Major Anxiety
#201068 - 07/30/05 12:05 PM
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Stephie
Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 2696
Loc: Vancouver, Canada
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Hi all,
I just wanted to post this here because it seems like some of you guys are the only ones who will understand how I am feeling today.
My stomach woke me up this morning at 7:30 (on a Saturday, the darn thing!) in major pains. I spent the next several hours back and forth to the potty with attacks of D.
I have been taking 4 doses of antibiotics a day for the infection in my mouth, so I am assuming this is what has caused it.
Unbeknownst(sp?) to me, I have plans to go visit my family cabin today. I say I didn't know because usually my family just decides I will be there, lets me know at the last minute and I am completely unprepared and often have to scramble to cancel other plans, etc.
So apparently today was one of those days. My cabin is just across the border into the US, so it takes about 45 minutes to get to the border and then who knows how long to get across depending on the lineup.
The drive is not really an "IBS Friendly" one as it is through a lot of farm land and stuff, ie. nowhere to stop.
So now I am having major, major anxiety. I called my mom at the cabin, because she was thinking of staying overnight which means I wouldn't have to go down until tomorrow. She has decided, though, that she wants to come home today but she has no car so someone HAS to go down to pick her up. And she has decided that I am going down to spend the day. I told her I was really not feeling well, and it doesn't even mean anything.
She says to come down in a couple of hours, to just take immodium, that I can just NOT EAT for the day??? She talks to me like I am just a child who is being stubborn, but I'm not.
I tell her I can barely leave the bathroom, she tells me I can sit on the toilet at the cabin (the ONE toilet, might I add.. on a septic system). She says we should come down really soon because there is a music festival. Um, hello?? Did you not just hear what I said?? There are NO public bathrooms in the whole area, and she wants me to go to a bloody outdoor music festival? Like I can just DECIDE not to get sick.
Everyone is always disappointed in me, or mad at me, they think I am just being selfish.
Adrian says we just shouldn't go, but he doesn't understand that the anxiety of being 'disappointing' and a bad daughter and bad granddaughter are even worse than my stomach-fueled anxiety.
I just want to be able to say, "I'm really not feeling well" and get some sort of supportive response. I am not expecting, "Oh, you poor thing, is there anything I can do?" but at least a, "Alright, well if you can make it down later we'd like to see you" or SOMETHING that doesn't scream, "You have no idea how much sh!t you're going to be in if you don't do what we want you to."
Adrian says I need to be stronger, just be firm and stop feeling sorry for myself but he doesn't understand. I can't NOT feel anxious and guilty and literally sick when they get mad at me, it drives me nuts but I can't.
I'm sorry to vent to you guys once again, but I really just need someone to be nice to me today.. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a whole bunch of immodium to take so I can try and make the car journey.
--Steph
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~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
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Ugh ... families. I don't know what to tell you. Good luck.
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Carol
nós somos o que nós somos e o descanso é merda
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Oh, that's lame Stephie. Just tell them you're not going to the cabin until much later. If there's a music fest your mom should be ok for a few hours, right? I'm confused how she even got there if she has no way home. My therapist says that as an adult you have to detach yourself from your immediate family in order to form your own. Your family will resist this, and become angry if you don't perform your expected role, but you have to do it. So I urge you to stop cancelling plans for things your family just expects you to do.
But in the short term, if I have D and I'm in and out of the bathroom, I'm not going ANYWHERE.
Hang in there, take it easy, and take care of yourself.
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Re: Major Anxiety
#201072 - 07/30/05 12:34 PM
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Sand
Reged: 12/13/04
Posts: 4490
Loc: West Orange, NJ (IBS-D)
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I'm so sorry. It seems like you just can't catch a break lately, doesn't it?
I certainly understand that you can't not feel anxious and guilty about not meeting your family's expectations. However, many years ago my very wise therapist told me that sometimes guilt is the price you have to pay for doing what you want.
