In-laws and parents! UGH!!!!!
#117672 - 11/01/04 07:34 AM
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Angela E.
Reged: 10/14/04
Posts: 2518
Loc: Michigan
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Ok this weekend was my first weekend out with my new "diet" as my family calls it. I ate safely at the mall on Friday when I got a Turkey sub and baked Lays. Saturday we had a pig roast to go to. Well I brought my chicken breast along and ate that with bread and a few baked beans. Everyone kept asking me about my diet and even though the host was trying to be supportive, I felt like screaming " I don't need to be treated with any special treatment!" Then on Sunday my mother-in-law invites us over for an early dinner. My DH tells her to make chicken and stay away from any vegetables like cauliflower and broccali. Well she makes baked chicken with butter and lots of spices, mashed potaoes with milk and butter and corn!!!!!!!!!! She says to me you can eat this right honey? Yeah sure. So I ate a tiny bit with my father-in-law looking at me like I was nuts. Finally at my parents house my mom at least called me the day before and made me spaghetti with light ragui and had fresh bread. I brought my own pumpkin pie. But still she kept asking me can you eat this and oh Angela can't eat this because of her "special diet". I could have screamed a few times. I told my DH that I can only guess what the holidays will be like. I am making sure I make and bring plenty of goodies with me. How do you tell family members with good intentions that this is not a special diet but a way of life? UGH! On top of that I did sneak a tiny piece of chocolate and am suffering today for it! Just had to vent a bit! Thanks!
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Yep it can be hard with family!!! I also get real tired of the can you eat this question. I just say that I will eat what I can and thank you for trying!! Some of my family is more supportive than other's in my family!!!! It will get easier after you have been doing it awhile and they get used to it. My mom and Cousin have visted this site and read all about it and the diet and are very understanding. When my cousin was here last weekend I ate badley!! She kept saying you don't have to eat like this because of me!! I can eat like you and then nobody will be in pain!! I love her!! I still did my self in but you know it happens!!!
I hope things get better soon!!!
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Heather7476
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Hi there,
Poor you, I know exactly how you feel! I think everybody kinda goes through it, to some degree but you must have felt so frustrated. I don't know why people don't get that maybe you don't WANT to talk about your diet - it seems perfectly natural to me! Like, "No.. no, I can't eat that.. unless you don't mind me in your bathroom all night long. Let me give you all the gory details of my tummy troubles..."  I think it can especially sticky with family or in-laws 'cause you really have to keep your cool so you don't make things even worse for yourself by having a temper tantrum or something. I know with my in-laws I spend a lot of time gritting my teeth because they are constantly harassing me about food and it does make me feel embarassed and uncomfortable.
*sigh* If only everyone would understand, eh? At least you are in the comfort of your own home now (aren't you? I hope so!) and you don't have to answer to anyone if all you want to eat is rice and chicken or whatever you fancy!
Steph
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~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
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Argh
#117714 - 11/01/04 10:11 AM
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Sheri01
Reged: 04/19/04
Posts: 1731
Loc: New Jersey
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It's annoying, isn't it? I have been eating this way since Easter, and my family *still* doesn't get the hang of things. Atleast with my parents, I don't have to worry about insulting them, but going over to my BF's house to eat can be a nightmare. I always wind up eating something I can't to not hurt his mom's feelings. I explained to her what I can/can't eat, but she understands that I can't eat an egg, but doesn't understand that I can't eat a cake with egg in it. And they are Italian, so they get insulted if you turn something down! My family it is considered ladylike to turn down food.
I already told my BF that I just can't wait to see how awkward Thanksgiving is, especially cause I have since become a vegetarian. He says he will tell them, but I am alreayd prepared for disaster!
just hang in there, hopefully people will catch on after awhile!
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-Sheri
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I know so well.. its why I'm having issues... my MIL is so sweet.. and her hubby MADE spaghetti sauce and nuked me potatos and broiled me 2 chicken breasts the last time we ate there (everyone else had lasagna, I had the sauce with the chickena nd potatoes, but there was MSG in the sauce.. had my SIL eaten there she'd have wound up in the ER! she's anaphalactically allergic to the MSG- Bill's brothers wife.... triggered a monster migraine in me.
Otherwise- his dad just meets us out and lets us chose where- or tries to cook but asks me for specifics on the menu- always has though because I've never been able ot handle the fried meals he typically serves...
My family does the go out for Sushi thing- its one EVERYONE's diets at all times.... strange with mom having Crohns, Michelle having Celiacs, me, and Tali and nyla being allergic to dairy (anaphalactically so)
Amie
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Dietetics Student (anticipating RD exam in Aug 2010)
IBS - A
Dairy Allergic
Fructose and MSG intollerant
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You need to tell them your diet is not by choice and not for vanity. I like to say things like, "I wish I could eat this cheesy dish but my stomach has other ideas." Use the word "tolerate" a lot. No one would make someone lactose intolerant eat cream and cheese.
