend time by myself, and this time's going to be no different. *sigh*
I appreciate the hugs!! I am just so frustrated and feel really used right now! You're a good friend and I appreciate that you're in my corner! {{{{HUGS}}}}
~nelly~
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Yuck
#214701 - 09/20/05 11:31 AM
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ecmmbm
Reged: 02/23/03
Posts: 1622
Loc: North Carolina
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I had to go to Louisiana for Thanksgiving last year and dreaded it for many of the reasons you speak of here. I'm sorry - hugs and hope you can find decent things to eat so you don't get sick!
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Take care,
Michelle
...the greatest of these is LOVE. (I Cor 13)
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I hear ya, T.
#214702 - 09/20/05 11:31 AM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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I want to come back earlier. I told my mom "No longer than 7 days!!!" and she made reservations for 12. That should show you right there how I'm treated.
Believe me, as hard as it is being french in DC right now, it's going to be harder being american over there!! Of that I am painfully aware, my friend! No use getting kicked off, Tomster!!
~nelly~
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Ha, BF is stearing well clear of the situation! I told him to come, and he ran in the otherdirection! He told me, "I didn't get rid of my parents just to adopt yours!" Lucky sucker.
I'm going over in my mind what foods I'm going to stuff my bag with!
~nelly~
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I tried...
#214705 - 09/20/05 11:35 AM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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She was originally going for a month, and I said I'd go with her but only stay for a week. She's now looking at tickets for the both of us for 12 days. Compromise? Only to her!! Arg.
~nelly~
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It's a tough situation, that's for sure.
Good luck and I hope it's not too bad.
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My mom and her husband are coming here for Thanksgiving. My husband of nearly 20 years is planning to hide out in his room (a room off of our bedroom that is his "office") the whole time.
He said that I could come in if I was a good girl!
It sounds as if our men are no dummies!
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Have a blessed day!...Rachel
stable and sooooooo thankful!
I have IBS but it doesn't have me!
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BF is wise as your mother's husband to stay away! Sigh, I need some of that wisdom!!
~nelly~
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News Flash: Nelly Stands Up for Herself
Originally I invited her over to *talk* to her and have some light lunch and watch a movie... but it ended with her just yelling at me and storming out of my apartment. Oh well.
I politely pointed out that if I was in her shoes and she or my brother were sick, I'd drop everything and come see her. What I *wouldn't* do is drag my BF or dog along against their will and hold them in captivity for 12 days, then make it seem like it was for their own good. 
I also told her it was her quest and hers alone, that she shouldn't be going behind my back making plans for me, and that 12 days in a foreign country is not a compromise when I said I could only stand it for a week.
She just kept yelling "That's what kids DO" at me, meaning I should just go and shut up about it.
So then I said I'm not interested in going, and I never was. She took it in stride, screaming and yelling at me and slamming the door on her way out. I can't wait to see what's going to happen. It'll either be:
Option #1. She calls me calmly in 2 days telling me my tickets are ready, or
#2. She politely forgets our conversation ever happened, and heads off to France, making sure to cll me constantly and tell me what a great time she's having, putting relatives on the phone for added discomfort.
Maybe I can quietly move to Canada or something. I hear Vancouver's nice this time of year. Anybody got any idea of a good hiding place for a tall blonde? I fold easily and don't make too much noise...!
~nelly~
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Good for you Nelly!
I'm sure you don't want to be on bad terms with her but she needs to know just how much you dislike the idea of being there for so long.
Let us know what happens. I am hoping she gives in and "lets" you stay for a shorter period of time.
Canada is a great hiding place...... I suggest Ottawa though !!!
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GOOD FOR YOU!! taking a stand!! Humm... hiding places for tall blonds? I'll have to think about that one... but good to know you fold easily and don't make much noise....still laughing!!
--------------------
www.facebook.com/shell.marr
www.myspace.com/shellmarr
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Ottawa, check!! I will make a list of places to hide. Right now I just want to go to my bed and pull the covers over my head.
Grrr! Passive/aggressive people!!
~nelly~
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Nelly,I'm so sorry. I don't have any words of wisdom or tips since I've never even been out of the country, but I wanted to offer my support.
Kristine
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Thanks Shell!
#214735 - 09/20/05 12:55 PM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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Um, I can also survive on white bread.
~nelly~
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Thanks, it really means a lot to me that I can get the support I need here. I wish my family understood me like you guys seem to have no problem doing!!
I really appreciate the support~!
~nelly~
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Hey ecmmbm
#214742 - 09/20/05 01:14 PM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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Thanks, Michelle. I see you've been through this before. It's what nightmares are made from-- things you have no control of, taking over!!
~nelly~
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I'm so sorry your Mom is being so unreasonable. Good for you for standing up for yourself. Hugs, Alicia.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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Post deleted by Shelby Jean
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All I can say without reading the rest of the post is to encourage you to make the best of it.
Go find a quaint coffee shop and enjoy a good book.
good luck
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Out of my control
#214981 - 09/21/05 12:56 PM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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I was so afraid that I was the person being unreasonable. Thank you so much for your post. I hope my mother won't stay mad at me too long. I've talked to my aunt and she just wants my mom to see my grandmother, so she's taken care of if the worst should happen soon. The call put it in perspective for me, and I no longer feel I have to go. I think the fear and anxiety is making my mom bonkers, so I'm not taking it personally anymore.
Thanks so much!!! I feel so much better now knowing you guys have gone through this before. It makes it not hurt as bad. (!!!)
~nelly~
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Nelly
#215026 - 09/21/05 03:19 PM
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cailin
Reged: 08/12/04
Posts: 3563
Loc: Dublin, Ireland
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..only seeing this now, sorry to hear about your aunt.
What about your Mom though? Parents don't really get the fact that their ADULT children are ADULTS, have lives, free wills, that kind of thing. Then when we say what is on our minds we get the guilt thing..."I won't be around forever you know".
You are right to have stood up to your Mom, good work girl.
Now send your brother, SIL and nephew with her and let them carry some of it...
Let us know what happens
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S.
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sounds like behaviour my mom would pull.. I can completely understand!
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Dietetics Student (anticipating RD exam in Aug 2010)
IBS - A
Dairy Allergic
Fructose and MSG intollerant
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