Take care.
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[Research tells us fourteen out of any ten individuals likes chocolate. - Sandra Boynton]
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Oh steph....
#201082 - 07/30/05 01:13 PM
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Natalie1985
Reged: 08/09/04
Posts: 1329
Loc: UK - Leeds for uni, Merseyside for home!
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Im so sorry you're feeling so bad, if it makes you feel any better the same happened to me today, I think I have a bit of a bug but I was awoken at 5.30 this morning in agony and have had d attacks all day. To make matters worse my parents went out and left me to go and pick my sis up from work in the car and I too had anxiety attacks thinking I wasnt gona make it there n back. Luckily I did after popping some immodium, I hope everything turns out okay for you too.....Im sending lots and lots og hugs and happy tummy thoughts your way!
(((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))
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 Natalie
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*sighs*
#201087 - 07/30/05 01:39 PM
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Stephie
Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 2696
Loc: Vancouver, Canada
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So then during one of my many trips to the loo, my mom phoned and talked to my boyfriend. She said she had to phone because she didn't know how she was going to get home.
I don't understand!
She made me agree to come, I ended the conversation with, "Okay, I will see you down there then (leaving at 3, like she told me to)" and then she calls as if I have just left her stranded there!
What you guys said all makes so much sense, it really does.. it is the same thing Adrian has been saying to me but I just can't NOT go.
Adrian even told her on the phone that he might have to go alone and get her, and he said she was acting all confused and surprised.
Anyway, I am going to go. Adrian is going out to pick me up some immodium 'cause I don't have any (what happened to immodium, by the way?? It used to be so easy to just pop in and swallow, now they are chewable and even the ones you swallow are more awkward and awful? I hate the new ones!).
I will not go to the music festival, I will not go to the beach where there are no bathrooms. I WILL get lectured about it and questioned over and over again. "Are you sure? Are you sure?"
I just can't NOT do it. It's pathetic.
Oh, and she got down there when my Dad took her yesterday. He didn't want to stay the night, and came home while she stayed the night. She isn't impressed that he isn't going back today either.
The other thing is, I would feel differently if it was a once in a while thing but this is happening every week now. Every week she wants me to drive down there and back, and there is nothing to do there and I get hassled so much by everyone about what to eat, and what to wear (Seriously, if I don't wear shorts, it's like I am being very sinful).. everything. I was just there last week. But still, if I don't go, I am being a horrible grandaughter (it is my grandparent's cabin) and am selfish and.. aaaaah!!
Your guys' support means so much to me, I feel like everyone else is just coming at me from all sides and this is the only place I have to be honest and to feel understood. Thank you so much.
--Steph
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~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
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Hey Steph,
I completely understand where you're coming from. I have the same problem with my Dad, he asks me to do things totally last minute and guilt trips me like crazy if I can't go. I have problems not so much because of my tummy right now, but because I'm on a lot of heavy-duty sedatives to try and control my panic attacks and so I can't drive, and he lives in a different city. That's never good enough...I'm always feeling like a disappointment. And my bf is the same as Adrian, always telling me not to go and just to say no and take care of myself.
I don't know what it is, but like you, I have the hardest time saying no and always wish that I could just get a supportive "no problem, see you another time" or something. Wish I had better advice for you (or any advice) but so far I haven't quite figured out how to deal with things either  Just wanted to let you know I understand
Hang in there, hope your tummy feels better soon
Kelly
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Stephie--
I'm hissing and growling at your mother. (Sorry, but when I'm pissed off, I'm beyond language and resort to displays and gestures and it does get quite anthropomorphic!!! I feel like putting on some boots and kicking something--fulfilling my inner kickboxer/Jean-Claude VanDam them to **** diva/Goddess wanna-be heroine idol.) Okay, they're not being fair. They're being selfish and cruel and you know what--it's not good for your health and well being.
