Trouble saying "no"?
#134396 - 01/02/05 02:04 PM
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Stephie
Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 2696
Loc: Vancouver, Canada
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Hi guys,
I think we've talked about this before, but I have found lately that I have had real trouble saying "no" to people, especially surrounding doing stuff that maybe I should take a pass on when I don't feel well. Like the other day I was being sick alllll morning, and even though I made suggestions that I didn't want to go out to Costco with my mom, she sort of ignored it and I went anyway.. and ended up stuck in the bathroom for like half an hour!
And when I was really feeling yucky from the side effects of the new meds, I went out for dinner to a family friend's house and couldn't eat anything and ended up needing a lift home right after everyone finished eating after sitting there feeling awful for an hour and a half.
Now tonight we are supposed to go out to eat (man, my family goes out for food a lot!) and Adrian said to me, "You just have to say no, you need time to chill out so just put your foot down" but that hadn't even occured to me.. I was like, "It's dinner with my grandparents, I HAVE to go". We are going for pasta, which might be okay for my IBS.. but might not.. BUT I would just feel so much more comfy if I could stay in and not have to worry about anything for a few days.
My mom asked me again today to go to a linen store, and seemed annoyed when I said no.. but I just want to be able to lie around and have some relaxing time before my life gets thrown into chaos on Tuesday when school starts, and then even moreso once I find a new job.
Has anyone else figured out a good way to say no to family without causing a bunch of upset? I am having a hard time dealing with all these obligations that I never had while I was away..
Thanks guys!
--Steph
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~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
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I have no trouble at all saying no! 
It's kinda funny because once you start saying no, people take it and don't try and change your mind. My friends and family (and now BF's family) all know that I have IBS and insomnia. So if I am invited out somehwere and I'm too tired or whatever, they aren't offended and I don't feel bad.
I need A LOT of down time and my BF would much rather me not come along if I'm not feeling well and up to it.
Of course, I can't say no all the time or I'd have no friends left. But I'm very stable now and can do more socializing.
I think people that love and care about you should understand. 
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Wow can I relate!
People who don't respect when others don't feel well really TICK ME OFF!!!
My family is not understanding at all. They kind of 'pooh-pooh' (no pun intended!  ) the whole thing and treat me like its all in my head or I'm just a wuss. I've tried explaining IBS to them but it goes in one ear and out the other. They look like they could care less. My stupid insensitive stepmother still tries to get me to eat things I shouldn't. She has never liked me anyways - my husband said that its almost as if she wants me to suffer.
We moved away from my family and I must sadly say that it is great! It is one less MAJOR stressor gone from my life. I have had less attacks since.
Most of my friends don't understand. They ask me to do things when they know I can't and then get all huffy when I have to politely turn them down. I say, "Oh, that sounds like so much fun, I'd really love to, but I'm having a difficult IBS day today and I need to stay home...thank you so much for thinking of me" or something like that. I usually get a sigh on the other end of the line or some other passive-aggressive manipulative garbage. One of these days I might lose my patience and ask them what in the #@@$^&&^$##$%% THEIR problem is.
One friend in particular is not very understanding that I have IBS and I'm having really bad morning sickness now as well. She just asked me to go on a double date with her husband and her. She just doesn't get it. I CANNOT GO OUT - LET ALONE TO A RESTAURANT AND SMELL FOOD! What part of that does she not understand? My husband joked that I should go and vomit all over her plate! But she is the type who'd say, oh dear, go get cleaned up and lets re-order our meals! No sympathy whatsoever.
I have determined that people who don't support me, listen to me or act as my advocates are jerks and are not my friends anyway. When you love someone, you want to HELP them, not HURT them. It is very selfish for them to insist on us doing something when they know we are ill.
Oh, but I forgot! We aren't really ill, we're just "stressed" or "tired" or "taking it all too seriously". OH YEAH? KISS MY GRITS! 
If you feel well enough to go with your family but are afraid to eat what's on the menu, do what I did. (I swear my family intentionally picked places that they knew I could not eat at) Eat at home first. When you get to the restaurant, order bread, water, whatever is safe. If they comment, tell them that there is nothing you can safely eat but you felt well enough to come and enjoy their company.
So.....if you are feeling poorly, my advice is to thank them for the invite, explain you are unable to go because you are having a difficult day, and let it go. If they kick, scream, fight, whine, manipulate....that's their problem. You don't need that garbage. Listen to Adrian - sounds like Adrian cares about your health and is on your team.
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Steph,
I'm sorry people arn't acting very understanding with this stuff. I know I've had mixed reactions as well, but I must say that the full support of my husband is always SO helpful. It's good that your boyfreind is being supportive here. As for the others, perhaps you could explain to them that although you can't make it this time, you would love to do something some other time when you are feeling more up to it and maybe give your grandparents a call as well and let them know that you missed them - they should appreciate that! I don't know if this is a good practice or not, but sometimes it works to also tell people something that is going on other than being sick - since they don't really get it that you ARE sick and how much it effects you - like saying that you're really busy getting ready for school or something like that - but like I said, maybe not the best idea because it certainly doesn't help any with getting people to be more understanding about your disease!
I hope you feel better soon, hon. Do you know what med the doctor prescribed for colitis? Was it Asocol or another in the mesalamine family? I take 4 grams (which equals 16 pills, by the way) of Pentasa every day. I have more upper GI problems from it than I've ever had before - that includes dizziness, some nausia and lots of heart burn - I'm not sure yet how much it is helping but I have another doctor's appointment this month, and we'll see on his assessment.
You do need to take it easy though - you certainly havn't gotten better since you got back to Canada and you were doing so much better at one point. I hope you get back to that point soon.
Min
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This sounds like it could be a really big issue in controlling your symptoms. The hardest part in learning to say "no" is realising that you need to and you have already done that. Sometimes it may mean "causing a bunch of upset" or at least taking that risk ... But it is surprising how often people just accept that we can't do things. Everyone has the right to choose how to spend their time.
If you think it would help your family/friends to read something, there is a good article about all this at http://www.ibsgroup.org/main/aboutibs.html - it is based on the things people with IBS would like people without IBS to know ...
Good luck, and remember, you are only asking for the same consideration you would willingly give to others.
Josephine
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hi steph...i have problems saying no...my hubby says I am the most selfless person in the world, and I am not saying that to blow my own trumpet at all..I think its a negative thing in many ways...I always feel guilty about other people...I am trying very hard to learn how to say no..I AM getting better at it for sure, but it doesn't come naturally....
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Feel the fear and do it anyway!
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