Advice needed for close friend of mine
#133558 - 12/29/04 10:28 AM
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Where do I even start? This friend and I have been very close since grade one! Between the two of us we haven't lived in the same city for 12 years but we have stayed in touch 
Basically the problem is that she moved to a city that she disliked for school (teacher's college). She thought she'd move back home when she was done. She didn't because she met Andrew. They soon moved in together. A year or more later he proposed and she said yes.
Their wedding was supposed to be this past July and I was going to be a bridesmaid. She ended up postponing the wedding for a few key reasons: a) she hates living in that small town, b) her financee is a couch potato and is super boring and c) she started having an affair with another teacher (male).  She didn't tell me until months later.
This affair has been going on for a year now and she knows it's wrong. She is too afraid of losing her financee as she desperately wants kids ASAP. She doesn't think it would work with Bob (the affair guy) but doesn't want to move back to her home town alone. Oh ya, Bob keeps threatening to tell Andrew which is freaking her out.
I have given her every piece of advice that I know!  I tell her she can't marry Andrew since she must not love him if she's cheated on him. She can't realistically think it will work out with Bob. To me, she should move back home ALONE and start over with a new man!
But she says she's too scared to do that and as I said, really wants to start a family soon. I tell her she can't do that with either of the men she's involved with. If her kids asked how they met "Well I was engaged to Andrew but met your daddy (Bob) and we started having an affair".
She is thinking that she'll sacrifice her happiness and marry Andrew just to have kids with him. He has a great job and they have a huge, lovely house together, and a dog too. I tell her she'll just be unhappy and might even have another affair. That's just NOT right. 
What else can I tell her? Has anyone ever married someone they didn't love only to get divorced later when they had kids???
Any advice would be much appreciated as I almost don't want to hear about this anymore since she still hasn't made a decision and it's A YEAR later.
Help! 
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Well, I totally agree with you, she shouldn't marry either of them! It wouldn't be fair to raise kids in a home where the parents don't really love each other! Staying with someone for security isn't going to make a good marriage and isn't fair to either one of them! Personally, I'd say its time for a little tough love! She needs to grow up and take responsiblity for her actions. Most people don't like to be alone but there is a big difference between being alone and being lonely and if she doesn't realize that then she shouldn't be getting married at all!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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I have to echo Michele's comments. Although it is done probably way too often, one should not knowingly go into a marriage because they're "comfortable" and don't want to deal with being alone.
I think you have given her the best advice possible. If she keeps bringing it up, you're only option is basically to say what Michelle said, "You need to grow up and take responsibility for your actions"
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Yes, I guess so. I'll have to remember that next time I talk to her. She does need to grow up!
Thanks!
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I would also agree with the other comments made. You can't change someone by marrying them so if he's boring now he'll be boring as a husband. Also she sounds a little to selfish to have kids. Yes you give up some freedoms when you are a parent but it shouldn't sound like it's a death sentence. She also should respect herself and not feel like she should give up her happiness just because she might hurt someone else. She sounds way to confused to be making any major decisions. LOL
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She's VERY confused. She has even told her mom about all this. Her mom just wants her to do whatever makes her happy.
I really wish she would leave them BOTH and meet someone who makes her happy and fulfills her. It makes me so sad.
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If this girl has enough courage to move off to go to college, get involved with a guy, buy a huge house.....,then get involved in an affair, then she should have the guts to break it all off, sell the house, and move. Not necessarily back home, but anywhere. She does need to grow up and fast!!!!
It is obvious that this first guy is around for comfort, tell her if he is a couch potato now, what the heck does she think he is going to be after a marriage? Give me a break! If she has children, does she think he is going to get up off of it to help her out??? I doubt it.
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I know. If she has kids it will be way worse. He's a cop and is always working.
Plus she hates his mom so she'd be over all the time once she had grandkids.
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Do you really need a friend like this? She obviously is very selfish and disrespects others. Why does she keep asking for your advice? You already gave it to her and she doesn't listen. She sounds like a selfish gold digger, that no advice from anyone will help. She has no morals, and I don't think people need friends like her! Hopefully the one guy will tell the other guy about the affair and it will all blow up in her face, and she will get what she deserves. She will be alone!
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I am torn about her situation. But I don't feel it's right for me to judge her. She knows that I think cheating is very wrong.
I want to support her but have told her that I won't be her bridesmaid if she marries Andrew. She didn't seem happy but I could NEVER stand there and smile knowing what she's been doing behind his back.
She is very confused and I hope she makes the righ decision. I can't make it for her.
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