I would just stick to my "guns." You're HURTING and you've got D and pain and you could really end up up the creek without a paddle! So...rent some videos...be YOUR OWN PERSON and do what you feel you need to do. You just sound so manipulated. (Okay, I know I'm being opinionated and I'm trying not to sound bossy or like a bitch, but I'd tell you're mother to have a wonderful time without you. What a tug of war you must be going through! Why are you cowering, surrendering to the MOTHER!!! I'm scratching my brain for a solution or at least a seemingly nice way out, but I don't think there is beyond NO,no-no-no-no-no-no-no...not this weekend, not necessarily not ever, but just not this weekend...and no need for excuses or appologies, but you've got other priorites/responsibilities, i.e. taking care of you. HUGS because you must just ache to bits and pieces that they don't need to take a bite out of you with this. So, see a funny movie instead.
Sorry; I'm a wee bit opinionated but I mean well. Mostly, I want you in the groove, with some spunk back because you sound so zapped...like you need someone to warm up your towels in the dryer and fluff your pillows and just spoil you, not pull at your heart-strings and emotionally blackmail you.
Kate.
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Hey, you can always crap on her couch. Maybe she'll get it then. 
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Carol
nós somos o que nós somos e o descanso é merda
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Re: *sighs*
#201101 - 07/30/05 03:34 PM
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RoseyL
Reged: 07/20/05
Posts: 14
Loc: Minnesota
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Steph,
I am so sorry that you are having such a horrible day   !!! No body really understands IBS.... unless they have it......I know that your mom is struggling with her health, but she really needs you to be at your best....which means staying home and taking care of yourself (resting, relaxing, eating right, being close to a bathroom......) We really are not very good at helping others when we are not feeling our best!! That anxiety stuff that we experience when we are D, and needing to know where the bathroom is.....it is horrible!!!! Major panic attacks when we have a little rumble.... not knowing if it is just gas AAAAHHHHHRRRRGGGG!!!!! And sometimes just being with people makes it worse because you feel like you need to explain, and you feel wierd, and nobody really likes talking about their bodily functions and how they are not working correctly at the moment, and then it will take longer to get to the bathroom because you are trying to be polite and not just disapear without explanation of where you are going, and if you have to go again ---OMGosh, this causes more stress and anxiety..........sorry, I guess I got carried away 
Back to your mom.....You are her daughter, but you are not her keeper. She really needs to depend more on your dad, her soulmate, and partner in life (I am assuming that he is healthy).....but even if he has health issues, your parents are committed to each other.... for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. I don't feel it is right for your mom to expect so much out of you, when you are not at your best. I know it is hard to say no to family......but nobody can take care of you, like you can.....So you need to take care of you first..... and then check on mom -- be the best you can be for YOU, and then for her. I know this may sound selfish, but it really works for me if I live by this.
I don't know how old your mom is, but I am 42. I have a 17 and 15 year old (stress city during these teenage years ). I know from experience that if I don't take care of me, nobody will. My family doesn't get IBS.....but they are getting better. My mom had it, and I didn't understand until I started having it. I pray that my kids won't have to go through this!! And I pray that your IBS will settle down so you can be the person you want to be and the person God created you to be
Blessings
Rosey
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Re: *sighs*
#201113 - 07/30/05 07:09 PM
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Augie
Reged: 10/27/04
Posts: 5807
Loc: Illinois
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Steph, I just don't know what to say to help you. It's hard to not do what our mom's need us to do. Especially when you have a care-taking nature about you. I know we get taken advantage of a lot...but you are a good person and the world is a better place for having people like you in it. It is hard to know when to say no and when to help others. I have a hard time with it as well. I guess it will always be a battle for us. If you put your own needs met, you feel guilty. If you don't, you suffer the consequences. No win.
I hope your trip was okay. Will you go through this every time mom goes there?
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~ Beth
Constipation, pain prodominent,cramps, spasms and bloat!
