Daliatree
#126902 - 12/02/04 06:04 AM
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Stephie
Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 2696
Loc: Vancouver, Canada
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Hi there,
Thanks for your post. I don't really know what to think about it at this point. On the one hand, he is normally very sweet to me and pampers me to no end some days. When I was really upset the other day, he went out and got a comedy DVD I wanted to see. He has been trying to call me all day today, and he kept trying to talk to me last night but I wouldn't have it. He kept telling me yesterday he loves me just as I am and he shouldn't have said those things and he didn't mean it to sound as it did, but I still felt hurt.
I am not saying anything is my fault, but when I was reading your post I did realise that I have been so tried of complaining lately that I don't tell him how badly I am feeling. Some days, I do say I just want a 'lazy day' because it's cold outside or I'm tired or something, but it's really because I just feel so sick.. I think maybe I should be more straight forward so he knows that I WANT to be active, but I feel sometimes like I can't.
He's never done anything like this before, no. And to be honest, it was more his friends talking about _their_ girlfriends and him just agreeing and laughing along.. he was too drunk to really make any clear statements.  I still feel like he either shouldn't have let me get brought into the conversation, or have at least had the decency to not let it come up again when I was sitting right there!
I think you're also right about the moving thing, he has been acting really weird. And last night it was with his best friend, who I know he's really going to miss.. even if he won't admit it. His best friend is engaged to a girl who is _really_ horrible, and a lot of the time he was trying to make his friend see how much better of he is having me as a girlfriend.. Which I think is a bad thing to do to your friend, but I.. well, I don't know.
I don't want to break up over this, but I intend to speak to him.. or maybe write a letter as then he can't argue back and I'll get to say everything I want to say.. and just lay out exactly what I expect and that if he's not aware of those things or unwilling to stand by them, he should reconsider the big move. He is out all night tonight, then going away tomorrow morning until Saturday, when we are having a Going Away party so I will leave it with him until then. I am pretty sure, from all the apologising and attempts at explaining that he'll agree and we'll be okay again.. but I do need to let him know how badly it hurt me when I am in such a fragile state.
I'll let you know how it goes. He really is normally very supportive and more nice to me than I ever thought.. he has gotten so understanding about the IBS, but I know it is frustrating sometimes.. maybe it just all came out in a big, bad way.. I dunno.. guess we'll find out!
Thanks for the reply again!
*hugs*
Steph
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~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
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Steph...
#126906 - 12/02/04 06:09 AM
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daliatree
Reged: 07/10/04
Posts: 1176
Loc: Manhattan, New York
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Ok, I am really relieved to hear that he has never done this before, since that means there is no pattern and hence, it was just a stupid mistake and definetly connected to his insecurity etc regarding the big move...we cling like mad people to our loved ones OR push them away when we are about to leave them...it gets very confusing as the date gets nearer....you both need to support eachother (I just moved to NYC for my husband....big deal, lots of tears and excitement...I am very close to my parents in London)..
So your plan sounds good...the time away should give him lots of space to think about what he has done and then stand your ground and move to Canada holding hands....feel good sweetie, eat safe..lots of love
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Feel the fear and do it anyway!
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Eeeekkkk, that is a tough one Steph!
Lots of huggs your way! I wish I could give you an inperson hug right now.
What a jerk! You BETTER make sure that he makes it up to you! and we have all seen your recent pic after you got your hair done, you are NOT fat. Just because you are not a twig, you are not fat. Guys want everything. They cannot have a girl that is too skinny, they want girls with big boobs, but they can't have a little weight anywehere else, either. Argh.
Even though it is SOOO inexcusable what he said, guys do have, how do we say it here? 'Liquid balls' when they are drinking around friends. (courage from drinking). What a coward. And to say those things in front of you?? One time my BF said he would break up with me if I ever got fat, and I took it seriously and got really mad at him, even though I am no where near close. he said it when we were out with people, and one of his friends (girl) was mad at him, too.
Guys are so insensitive, don't they know that it is a cardinal rule of relationships not to mention weight?
I know yous are in love and everything and you will work it out, he probably WAS showing off infront of friends, but what I would do (I am very vindictive), is break up, go to the gym everyday, than send him a snapshot a couple of months later with a note that says 'Your loss!' Better yet, a photo with a really hot guy.
That is soooo not cool to embarass you sexually infront of other guys, your man (boy in this case) needs to learn some class. My ex BF used to do that all the time, there is nothing like wanting to crawl under something when that happens.
best of luck Steph, there really is no way to sugarcoat this, it sucks! But just try to concentrate on Canada! Think happy thoughts, don't let him get you down, you will just feel worse physically.
let us know how things turn out!
