Trouble in paradise.....
#213227 - 09/14/05 10:10 AM
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Lyndsey
Reged: 02/16/05
Posts: 581
Loc: Bay Area, CA
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i just need to vent, maybe get some support...i'm so frusterated and really depressed right now...
as some may remember, my boyfriend and i got engaged in july. we moved in together in june. we'd been friends for a few months before we started dating. anyhow....lately it's like he's getting mad about almost everything. two days ago after i dropped my daughter off at school (she goes from 9:30 to 12:50 he called me and said he'd forgot to bring his timecard with him. so he asked if i would meet him, i told him that didn't really sound very fun, but i'd do it anyway...i thought he wanted to meet about 10 minutes from the house. then he asked a little later to meet closer to his work which is about 30 minutes away (mind you i live in the bay area...) so i didn't really want to...then he got mad and said "well see if i help you anymore if you need me. i wont take care of your daughter when you work then, i go out of my way, and you can't even do that?" so then i was like "i know, but i don't have much time for myself, but i'll do it" then appologized. so he just kept runing into the ground...and was mad at me for 2 days. then last night our kitten got ahold of my daughter's hair ribbon, and almost choked to death, so he got mad at me for leaving things out, and told me he would throw anything he sees left out away, of mine or my daughter's. and it's like he's constantly mad at me now, which i get mad back because he tends to talk down to me. then i tell him it makes me feel so small, and he doesnt' respond, but when he says something i do hurts his feelings i try to do what i can not to say something a hurtful way, or approch it differently.
we got in a car accident last thursday, which totalled his car, and i know he's stressed out about that....but that's no excuse to get short with me, i'm trying to be supportive, and whatever, and let him know i'll help with it too...because i have no car payments for my car...etc....but it's like he appreciates it...but he's so quick to jump down my throat.
i try to word things when he says mean things or whatever "what you did made me feel this way...." etc...or "when i heard you say this i felt this way..." you know.
then even in the morning sometimes i'm worried how he's going to be, becuase you just never know if he's going to be mad at me for something. most of it is because i'm not as clean as he is....he was in the military....and another place that makes you be pretty clean (don't want to mention, don't want a judgement on that one!!) but i'm not crazy like that. like he knows he's anal, and he tries to not have a problem with it, and he's done pretty well...but i think he just passes it off...then blows up when he's had too much. i'm not messy messy ( i was when i lived alone, but now i clean ALOT, trying to meet him halfway) if you came into our house, you would think it's really neat...but i do leave things out on occation. i know alot of it's not my fault, but i don't know what to do. i am thinking of mentioning counsoling....but that doene'st always go over too well...you know....i try to have him understand how i feel, and in turn try to understand how he feels, and even if it seems trivial to me, i try to take it serious because if it bothers him, then i should take note of it...but it's like he doesn't do the same. and i have mentioned it to him, that i take his problems or whatever seriously..so if he could return the thought, but he just stays stubborn, and refuses to back off.
i don't know if this really goes into detail about how i feel...but i'm so frusterated and upset. i love him alot, i know he loves me....and for the most we get along really really well, and we are really eachother's best friends, and i know friends and family get into arguments...and especially because we just moved in together, we are learning bounderies...but i feel like i'm trying to understand his, but he's not understanding mine...and i know guys can be stupid sometimes....but i just feel like i need some advise
sorry this was so long, but i spilled my guts out!!
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You deserve WAY better. I was with with a guy like that for a very long time and if they're like that, you can't change them! I know what it's like to have to walk on eggshells, it's horrible! 
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Reading this does remind me of Tina's old posts!
I know it is hard to 'give up' on somebody if you love them, but just take some time and think about what is right for you. Maybe he is just going through a tough time right now, but atleast like you said you stsill don't deserve the way he is treating you. It is good that you realize this is wrong.
If this has been a really recent problem and further talks aren't helping, or things are getting worse, maybe you should take some time to evaluate your situation. Marriage is a serious thing and you do want to make sure he is 'right' before all that goes down.
Also, please remember, that even if you love someone and they love you, that doesn't change that you need to be treated like a queen by whoever you are with.
Is he ok with your daughter? Does he treat her good?
if this really is a true side of him coming out, it is hard to get people like that to change (if it is possible), and if he isn't willing to work on it or talk about it then maybe he just isn't the kinda guy you want to spend the rest of your life and raise your daughter with.