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Oh steph I am soo sooo sorry for your mothers insensitivity to you when all you need and deserve is a big reassuring hug and someone to cheer you up. its sooo hard when all we are to family members is an inconconvenience and they just don't get that we never CHOSE to suffer this way. I have this problem with two out of three of my brothers and it has created much distance between us.
I really hope you made the drive ok. I am sending you huge hugs and if I lived closer, would bring you some warm vegie soup to soothe your poor insides. Please make sure you are popping probiotics like there is no tomorrow.
Hugs, Dalia XXX
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Feel the fear and do it anyway!
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immodium
#201116 - 07/30/05 07:33 PM
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Debby
Reged: 11/05/03
Posts: 460
Loc: Cleveland, Ohio
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Hi Steph, Hope you have made it there and back by now and have survived. Just wanted to mention that I get my Immodium by RX and I can usually get about a 100 pills for 5.00 (with insurance paying some of it) and they are capsules so they go down so much easier. I'm not sure how much they are if you don't have insurance but I don't have that great of prescription insurance so maybe not too much. These are not prescription strength - just cheaper and easier to swallow.
Take care,
Debby
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Hi Steph. My parents have passed away and I am 57 yrs old. My youngest sister has decided to become the matriarch of the family and thinks I should just get over my stomach problems and get a Life (her words)..  I have a terrible time standing up for myself and it leaves me open to anger, illness, stress yada yada yada. Dr. Phil says we teach people how to treat us! I am working on that concept.
But on another note your problem has made me question just how much pressure I put on my daughter to do things I think "she should do"....I will be very aware of how much manipulation plays a role in my relationship with her. Thanks for the topic discussion, hope you work this out with your family. Don't wait until your 50 and still ticked off at them for acting the way you've/we've allowed them to for years.
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Franny
IBS/D
Celiac
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For Debby
#201130 - 07/30/05 09:17 PM
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Stephie
Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 2696
Loc: Vancouver, Canada
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Thanks so much, that is great to know! I was so dissapointed with these new immodium, this sounds perfect.
Cheers!!
--Steph
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~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
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Hi guys,
I just wanted to say thank you again for all the support, it means so much to me. Really.
So we made it down there, and I was okay. After I took 2 doses of immodium and drank a bunch of peppermint tea, and then didn't eat anything I survived the drive with not tooooo much stress.
Luckily for us, the lineup at the border was pretty short so that made our trip a lot shorter than it could have been.
We went to the beach and Adrian went playing in the water with Ranger, I stayed for a while and then walked back when I had to use the potty.
I ate a little bit of chicken and some pieces of potato dinner, and then we left shortly after that.
Adrian really helped me calm down before we left, or I think I would have been a mess.
I think I will definitely start trying to stick up for myself more, it just feels at such an awkward time with my mom getting sick and stuff.
Hopefully I will be able to avoid these kinda situations better in the future.
Thanks again all!
**hugs to all**
--Steph
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~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
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Steph,
I am glad things went better for you during the trip. Just out of curiousity, how does Ranger do on the car trip? Do you keep him loose or in a crate while traveling? I am usually worried about having an attack when we go to our boat, that I typically leave our dog at home with a neighbor letting her out or take her to my future BIL's for the night. I would like to take her with, but always worried about Jason having to deal with both of us.
Thanks in advance!
-Michelle
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I have the same problems with MIL. My mum is great and if I say my belly is acting up she just tells me to rest but MIL will tell me that if I only get out and get some fresh air I will feel SO much better and have a great time. They also have a holiday house we are obligated to visit (SO embarrassing to have an attack while there is MIL, FIL, DH, all 3 kids, BIL, SIL and a hundred other guests who always seem to be invited at the same time as us. It's so very frustrating to feel obligated to do things you physically aren't able to do. No one without IBS understands just how scary a car trip can be or how miserable a "break away from it all" is when you feel like your insides are falling out. BIG (((HUGS)))). I'm glad it went okay for you.