I hate feeling weird and different too but you have to be firm. People end up feeling sorry for you instead of thinking you are weird but then when they start pitying me for not being able to eat the giant ice cream dessert with fried snickers bars I say I have lost 15 lbs on this diet and so it has been wonderful for me. I also have had to tell certain people over and over of the good stuff I can eat (I have told my sister-in-law at least 3 times that I can eat the brownies I always make) and they feel like I am on some restrictive nazi diet but at least they know it is because I cannot 'tolerate' certain foods and not because I am crazy or vain. I hope this helps.
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IBS-A for 20 years with terrible bloating and gas. On the diet since April 2004. Remember this from Heather's information pages:
"You absolutely must eat insoluble fiber foods, and as much as safely possible, but within the IBS dietary guidelines. Treat insoluble fiber foods with suitable caution, and you'll be able to enjoy a wide variety of them, in very healthy quantities, without problem." Please eat IF foods!
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I can't tell you how good it feels to share my feelings with friends that understand. I feel much better now and I know that I need to be firm with my family about this. Thanks to all of you for your support! LOL
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has anyone ever seen a book about family stuff and our eating habits? I saw the author on the Today show years ago and she had excellent points that I haven't forgotten about how our families make eating such a strange big deal. The way food becomes a reward when it should just be food and the way we feel bad to turn stuff down even if we don't want to eat it. It was mind-opening. has anyone seen this book?
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IBS-A for 20 years with terrible bloating and gas. On the diet since April 2004. Remember this from Heather's information pages:
"You absolutely must eat insoluble fiber foods, and as much as safely possible, but within the IBS dietary guidelines. Treat insoluble fiber foods with suitable caution, and you'll be able to enjoy a wide variety of them, in very healthy quantities, without problem." Please eat IF foods!
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No but I would be interested in reading it!
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ROFL! You've described EXACTLY what I go thru when I eat at relatives! Including when a couple of the hosts go in the kitchen and whisper and come out with this one dish, looking at *you* and they both start saying at the same time: Oh, can you have this? What in this can't you have? It has mushrooms. Are mushrooms oK? We weren't sure, so there's one without mushrooms too over there only for you.
Mushrooms?? you think. Pretty random considering the whole thing's covered in cheese...!
Then I have to sheepishly say, NO REALLY IT'S OK I can eat the stupid sequestered, lonely, small, dried out Sick Girl's dish WITHOUT the mushrooms (RANDOM!), then realizing it was cos I mentioned ONCE in passing that sauteed mushrooms have *tons* of butter, so I avoid them at all costs.
This is the sound of people mising the point!
It's sooo embarrasing to be put up for public social review. And they wonder why *WE* just can't relax!!
How about this scenerio instead: I picture a nice meal, eating with you Angela, and like 8 other people on this board, with Heather V. coming out of the kitchen with this big chef's hat and alllll of our favorites. And there's plenty of waer, and a beautiful candy dish of immodium on the table, and everybody happy and NOT talking about food!!!!!!!!
Sorry for the long post. I'm sorry you had to go through that scenerio alone. I was with you in spirit, tho!!!
All my best,
~nelly~
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Ditto...
#117828 - 11/01/04 03:20 PM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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There are so many functions built around eating. When did we stop eating just to live?
~nelly~
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IBS has really taught me about people's relationship with food. Its extremley emotional, symbolic and personal. I remember a few months ago, I went to eat at some random persons house (parents of a friend of a friend) and they were the FIRST people in years to NOT fuss over my food. They had been told in advance that I could have very little of what they normally served, but they just handed me my baked potato wit no words or anything. I felt so much more comfortable then I had felt in years at a table. Conversation revolved around topical issues of subjects other then my belly. I felt free, and normal and light. As opposed to the 'obsessive person' I have felt myself being labelled as, by others.
IBS has taught me to be sensitive and non judgemental, thanks to the people that have constantly been insensitive to me (even though a lot of them don't mean it badly). I never quizz people about their particulars anymore. I just let them be themselves. So I am grateful for that.
But I SOOOOOOO relate to what you are all saying, and Nelly, you are hysterical!!!
I have so often wanted to answer peoples 'polite' questions with something shocking like 'if I eat your pea pie with five different cheeses I will cover this chair and perhaps your toilet with brown sloppy poo with undigested particles. not only that, i will create the kinds of smells that you would think only a sewer would produce etc'...and then 'oh sorry, have you all lost your appetites????' hahhahhaha
but in all seriousness, I have found the social side of IBS the hardest to deal with (apart from nausea - hate that). I am a big food lover, and a great cook and baker and I miss those social interactions...but hey, what can we do????
I am so grateful for all of you that understand - big kisses
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Feel the fear and do it anyway!
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Quote:
When did we stop eating just to live?
My Dad still does...he drives my Mom crazy because she loves to eat out and he doesn't get it! