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Hi all,
I am sort of being hurried by boyfriend to leave as we have to go and pick up some things today but I just came on to read all the responses and it really did make me feel better. It made me all weepy again, but not in a really agonising way so that was nice.
Like I said, I have been feeling that way more and more frequently lately but haven't told anyone. As I am a person who ALWAYS talks about EVERYTHING (can't shut me up most of the time), it felt really.. wrong.. to have it just sitting there inside me. I felt like I was keeping a terrible secret or lying to everyone when I said I was feeling alright. I did feel like a weight had been lifted when I wrote it all out and got so many really nice replies.
I have decided I am definitely going to try and find someone to talk to once I get home. My mom used to be a clinical counsellor/family therapist so I'm sure she will know someone I can go to. Hopefully I'll be able to afford it, or get some help!.. Maybe I should ask for a counsellor for Christmas.. 
I am still feeling a bit down today, my head aches from all the crying.. but I slept for about 11 hours last night.. funny how it can really just drain all your energy.
There are some replies I want to reply to specifically but can't right at this minute, but I will when I get back home.
Again, thank you all so much for being there for me. I tried for just a minute to explain it to Adrian, but he obviously doesn't understand. And he is one of those kind of competitive people who has to say they've had it too, or worse. Like, all he could talk about was the he had tennis elbow for a year, and the doctor didn't know what it was at first. So I think I definitely need someone else to talk to.
Thank you all so much for your kind words and helping me realise I'm not really crazy. 
**HUGS HUGS TO ALL**
--Steph
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~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
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I can totally relate to how you feel. I feel like I am losing it constantly...My mother has alzheimers,my dad is mentally abusive, with kidney cancer. My 2 daughters have both had serious drug problems and now I have uc.Not a pretty picture!!! I toally agree with some of the other posts..Talking with a professional and taking antidressants definately helps.I try to do one special thing for myself each and every day..I do know that hypnosis helps , as I am a certified hypnotherapist in Ibs..I can help everyone else but myself..I need to find a hypnotherapist who can help me.. I wish you the best and can totally empathize....
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I haven't had time to read all the responses but wanted to reply before I get too busy at work so forgive me if I repeat what others have said.
I totally understand how you're feeling. It sucks. I have spent a lot of my life feeling "sick" but all the dr's say there is nothing wrong physically. I know the empty feeling inside and the hopelessness. I know the sense of feeling like no one really understands or cares. I have suffered from depression and panick attacks. This thing with your throat closing up may be part of a panick attack. I know the guilt for thinking how shitty your life seems when you know there are people worse off then you. Just because someone else is hurting more than you, it doesn't reduce the amount of misery you are going through.
Which AD are you on?? In my opinion, it isn't working well enough for you. I think I remember reading that you were on Zoloft? I find that one to be the least effective for me. Maybe you should ask your dr about adding one of the tricyclic AD's, they work differently then the SSRI AD's. You may also benefit from a mild tranquilizer like Xanax, to help with the panicky feelings. They will help you to relax and may help both your throat and back.
I started seeing a shrink last spring and it really does help. If your insurance doesn't cover it, there may be some free counsling available, I'm not sure how it works where your at.
I wish I could say something to actually make you feel better but know that you're not the only one to have had these feelings. I really think you need to talk with your dr and tell him how bad you are feeling. Big hugs to you!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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{{{{{{{{{{{BIIIIGGGGG HUUUUUUUUGS!!!}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I'm glad you posted. I know it can get overwhelming. I'm so sorry you're going through this!!
You don't deserve this!!! It's not your fault you feel this way!!! Please try and rest!! You're so stressed and it's taking over everything!! I have been there too and I know!
Be good to yourself and turn off those bad people in your life and get some sleep! There are people here who love you and are happy to call you their friend. I know I feel that way!
~nelly~
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There is nothing wrong with feeling that way sometimes, as long as you don't act on it (but you said you won't so I trust you)
I know ALL of us have probably been on the toilet during one extrememly bad attack and wishing it would all be over, in one way or another.
I was so miserable that I wouldn't live a normal life when I started Heather's diet, and now I am probably 80% or so the way there! It will happen for you. It is just horrible that you go through this like EVERYDAY since you were ten. We should ALL be allowed to have our good days. Just concentrate on getting yopurself back home to Cananda, then you can concentrate more on going to doctors, resting, and whatever you need to get healthy.
Just think how proud you will be and how much your family/friends will be amazed when you finally beat this thing!