Well, that is my two cents,but keep in mind that I *am* a 21 year old, and haven't been in that exact situation, so I don't know what my advice is worth. I have, well, AGED alittle more than most people my age I can say though. I have been in a similiar relationship when I was younger, and things didn't get better to #1, I kicked him out, and #2, broke up with him.
Watch out to see if he gets really 'controlling', that is definately a cue to leave.
Another note... it seems to come out when guys are like that they like to 'snoop', you can ask Tina about that one... so make sure if you talk about thisto always log out of the boards, keep your password private, and maybe to keep your computer settings to delete website history.
Hope everything works out for you... it really sucks being on top of the world in love and have it crashing down.
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-Sheri
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Lyndsey,
#213254 - 09/14/05 11:01 AM
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_Willow
Reged: 04/06/05
Posts: 2090
Loc: Canada.
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PLease don't get mad at me for saying this, but I am concerned for your safety in this relationship. I understand that some people are Type A, and others are Type B and that's what makes the world great.
The problem is, I really feel that this situation could turn abusive. Your fiance sounds a lot like a guy my mom lived with for year. He ended up being abusive verbally and emotionally to me, and physically to a point, and he molested my sister. Now, this may not be the case with your guy, but I have this really strong almost psychic fear about men who are controlling right off the bat.
lyndsey, I can totally understand how you want to do everything you CAN to make this work, but PLEASE do NOT give yourself up to appease. Remembver how well that worked for Hitler?
People who are in dire need of control can turn ugly on a dime. PLEASE, if there is any sign of it getting ugly(aka, verbal abuse, or ONE TIME of abuse) you HAVE to leave, for your sake and your daughter's. The little ones see and feel so much more of what happens than they will ever tell you-they are afraid of hurting their mommies. It took me 20 years to finally tell my mom exactly how I felt. And I speak my mind!
If you feel it's just a phase, make sure it ends within the next few months. After that you could be in too far to get out.
With nothing but concern for you,
Not-Sore-Anymore 
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Keep on keepin' on...
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I'm sorry things aren't going so well right now. I think you guys need to have a good, long talk! If he won't go to a therpaist, than you should go to one by yourself and talk this out with an objective third person. You need to get things straightened out BEFORE you get married as that will only make things harder. Big hugs!!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Did this begin BEFORE the accident? If it is only since the accident I would make him be checked out by a doctor.
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Carol
nós somos o que nós somos e o descanso é merda
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Thank you guys for your input. I've been in abusive relationships....like really really bad ones where i ended up with bruises...etc...my daughter's father was abusive too....but i've been in verbally abusive relationships too....he's not like what i've been in (my mom was emotionally and verbally abusive to me too) and i've been in alot of therapy from it as well...
my boyfriend is actually really really good with my daughter, and when we argue, we don't really do it around her. I talked to him alittle bit yesterday, and told him that when he says certain things it makes me feel about 2 inches tall....and that i just feel incompetent and stupid, and i know i'm not. so we talked for a little bit, and he'd told me sometimes i do the same thing, which i know i can say mean things and i don' mean to say it that way....
i think he'd be willing to go to a therapist with me, because he'd mentioned it before he wanted to go for himself, becuase he's having a really hard time grieving over his mom's death last year (him and his sisters are having a really hard time with it). so i think it would be good to have a third party with us too....just to shine light on things that may be troubling eachother...
I understand everyone saying GET OUT!! but i don't want to give up that quickly....i really really care about him....and i don't want to seem cliche...but i love him...you know....if we can work on stuff then i'd like it to work, he's understanding MOST of the time.....
we moved in together in june, i'm not sure if i mentioned that.....we didn't really start to have arguments until july-ish....we'd been together for a year and only had a hand full of arguments...and they got resolved faily quickly...so i'm not sure if it's becasue we are getting our bounderies arranged...i dont know...
i need to drop my daughter off at school....but any other ideas or posts are appreciated. i didnt' have time to post yesterday becuase i worked almost all day!!!
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Hopefully things will work out for you, Lindsey. I know how tough relationships can be and understand the determination of trying to make things work. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.
On another subject - how about this cold weather we're getting? I was so sad to part with my flip-flops and have almost been thinking about pulling out the electric blanket! 
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- Jennifer
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I'm sorry to hear about your past. I hope things get resolved and everything works out fine! Living together can change things so hopefully its just a boundries issue. I think a therapist for both of you is a great idea. It sounds like you both have some issues to work on plus the new living situation! I know my therapist has helped me tremediously! Keep us posted and big hugs!!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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good luck with everything! I really hope that things work out, especially if he's great with your daughter bc i'm sure that is HARD to find.
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