What to do about my mother's big mouth?
#200482 - 07/28/05 12:22 PM
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momof2
Reged: 07/27/04
Posts: 68
Loc: Belgium, but soon to be Maryland
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Oh, I can't believe this...I finally told my parents that I had been diagnosed with IBS and would get D sometimes 10 times a day (I am almost symptom free right now). Anyway, my mother feels it is her place to talk to EVERYONE she knows about it. Then, she calls me with all the different ideas her clients and friends have given her. Let me tell you, they come up with some humdingers too (get a colonic, eat more fiber, and take chinese herbs)She also cannot have a conversation with me without bringing up the subject either. I tend to be very closed-mouthed about these sorts of things, even to my husband and kids. So, everytime I get on the phone with her, my family has to hear the words D and C about 20 times. UHG! I almost wish I hadn't said anything to her in the first place. I was just so mad at her for griping at me about not being communicative enough with her that I spilled the beans on my IBS. GRRR Does anyone have this problem? Unfortunately, I can't just ask her to stop because she is also very passive-aggressive and she would end up get really nasty with me, and then she would become even more difficult. *sigh*
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*Karyn* IBS D
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Ah yes. My mother has a HUGE mouth. She also tends to get things slightly wrong and repeat them to other's wrong. So, rather than tell everyone about my IBS, she'd forget what it really was and tell them I have worms or something. It's hilarious to hear what comes out of her mouth, though when I was younger it really bothered me.
I can't offer advice, but if you find a solution, please share! 
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My mom does similar stuff. She is really close with her sisters and cousins, and they all talk about what their children are going through. I got several books when I got diagnosed, from random aunts and cousins. People are constantly cutting out articles for me. I don't love that everyone knows about my D, but I have to say that I know my mom is just investigating every possible avenue and remedy so that I can get better soon. Is it possible that your mom is up to the same thing? Even if she's not, can you just delude yourself into believing that she has good intentions? It's easier than being angry.
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Amanda
I live in the Big Apple, but I don't eat the skin
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Laugh!
#200502 - 07/28/05 12:43 PM
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Linz
Reged: 09/01/03
Posts: 8242
Loc: England
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It's the only way I've found. You could tell her it embarrases you, but then she's probably just say it all in a stage whisper instead! Ah, Moms. Gotta love em...or you'd kill them! 
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Christine
Those who can do; those who want it done better teach.
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Yep! Moms!
I had some people over for diner, and I cooked out of the "Cooking for IBS". My mom started showing everyone this "great cookbook" that I'm using now, and I was so embarased! I mean, it is a great book, but I'm not really at the point where I want to tell everyone what I'm going through, yet.
So I totally understand how you feel!
--Myra
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IBS-D
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IBS-D
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If that was me, I'd be all like "MUM! I don't want to talk about POO in front of everyone!"
It's nice that she's doing research on it.... even if it's the "ask the co-worker or friend" kind of research (that's how I found out in at primaty school that you get pregnant through your belly button if a boy kisses you ).
Maybe you shoudl tell her how much you appreciate her finding out all she can about your illness, and then say "I just wish it wasn't such an EMBARRASSING problem, I mean... having to tell people I have trouble with pooing!"
Hopefully keeping it subtle will work, and you won't have to straight-out ask her to stop?
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*Emma*
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She will not allow me to talk about any health matters. I am "not allowed" to discuss my pain, or anything related to my GI problems.
It is sad that I can't cry on her shoulder when I am hurting so badly...or so frustrated over not being able to get a grasp on thing.
And she never cooks me safe foods at holiday...and she won't talk to me if I have the guts to bring my own food. Suppose she thinks it's just my way of staying "eating disordered". I have lost her trust.
Okay, digressed a litte. Just so happy I have you all to be my support system...although it would be nice to get an actual real hug, or to "hear" the words "I'm sorry you feel so bad". I guess I should stop hoping for the impossible.
Sorry this post is so negative. Guess I'm just venting. And again, makes me all the more appreciative of how patient people on the boards have been with me...and how accepted I have been. At least you guys haven't given up on me yet...I hope!
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~ Beth
Constipation, pain prodominent,cramps, spasms and bloat!
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Ask her how she would like it if you discussed her private matters with your friends.
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Carol
nós somos o que nós somos e o descanso é merda
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Ah, yes.
#200875 - 07/29/05 12:27 PM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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She'll get over it. It's nice she's trying to help, tho. My mom tried to "help" like that, and I nearly lost a molar grinding my teeth to be polite. 