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Amy
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It's amazing how much Immodium can save your butt! You seem so torn. I don't know, Steph--one of these days are you going to stick up for yourself and be firm and work on the "guilt-trip" issue?
I'm glad everything went okay, though.
Kate, IBS-D.
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For Wind
#201185 - 07/31/05 10:54 AM
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Stephie
Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 2696
Loc: Vancouver, Canada
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Quote:
It's amazing how much Immodium can save your butt! You seem so torn. I don't know, Steph--one of these days are you going to stick up for yourself and be firm and work on the "guilt-trip" issue?
Oh Lordy, I hope so! I feel like it is one of those things that one part of me knows, and the other part resists. I do feel really torn a lot. Adrian just seems dumbfounded 'cause I let myself get so upset, and he thinks it would so simple to just stop.
I really wish I was seeing my counsellor right now, but I just can't afford it. I literally have $1 (well, $1.62) in my bank account right now so it's just not an option. She was very firm with me that I need to learn a lot of things that will make me so much happier, and we were just starting to try and work through them when I said I couldn't go anymore. Oh well, I will go again once I have some money. I just wish it weren't SO expensive!
Thanks again for your posts, I feel much stronger for reading that I have some support.
**hugs**
--Steph
I'm glad everything went okay, though.
Kate, IBS-D.
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~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
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Hi Michelle!
I think it really depends on the dog when you are talking car trips. When we saw the little post in the doggie park about Ranger needing a home, it specifically said that he is great in the car. We would have had him anyway, but it sure is a bonus!
He just hops into the backseat or if we take my Dad's SUV, the little back bit and lies down and you almost forget he's there 'cause he's so good and quiet. If we are in the car for a while, we make sure to stop and let him have a wee and give him some water and stuff (especially since it has been so hot), but he's no trouble at all.
That being said, I have a little dog and we don't really take her very many places 'cause she isn't a great car dog. She gets really excited or nervous or something and just wiggles and runs around, so we have to put her in a little kennel. Then she doesn't wanna be in the kennel, and she cries. I hate when my dogies cry! Usually, if we do take her, she calms right down after a while but then she usually gets sick from the journey too!
My older dog, who just passed away recently, was a big dog and she'd lie right down and stuff but she also would get carsick. We learned though that half a gravol could usually do the trick!
Hope this helps!!
--Steph
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~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
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Natalie
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That helps a lot! She's my baby and could care less what Jason is doing unless it involves food. I am hoping she will just settle down after a bit since she will be with me. Hopefully there won't be any car sickness. Thanks again for the advice.
-Michelle
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Steph,
In the eyes of my own mother, I will always be a little girl, no matter how old I am. Ditto for my dad. They know me well enough by now that I am immune to any potential guilt tripping. Yes, they have tried and well, I just tell them frankly and plainly without excuses or appologies NO. Well, unless I want to say yes and participate. I guess it's about choice and free will and severing the heart-strings. Those mummies and daddies have the power over our inner little girls to make us marionettes if we let them. Sooner or later we learn to save ourselves, not necessarily from our parent's guilt trips but from the creeps we run into in life. Also, from other parts of ourselves.
Therapy is a luxury, I agree. Sorry you're broke. Hope a legitimate means of funds finds you a.s.a.p.
Hugs, though. I used to feel like such a psychological whore succumbing to guilt trips until I just started "living out loud." And still, sometimes, it tears me appart to say no and mean no. But I feel better when I do...if that is indeed my inclination.
Hugs again. It's hard.
Kate, IBS-D.
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Stephanie, you a a grown adult and your mom should treat you like a kid. It makes me mad. You should try to develop your assertiveness with her. Yes, she has cancer, but she shouldn't be like that to you or your dad. Someone needs to make her 'chill out' a bit.
I'm glad you amde it there fine and had a great time. That's the best possible outcome which is wicked!
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