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"To be honest, I don't even think HE could tell you why at this point. Every time we talked I went through this scene with him. Do you love me? Yes. Are you still attracted to me? Yes. Do you want to date other women? No. Is there someone else? No. Then what? I don't know."
Ginger --
Do you work for the CIA? Please stop listening in on my phone calls and reading my emails. How rude! This is EXACTLY the dance bf and I are doing right now, and I am miserable!
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Amanda
I live in the Big Apple, but I don't eat the skin
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Oh, no!!
#194635 - 07/12/05 12:49 PM
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epa_ginger
Reged: 02/23/05
Posts: 1158
Loc: Chicago, IL
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So sorry Amanda!! Isn't it miserable???? Even though I'm over it, and happy and all that jazz, and don't hold it against him (anymore), I can think back and distinctly remember and even still feel the pain. I hate talking on the phone regardless, and talking on the phone about THAT STUFF, while staring at my ugly apartment wall with cheap lame posters is just way worse. Then hanging up after crying and eating a burrito with 1,000 calories. No wonder I gained weight in grad school.
I guess I'm proof that this kind of trouble in a relationship CAN be overcome. I wish I could give you some good advice. All I could do back then was hang on.
Hugs for you,
Ginger
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Thanks for your words. Yeah, the phone thing is paricularly hard when he's in London and I'm in NYC. 5 hour time difference means one of us is usually at work and the other one either just woke up or needs to go to bed. We keep talking and we just don't know what to do. He takes full responsibility for everything, admits he's being unreasonable, but offers no solution. I don't want to go into any more detail and hijack Kimm's thread, so I'll end here. My situation is so similar to hers anyway that I'm just going to take all the replies to her as if they were to me.
My man is special and I love him dearly, and I know he loves me. I just need us to have some sort of plan if we're going to continue doing the long-distance thing. It's been two years like this, and I need to figure out what I'm doing after I graduate from law school. I tell him what I need him to say, and he says, "It's not going to work like that -- you can't just put words in my mouth and have me repeat them -- our relationship isn't going to evolve that way." Uh, why not? Anyway, I've called him out and said that maybe he's trying to back away slowly, like he wants to break up, and he says no. So I don't know. Boys are cryptic. And not to toot my own horn, but I'm a relatively good-looking girl, sucessful, funny, etc, and I get hit on constantly when I go out. It's not like I don't have other (more convenient) options. But I just want him. Likewise for him -- He's cute and has a great job (finance), is a really well-rounded person (pianist, volunteers), and we share the same faith, which is hugely important to me. I know that he could have another girl easily. But we are both so incredibly weird in similar ways, I don't know if there could ever be other people for us. You know? Bah. Boys are annoying.
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Amanda
I live in the Big Apple, but I don't eat the skin
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My husband and I spoke on the phone for 4 hours before our 1st date...which lasted 13 hours!   We knew that night we would wed. We even wished it on coins at the Copley Mall!  (And only told each other during our 1st year of marriage)...
BUT...
When hubby found out I had learning disabilities he became concerned. Would I be able to work (I had been fired several months earlier because I couldn't do data processing...)? Would his income be enough for both of us? And what about the abuse I'd endured? What would intimacy be like?
Well...he decided to marry me anyway. And his worst nightmeres came true! I can't work cause I'm a mess emotionally and the abuse is def. in the way of intimacy! We have next to no money. BUT he still loves me and says he wouldn't want to be married to anyone else! 
THAT is what I want for YOU KIMM! *hugs* Every woman deserves that kind of love and treatment. He might not buy me presents or anything...but he LOVES me and doesn't plan to leave (still hard for me to believe)...and he well could! Many folks would have left a situation this tough.
If you feel that your BF would treat you this well (saying he wouldnt miss you after a few days really irks me...hubby and I miss each other while he's at work for a few hours!)...then I say stand by your man  If you have any doubts...I say walk away.
I just don't want to see such a wonderful person hurting...or getting less than she deserves!!! But as everyone has said...the decision must be yours...you know what is in your heart. But please careful with my friend Kimm...and look at for her 1st!
Love ya! *hugs*
Ruch
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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epa_ginger
#194710 - 07/12/05 01:50 PM
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Kimm
Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 1171
Loc: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
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That is EXACTLY what I'm going through. He's just out of college and has just started his first "career" type job. He has all the same answers your husband had. He loves me, he's attracted to me, he doesn't want to see anyone else, etc.
When he said that he doesn't miss me as much when we're apart he really didn't mean for it to sound as bad as it does. He was just trying to tell me honestly how he was feeling. He's been living 45 minutes from me for the past 9 months (just moved home last week) and I think the not missing thing is just that we've both gotten so used to not seeing each other for a week or two at a time that it's normal now....it's not that we love each other any less. Does that make sense?
