I said I wouldn't but I can't help it....
#153508 - 02/24/05 02:07 AM
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I feel so totally awful today. That's why I am up at 5am and not sleeping in my bed like most people are.
The break up went so much worse than I could have ever imagined. He is devastated and feels so very alone. I feel so terrible like I have ruined his entire life.
We talked about our problems and I told him how sad and so hurt the things that he's done have made me feel. He explained that they were all done because he didn't feel like I loved him and that he was always second best. He admits taking me for granted too. I feel so torn. After hearing him admit to everything that's been a huge problem I don't now what to feel? Releived that he admits it?
We went through a list of all our belongings. We agreed on who gets what.
He never yelled at me or called me names. He said that he would never do that anymore.
I don't know what to do. I feel so incredibly lost and so sad.  And I can't stop crying. I have no idea how I'll get through today and tomorrow of work. He has taken the next few days off as he's too much of a mess to go into work. His dad and a good friend came over yesterday to try and comfort him. he also sent an email off to all our friends with the news that we have broken up but neither of us want to talk about it and that they all give us space right now. 
I knew this would not be easy but this is pretty much HELL!
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oh tina.....
#153509 - 02/24/05 02:14 AM
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Natalie1985
Reged: 08/09/04
Posts: 1329
Loc: UK - Leeds for uni, Merseyside for home!
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Im so sorry,
I wish I knew what to say to make you feel beter about everything but Ive never been in your situation so I really wouldnt even want to start. I can completely understand why you're feeling the way you are though cos you were expecting the yelling and arguing and the way he has taken it has probably made you feel guilty....honestly though you shouldnt. This is a decision that you have spent a long long time considering....its not just overnight that you've decided to end things and after all the advice everyone has given you here I know that its the right thing for you to do. Dont feel guilty for trying to make yourself happier...its your life and you can only do what feels right. I know thats not exactly gona make you feel much better about it all....just want you to know that you're in my thoughts and Im sending lots of hugs your way (((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))
--------------------
 Natalie
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Thanks Natalie.
I have to remind myself of my reasons and not give in to feeling sorry for him. I'm just such a sensitive person that seeing him so upset is VERY hard. I expected his reaction to yell scream and call me names. I'd rather that as it would make it easy to leave. The way he's being is making it MUCH HARDER to leave.
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Tina
#153520 - 02/24/05 04:05 AM
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Aww Tina I'm so sorry this is so rough. I agree with what Natalie said though, that this wasn't a spur of the moment decision, you really really thought this out and you know it was the right thing to do and still is. I also have never been in this situation so I can't really relate and tell you what to do, but it will get easier, and just because he can admit to his problems doesn't mean he'll ever change. You are going to be so much happier in the long run and you are a beautiful and funny person that was being way too under-appreciated and loved, and you'll find someone that makes you want to spend every day with them and that you love more than yourself.
Take care and good luck making it through the next month.
Big big big hugs and I'll definitely be thinking about you!
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Thanks Brittany,
I needed that reminder that this has been coming for years. It's not something I did on impulse.
I am looking forward to spending time with a new guy that will treat me well and appreciate me.
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Tina
#153522 - 02/24/05 04:20 AM
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atomic rose
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 7013
Loc: Maine (IBS-A stable since July '05!)
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I have to agree with Brittany - this wasn't a spur of the moment decision, it's something you gave a lot of thought to, and even though you're both upset, it's STILL the right decision.
Trust me, you haven't ruined his life. He'll be fine. And the fact that he's admitting where he's been wrong does NOT mean he'll ever change, so don't be tempted to change your mind... trust me on this one too. 
Hang in there. You have my email if you need to talk. You'll be fine. *big hugs*
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Casey
#153528 - 02/24/05 04:42 AM
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Thanks Casey. I will NOT change my mind. He is doing his best to make me feel awful and sorry for him though. He is no longer my responsibility. I need to remember that.
I just wish we didn't have another month of living together. That will be torture.
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Oh Tina, I'm so sorry that you're having such a hard time I wish I had some great pearls of wisdom for you but I really don't, I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you and I know you'll get through this.
Try and hang in there, hopefully work will help you get your mind off things and give you a bit of a mental break
Keep us posted,
Kelly
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I'm so sorry you're hurting. Remember, you're doing the right thing. Of course you feel bad. You've been with him for 10 years! It's going to take some time. Give yourself a break and don't beat yourself up. You've done the right thing. That doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt.
Hugs, Han.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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Oh Tina! Sorry I didn't have a chance to email you yet, been so busy!
Sounds like this will be a very tough time for you. But it is one month, even though it will feel like an eternity, once it is over it is over.
It is actually good that you are upset about this, it shows you that you are human. He probably didn't see this coming, even though he should have, and especially these first couple of days will be the toughest for him, but he is going to start to feel better, probably after you move out.
If he meant what he said about feeling "second best", then this breakup really is in his best interests, too, he needs to find someone he feels loves him "first best". He will come around eventually, although you are so spectacular that I am sure that you are not one lady that is easy to get over! 
Good luck with everything.
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-Sheri
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