Why do some people have to be so rude?!
#154948 - 02/28/05 10:05 AM
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RachelT
Reged: 07/01/04
Posts: 2350
Loc: Minnesota
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Especially those that are supposed to be your friends!
I'm sorry to whine, but I just can't get this out of my head...
While I was out of town this weekend, I met up with a friend of mine that I hadn't seen since July of last year. We decided before I even left Iowa, that we were going to get some food and then go shopping Friday night and that we would meet at the restaurant. We went to Chipotle which is a fast food Mexican place that's very similar to Subway... you go in and stand at a counter and tell them specificly how you want your burrito, or whatever you're ordering. They normally put white rice in their burritos, but I wanted to be as safe as possible, so I ordered a side of rice as well. Well, the gal behind the counter could not understand why I was ordering rice on the side and I had to ask her 3 times... rice on the side please. Even though I was getting irritated, I continued to be as polite as I could. She gave me the durtiest look. 
Finally, as we were at the check out, I had my rice and commented to my friend that I felt that this gal was rude to me, and if looks could kill, I would have been dead on the floor... trying to be a little humerous about it. My friend looked me straight in the eyes, and with a really snotty tone, said "well, you DID ask a weird question", and then argued with me about it after we sat down!
This friend has NEVER been supportive about my IBS, so I'm not completely surprised at her comment, but for crying out loud!!!!!!!!! I just wish she would for once take my feelings into consideration and keep her trap shut!!!!!!! If it wasn't for the fact that we were supposed to go shopping and I was really looking forward to it, I would have left her sitting there. Instead I did my best to let it blow over and burried my face in my food! Unfortunately, now I'm looking back on it, and getting very angry and disappointed, and wishing I would have just left her sitting there. GRRRRRR!!!!!!!!! 
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~ Rachel (IBS-C)
If life hands you lemons, make lemonade!!
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People just have no clue!!!! If they did half of the comments made about IBS would never come out of there mouths. I went on an overnight retreat with some collegues this weekend and one person asked why I brought so much food with me. Mind you i only brought guacomole w/chips, turkey hot dogs in a mustard and jelly sauce and some safe cookies. I told them I wanted to make sure that I had enough food to pig out on just like the rest of them. She looked at me kind of weird but one of my true friends said "who cares what she brought it just means more good food for everyone!" Of course later this same rude person was commenting on how great my guacomle was and the turkey dogs!!!!  All these faces here are for all those ignorant people out there and there is alot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (oh man today is not a day to mess with me. I am PMS!!!!)
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I can't let things go either, so I totally get what you're going through. How hard to comprehend is "rice on the side" anyway?? I'm totally on your side with this one.
Though I'm surprised you can tolerate their rice! I can't have it because of the lime they put in it... I've tried it and it's just too acidic for me. 
Frustrating, but you can't make your friend into a nice person. If she wants to be nasty and confrontational and insists on making snide comments on other people's eating habits, she'll find herself without any friends in the long run. There's no reason to put you on the defensive. She just wants to provoke you because she's unwiling to understand your eating preferences. Sc**w her and her perfect stomach. You so don't need the aggravation! 
Stick a pin in her voodoo doll and catch up on some TV, I say.
~nelly~
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Ha ha!
#154959 - 02/28/05 10:36 AM
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RachelT
Reged: 07/01/04
Posts: 2350
Loc: Minnesota
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Thanks Nelly! You got a chuckle out of me with your reply! I probably won't do the voodoo doll thing , but I agree... sc**w her!! I don't need that kind of person in my life! She's also the type of person that never ever compliments her friends either. She was my maid of honer and the only comment I got from her all day was that Eric and I were losers because we wanted to go to our hotel room and spend time with eachother instead of staying out and drinking (we were at a resort in Jamaica and she and her husband were the only wedding party we chose to bring with us). She's always more than willing to tell me how dorky I look in what I'm wearing though... go figure!
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~ Rachel (IBS-C)
If life hands you lemons, make lemonade!!
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Thanks Angela! Aren't some friends more trouble than they're worth sometimes? Sorry that person was an idiot! Glad she liked your food though! I guess you showed her!
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~ Rachel (IBS-C)
If life hands you lemons, make lemonade!!
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Hi Rachel,
You know, I can see both sides here.
I can SOOOO understand your disappointment in your friend. You expect her to be much more supportive, because she IS your friend. I understand that all too well. HOWEVER, you also need to realize that she doesn't have IBS and doesn't understand it. She's like soooooo many other people; we hear this all the time, don't we?
Your friend might also be a lot like me -- people-pleasers who are scared to death of "rocking the boat" for fear that others will think of them as (sorry folks) BITCHES. While this may sound sexist, it's true: if men speak out for what they want, they're considered "dynamic." When women speak out, they're just bitches. I saw this all the time in all the law firms where I worked the past 40 years. Men lawyers were forthright; women lawyers were bitches, all of 'em. I SOOO hope this has changed since I've retired!
