Irritable Bowel Syndrome Message Boards | Another case of "Why Me"?

This will be a long and frustrating post. Please feel free to tune out if you want. I really need to write it down to get it out more than anything.

I always thought of myself as such a positive person, determined to achieve the things I wanted and not let obstacles stand in my way.

Well this IVF obstacle is just too big to not get me down. Some of you will remember the incredible trouble I had producing ANY eggs at all in my first IVF cycle. Oh how frustrating that was. We ended up with 4 embryos; 2 we transferred in and two we froze. The first transfer was unsuccessful, the second was successful but followed by a miscarriage.

Up to the point of the miscarriage I was coping pretty well and had felt real disapointment but not shed too many tears over it. Well since the m/c I have done nothing but cry and it just won't stop. It doesn't matter where I am or who's around the tears come anyway.

The next obstacle I faced was that My Doctor (who I have known and trusted for four years) was going on holidays and would not be around to do my next egg pick up and subsequent transfer. I decided I couldn't wait for him to return and would proceed with our plans with a different doctor. I thought this would be my last hurdle for a while - WRONG!

My ovaries who were previously so uncooperative have decided to overstimulate and produce too many eggs. I can't believe it! I am sitting here now with tears rolling down my face (again!) in total disbelief. This means that they will collect the eggs and fertilise them all but all the embryos will be frozen and they won't transfer any back in this cycle. If they were to transfer two back my risk of developing Ocvarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome would be very high and it is extremely serious requiring long hospitalisation - in rare cases it can even be fatal. I might even develop it anyway without embryos being transferred back so that's something else for me to worry about. (Thank goodness cos' hey I didn't have enough on my mind!)

So the Doctor tells me that it's still really good because we will be able to freeze a good number of embryos for future use and I will only have to wait another month before doing so blah, blah, blah.

Now I have nothing against this man who came across as being vey kind and caring and obviously unwilling to put my life at risk. But I have to say I wanted to pick up anything and everything that wasn't bolted down and smash it into a million pieces. I wanted to scream that 4 weeks is like an eternity to someone who has already been waiting so long for something so precious. I wanted to scream that I'm sick and tired of being in the "rare" statistics at every twist and turn of this saga. 1% don't respond to the drugs - that was me. 15-20% miscarry - me again, In very rare cases (no percentage given) hyperstimulation occurs - you guessed it - me.

For once I just wish things would proceed normally and I could be in the large majority of women that none of these things happen to.

I feel like punching wildly at the very next person that trys to tell me any of the following statements that cause me so much pain:
look on the bright side
4 weeks isn't very long
you're still young - plenty of time
these things happen for a reason
in time you'll look back and laugh about this (my personal favourite)
it will be worth it in the end (have I ever queried this)

and there's so many more - people want to help I know but the emotional pain of all this is just so hard.

I really don't know what to do with myself today - I have another scan on Wednesday to determine the size of my follicles and then the pick up will probably happen on Friday. At this stage I am already extremely uncomfortable with tummy pain and nausea. He couldn't count the eggs there were so many. His guess was around 25, maybe 30. As you can probably imagine 25 follicles at about 18mm each warrants an extra 45cm of space in my stomach. Not pleasant at all. I'm also extremely scared that I will develop the syndrome before egg pick up and be forced to cancel the whole thing. This is apparently rare but I have done rare many times before so don't see why this time will be any different.

I'm sorry about the unhappy post but at least I have typed it all out now. I just can't believe it.

Kerrie

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What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.

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