When I ask him why he's feeling like this he has no idea. He was crying his eyes out to me yesterday telling me he wished he didn't feel so confused and he he wished he knew where it was all coming from.
I'm getting the gut feeling that it might have a lot to do with him finishing college and starting his career and maybe he's just at a point in his life right now where everything is scary and confusing. I went through the same thing when I graduated from University.
My heart is telling me to give it a little time. I can't throw away 6 years with him just like that. Who knows....maybe 2 months from now I'll be back here telling everyone how amazing things are and I'll be so happy we stuck out the hard times.
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Quote:
"To be honest, I don't even think HE could tell you why at this point. Every time we talked I went through this scene with him. Do you love me? Yes. Are you still attracted to me? Yes. Do you want to date other women? No. Is there someone else? No. Then what? I don't know."
Ginger --
Do you work for the CIA? Please stop listening in on my phone calls and reading my emails. How rude! This is EXACTLY the dance bf and I are doing right now, and I am miserable!
Wow.. I'm going through the exact same thing and didn't realize there were so many people going or have gone through the same thing.
Sorry you guys have to go through this too, Kimm and Amanda. And thanks to everyone who replied to this thread - now only if I could get some common sense knocked into me to follow some of this great advice. 
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- Jennifer
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Yep...
#194736 - 07/12/05 02:15 PM
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epa_ginger
Reged: 02/23/05
Posts: 1158
Loc: Chicago, IL
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sounds like the same thing. For whatever reason, maybe your guy, and mine, just had a hard time with this period in life where they essentially have to grow up. For me, I was excited and ready and looking forward to adult life. But I think my husband was afraid. It's like they don't see how to make the transition without getting rid of EVERYTHING, you know? If you can get past this point with him, really GROW through this, you'll be stronger in the end. Part of what makes my relationship so solid is that we've grown together so much (been dating since 18 years old, now 28), and we've teetered back and forth a bit, but we always balance out.
And it makes sense to me what you say about getting used to being apart. Last year, my husband was out of town for work a lot, so much in fact that he was gone for about 2 months. At first I hated it, and was pretty sad. Then I got used to it, and when he would come home, I'd be like....get out of my way!! I mean, I had adjusted to being on my own---I HAD to, you know? I couldn't just be miserable every day, I had to keep trucking without him, and so when he did finally come home, I felt like I had to adjust to him being there. It was hard for both of us. Now he rarely goes for more than a week, and when he's gone, I "miss" him and I'm glad to have him back, but I'm ok too.
I think if your heart is telling you to give it more time, that's what you should do. No one ever got anywhere in love by listening their brains---at least I didn't! It makes me sound like some kind of hopeless romantic, and I'm really not. I just think that a lot of solid relationships go through their rocky periods, where one person is kind of keeping it together for both. I don't think it makes either of you a weaker person, just human.
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Quote:
It's like they don't see how to make the transition without getting rid of EVERYTHING, you know?
That's part of our problem too. BF is over committed and super busy, and knows that his current routine would not make him a good husband. He refuses to be as busy when he's married as he is now. The only problem is he can't figure out what to give up. I told him he's got to find one thing less important to him than I am, and give that up. If he can't, we don't belong together. He didn't really like the sound of that and said he knows he's an ahole and needs to figure his stuff out. He lost me like that once before, and doesn't want to do it again. I told him no second chance this time. We'll see what happens.
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Amanda
I live in the Big Apple, but I don't eat the skin
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sounds like you're handling this the right way...I mean, everyone deserves a break, but not to the point of enabling "a-hole" behavior. I hope he makes the right choice. Don't you just want to shake him, slap him and say: Don't you realize I'm the best thing that's ever happened to you?!?!
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My mom and dad have been happily married 25 years.. but she gave me some advice..
My mom said that marriage is hard enough as it is, and marrying someone that does not adore you is only a recipe for disaster. She said that as years pass when you'r emarried, you need all that extra love you had for one another in the beginning to get your through the hard times.
my mom thinks that if a guy does not adore you, and would drop anything for you just to be with you, I honestly think he'll be wishy washy for life. (I know that there are rare cases).. but I think that when you've found THE ONE there is no need to question anything, you just know, and really you'd drop anything for that person(at least at first.. haha my mom says that that fades, but I agree that if you have that at first, you can probably make it through the long haul a heck of alot easier)
I honestly am not married or close to it, so I don' tknow if its true.. but I know my mom's very smart, and I know my parents still make out in the kitchen to this very day.
good luck with everything..
some advice I could give you.. is you dont' want to keep waiting around and giving second chances until you end up older than you'd like to be when you get married and start your family
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