But back to you: I give you a lot of credit for not only standing up for what you wanted (rice on the side, and damn the torpedos!), but for doing it politely, despite the feelings you were stifling inside. That shows a lot of maturity and self-control. Good for you!
Either you're gonna have to sit down with your friend and CALMY discuss your situation with her, explaining your IBS, or you're gonna have to just drop it and never discuss your pain around her again. It really all boils down to how close you are with your friend and how much you want to maintain your friendship with her.
Good luck -- and keep us posted!
Bevvy
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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Re: Ha ha!
#154964 - 02/28/05 10:44 AM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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Oh I hate people like that! I have this "friend" who's always putting down other people in a desperate attempt to look better by comparison!! She's always snide and it's really wearing on the rest of us! Man, people like that are so draaaaaaining!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Take the high road, sista!! You're so much better than her anyway!!!! You're everything she isn't: compassionate, empathetic, caring and kind! You just can't teach that at Sears charm school!!
~nelly~
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Sorry Rachel! Your friend sounds like she was being a jerk! Try not to dwell on it, I do the same thing though, so I understand! 
I hope the rest of your weekend went well!!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Thanks for your reply Bev! You brought up a lot of good points, and I agree with you on most of it.
I'm actually very much ok with her not understanding what I have to do for my IBS and I don't expect her to understand. I've tried explaining it to her and she gets annoyed with me and impatient because it's confusing for her. I've accepted that she'll never change. What I can't accept is how she treats me at times because of it.
To be honest, I probably shouldn't have said anything to her about how the gal helping me reacted to my request. I guess I had it coming (from her anyway), I just should have kept it to myself.
Our friendship has always been a little weird... she's never been supportive of anything I've done or said... ever! But for some reason, she's always tried to make me happy by making things for me. I get really confused because one minute she'll hate everything about me and the next minute she'll hand me a gift that she's made for me. She's always calling me and wanting to chat, but it's always about things she's done and when I try to share my experiences, it's boring for her. It's almost like being my friend makes her feel good about herself, but she can't return the feeling. Does this make sense?
I honeslty don't know how to deal with our friendship. I'm not confrontational, and telling someone who's only going to argue with me, that my side of the friendship feels one-way, is very frightening and overwhelming for me. She's always so quick to tell me how wrong I am, and everything I say and do is wrong... she's even stuck up for DH when I've gone to her for help regarding an arguement that we've had.
I've been fighting myself about this for at least 6 years now... I guess I figure (or hope anyway) that the further and the longer we are apart from eachother, the easier it will get.
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~ Rachel (IBS-C)
If life hands you lemons, make lemonade!!
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Rachel
#155004 - 02/28/05 12:18 PM
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Bevvy
Reged: 11/04/03
Posts: 5918
Loc: Northwest Washington State
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Sweetie, this sounds TOOOO familiar to me! Are you sure we don't have the same friend?
I finally lost her. Okay, in reality SHE lost ME. She meant the world to me, but after 15 years of maintaining a one-sided friendship, I had to let her go. Looking back on it now, I don't think she ever really wanted a friendship with me to begin with; I think I pushed myself on her. And I think that's what hurts me the most, that I would make anyone suffer like that!
I have to move on, which I'm having problems doing, but thankfully I have Barbie to help me through it. As Barbie said, "Just put her on the shelf for now; you can take her down later if necessary."
I know my friend is on that shelf, together with her pictures and things she's given me, but this time I know she'll stay there; I'll never take her down.
Good luck with your friend, Rache, and remember that if it's too painful to maintain the one-way relationship, there's always that shelf....
{{{{Hugs}}}}
Bevvy 
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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Re: Rachel
#155006 - 02/28/05 12:39 PM
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RachelT
Reged: 07/01/04
Posts: 2350
Loc: Minnesota
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Thank you so much Bev! That really meant a lot to me... to hear that I'm not the only one has had the unfortunate experience of attracting someone like that.
The shelf idea is priceless! Everytime I'm with her I get very self-conscious. I feel like she's watching every move I make to be able to catch me making a mistake. I stress over what I'm going to wear or how I look when I know I'm going to see her. I know it sounds stupid and I really don't mean to give her that much control over me, but it's true. She's so critical of me. I don't understand how anyone can be that way and be happy with themselves.
I thankfully have met some extraordinary people here on these boards and have developed some friendships that are absolutely priceless to me. People who not only understand what I'm going through but who love me for who I am.
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~ Rachel (IBS-C)
If life hands you lemons, make lemonade!!
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Re: Rachel
#155031 - 02/28/05 03:08 PM
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Lana_Marie
Reged: 01/31/03
Posts: 1968
Loc: Saskatchewan. Canada
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I say Call your friend and tell her how it hurt your feelings. She clearly isn't worried about saying what she wishes to you, so it's only fair your reciprocate...it's not fair for you to sit at your house being all mad at her...let her in on your feelings!!!
So sorry that your friend was rude.
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Lana_Marie
Proud Mommy to Bentley Taylor
Born May 12, 2004 9lbs, 3oz
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