If you out-gross her, sometimes that can work. When I use words like "explosive diarrhea and cramps" and "gut-wrenching, stabbing pain," she shuts up a little. Eventually she'll stop babbling. Will you die of embarassment before she stops? Probably. Just take deep breaths when you feel like the earth needs to open up and swallow you whole. Deeeep breeeeaaths.
~nelly~ 
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Both her and my Dad are completely awesome. They both listen with sympathy, give me big hugs when I need them, I can call any time I feel terrible for a whinge and they don't mind, they listen for hours and hours about diets, weight, tummy pain, D, bloating, you name it they hear it! They're even supportive of any weird diets I'm on when I visit! I couldn't ask for better one's
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Amy
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Yeah, I have the same problem. I just don't talk about it anymore. Period. My family actually is really nice about it and they totally understand that if I'm not talking about it voluntarily, it means I don't want to discuss it.
My in-laws, on the other hand ... ahhh, that's another story! They are very sweet and sympathetic but they get everything wrong! I am a D and they are always asking me if I have tried Zelnorm. I can't even talk to them without them asking about my latest doctor's visit. At a large gathering, my husband's aunt told everyone that I wasn't eating because I couldn't eat sugar! I don't know WHERE she got that! I think that was when I decided that I Give Up. It's just not worth it.
I am also a very private person, so I understand how embarrassing it is when it feels like the whole world knows about your bowel habits! I guess there is not much you can do other than shrug and move on, and try to remember that, as awful as you find it, they are really trying to be helpful.
The bad part is that sometimes when people are trying to be helpful, you just really wanna kick 'em in the teeth.
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jen
"It's one of the most serious things that can possibly happen to one in a battle -- to get one's head cut off." -- LC
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doubletrouble
No, not a weird mom - a real mom (and dad). How wonderful for you.
I am 53 and been suffering for over 30 years, unfortunately my dad died 25 years ago and my mom is unable to support me - my sisters and I have to support my mom!! And then I have 2 sons and 4 grandchildren and I have to support them!! so somewhere in the middle I am splitting!!ha.ha.
Judith
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Beth,
In reading your post, I completely understand what you are going through. My mom is a nurse who has compassion for all her patients and for me up until February/March when I got my diagnosis. After that it was just like someone flipped a switch and she was supportive in finding out what was wrong (I think she was hoping I was pregnant) and then when I said it was IBS, suddenly she didn't care how I felt since it was all in my head.
In June I had a serious attack come on the day before my sister's birthday and went about 48 hours without sleep since I was sick and living in the bathroom. I took a sleeping pill once my gut calmed down and I as able to eat the basics again. I slept through my sister's birthday and when I finally was with it two days after the fact I felt horrible. I called my sister immediately and apologized. She figured that since she gotten my card and I hadn't called that was something was up and didn't want to bother me until I was better (great sis, too bad she in TX). At least she could joke with me about keeping my tummy trim with all the muscle work out I had had and that it must be nice to sleep.
All I heard from my mother was 2 emails, 4 messages on my cell or home machine telling me how horrible I was for forgetting sis's b-day (didn't matter I sent the card). When I called her back to say...I know I forget but I already called her and had sent a card in advance, I just didn't plan to get sick. All I heard was "excuses, excuses". It gets old trying to talk with her, probably the reason its been over a month since I talked with her. Hard to deal with when Mom and I talked every day once or twice. Course what do I expect from a woman who expected me to make pork chops for her, my dad, and other sister when they came over. At least my fiance spoke up and said "NO" to her when I couldn't get her to understand. Seems she understood from him that he wasn't going to put me through it or be cruel. ARGGGHHH!!!
I can't call Dad, since Mom screens the calls to him to make sure he doesn't have to listen to me "whine". Who cares that I am calling for another reason. Sorry to vent also, but I am so grateful to everyone on this board who understands what I am going through and gives me more encouragement in being able to get through the obstacles that my gut throws at me. I hate to think what things would be like going through this and not having this board or Heather's books.
Let me know the next time you need a boost. I am here for you girl!
-Michelle
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It doesn't bother me to say what's wrong. I have Epilepsy too, and that has a much bigger stigma attached to it.
If I were in your situation I would just turn it around and embarrass your mother. Something like "What my mother is trying to tell you is that certain foods make me $*&# my brains out."
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Carol
nós somos o que nós somos e o descanso é merda
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