Good luck, Steph, and it always breaks my heart when I hear that you are doing poorly. I do not think I could EVER be as strong as you are in your situation.
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-Sheri
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Hi Steph,
I'm glad you posted too. Isn't this place a great outlet to vent! I know there were times that I've had those same horrible thoughts go through my head and it is a bit theraputic to communicate with people about it - makes you think about it differently somehow. It looks like you've already gotten lots of good advice and encouragement - but I wanted to add that I'll be thinking of you and sending you hugs - arn't you glad you're going back home soon - just focus on the good things - that's what my mom keeps on telling me with this Crohn's diagnosis - everyday that you feel alittle bit better, think about the feeling better times, not the hour or whenever that your tummy hurts or your bum is sore - think about the feeling better times and there will be more of them - I promise you'll make it! Also, on a more clinical note - the not being able to swallow thing definetly sounds like something involving panic attacks to me - there are medications specific to panic disorders that are differentiated in how they work from other anti-depressant type drugs - you should ask a doctor or a psychotheropist about that. I hope you feel better soon though - I know you can do it.
Min
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Steph!
#126676 - 12/01/04 01:39 PM
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Linz
Reged: 09/01/03
Posts: 8242
Loc: England
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Sweetie pie! I only just read your post - what a lot of cr*p you are going through. I agree with the others... when you've got a bit settled in Canada I think you need to find a counseller and get some better a-d's! Those thoughts aren't nice - I've been there way too many times and I never want to feel like that again.
I've had the throat thing too. Only once majorly, but then I thought I was gonna die. I think the IBS/nausea stuff can trigger that off and then the panic makes it worse. For me it was like I had gas trapped in my throat when we were on a plane that was landing (in Denver(!), so my pressure sensors were totally messed up!). I felt I couldn't breathe - I was gasping and not getting air. It was so so horrible. I REALLY feel for you if you're getting them alot!!!!! 
You are NOT crazy. I think alot of us have been there. All these illnesses and problems we get landed with are a bit much. Btw - sympathy on the boyfriend front! Simon gets a bit like that too. I reckon it's a man thing. Drat them!
Hopefully, leavingthe mad-house  and getting back to Canada will help, but get some professional help as well, okay?
Hugs!
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I wish I'd seen this sooner! I feel the same way most of the time... I honestly can't remember a time when I felt good.
If you go see someone when you get home to Canada, I'll see someone too! I've been so non-committal about it I'm starting to think I need someone to *make* me. Don't let it drag on for yourself. You're funny and smart and you look lovely in your pic and you deserve to have a great life!
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*Emma*
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Han Solo
#126870 - 12/02/04 03:55 AM
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Stephie
Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 2696
Loc: Vancouver, Canada
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Hi there,
I've never really thought of it being anything like OCD.. I will mention it to my doctor when I get home and try and get set up with a counsellor. I know that the ad I am on now helped with the anxiety I had about going out, as I got to the point where I was really scared to leave the house in case I got sick.
Either way, I hope I can get it sorted.
I have had it suggested to me that it could be the weight of my breasts causing me the pains in my back, and I'll have to talk to my doctors about that. I have been thinking about a breast reduction since I was in high school, but this past year I watched a show on the surgery and looked HORRIBLE! The scars are quite bad and the list of complications was too much for me.. so I thought maybe I'd forget that idea.. But if it is causing me this pain now, I might have to reconsider. Hmm.. so much to figure out now. Guess I have a lot of research to do.
Thanks very much for your reply, I can't say how much everyone's responses have made me feel so much more normal.
*hugs*
--Steph
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~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
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Sara Sage!
#126874 - 12/02/04 04:00 AM
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Stephie
Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 2696
Loc: Vancouver, Canada
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Hi there!
It sounds like you really had the exact same thing as me with the throat thing. I too used to think it was an allergic reaction to something and used to take Benadryl. I never went to the hospital, but it did make me totally panic..
Here is the weird thing, it comes on so often when I am not panicked. Like, I can be relaxed and chatting to a friend or watching TV and then suddenly, I feel like I can't swallow.. THEN I panic. I just think it's really bizarre.
I really like that quote of yours, it makes a lot of sense. I am really counting on things settling down once I get to Canada, but if they can't then I guess I'll just have to try and figure it out again over there. I know I'll be okay... but the thing that gets me down is that I don't want to just be 'okay', I want to be good, you know? It's so hard to make people understand how jealous I am of people that just get up and go about life so easily.
Oh well.. 6 more days 'til Canada!
--Steph
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~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
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