After the great day you just had, you would think that Adrian would be more appreciative of you right now 
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-Sheri
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Re: Steph
#126948 - 12/02/04 08:11 AM
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michele
Reged: 06/02/03
Posts: 6886
Loc: southeastern michigan
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I think the one you're on is a tricyclic AD. SSRI stands for selective seratonin rebuke inhibitor (SP?) they work by blocking and re-routing seratonin. There have been links to seratonin and IBS. Look through some of the articles in the library. It may be very beneficial for you to talk to your dr about adding in an SSRI, Zoloft, Wellbutrin or Lexapro seem to be the most popular.
I also just read the thing about Adrian and his comments. What a terrible thing for him to say!!! I would be crushed, this is exactly what you do not need right now! I also agree that the letter is a good idea. Since he has never done anything like this before and is trying to apologize, I think you guys can work it out but you do need to be honest with him how sick you are and let him know those types of comments are just not acceptable!! I would chaulk it up to being drunk abd the stress of moving but that doesn't excuse his actions!! GRRR!!! MEN!!!! Big Hugs Sweetie!!! Hang in there!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Get a good doctor to check it out then. There are real swallowing/throat problems that exist. Don't let your docs say that there's nothing wrong if you think there is!
Thanks, I LOVE that quote too.
I 100% agree with you. I want to be WAY better than just 'okay'! But today is a great day for me and I feel way better than ok. Actually,I feel fantastic! You will have fantastic days too. And if tomorrow happens to be yucky for me, I'll remember today and wait until the next great day comes along because it will.
I hope your life changes for the postive once your back in Canada! 
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OH MY! What a @#$% jerk!!!!
To SAY that to you at all is awful. But to humiliate you in front of his friends maks it even worse. iT SHOWS A LACK OF RESPECT. You are not blowing anything out of proportion. You hAve every right to be very angry.
I have my share of problems with my BF so I might not be the best person to give you advice -- but my first thought was to tell you to move on. His actions are hard to forgive and/or forget.
It is realy low. Let's dump OUR BF's and go on a trip to Australia or something!
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STEPH!
You're SO RIGHT!
So what if you don't go to the gym?
So what if you put on weight? Will he leave you when you're pregnant?
UGH!
Ok, must calm down now and get off high horse...
Steph, you are beautiful because you are YOU! You're sweet, caring, giving, kind, loving, funny, spunky, and full of life! You have a personality that shines through! Anyone can see that! It's not how you look (although I think you could be a model personality!) it's who you ARE!
I have been very sick! And I have put on 40 lbs since I married hubby  But he loves every bit of me! He knows it's not my fault even better than I know it!
If you don't like the way this guy is acting...I agree!
He'd better not make any more bad moves...he's acting like a big time LOSER!
Love ya Steph! No matter what!
*hugs*
Ruchie
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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Re: Steph
#127000 - 12/02/04 10:03 AM
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Janey
Reged: 10/25/03
Posts: 1716
Loc: Maryland
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I am so sorry that you are going through such a rough time and them your BF has to say those things on top of it all. Men can be so insensative sometimes. If you want to continue your relationship with him you really need to be very honest about how his comments made you feel. Also let him know that you will not put up with being treated that way even if he was with his friends. You also need to be honest about how made you have been feeling lately and that you have hidden it from him because you didn't want to complain. Once you have dealt with your feelings and he understands how much he hurt you then you need to let it go. If you keep those hurt feelings inside it will just add stress and resentment and you don't need that.
Hugs
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Janey
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Steph! I can't believe that he would say that to you!! I think you've gotten a lot of great wisdom from some other people - but I definitely agree that you have every right to be mad at him. It's a good sign that he is desperately trying to talk to you and clearly he feels bad, but there was no excuse. I think you should use this as a chance to tell him everything you've been going through since you said that you don't really tell him everything like it is all the time - but let him know how sick you feel and that it depresses you and makes it physically difficult for you to do anything and instead he should be supportive and cheering you on when you still manage to get up every day and carry on. Granted, if someone said any of that stuff to me I'd probably really seriously consider leaving that person because no one has the right to make you feel like that - but after reading your response to Dalia's comments, I think maybe with some serious apologies and an understanding that you will never tolerate anything like that again, I think I'd give him a second chance since the move is probably really stressing him out and guys are stupid when they're drunk with other guys.
Well I hope that some of that made sense cause it's kind of all over the place, but I have to go to class now so BIG BIG hugs for you and try and take care of yourself because you are such a beautiful and amazing person and he needs to know how lucky he is to have you  Look forward to the move!!
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Steph hon ya know I don't even know what to say!!! I will tell you this Rich wouls NEVER disrespect me like that!!! You do not deserve to be treated that way!!! He should love you know matter what and respaect you no matter what!!
Big hugs hon!!!!!
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Heather7476
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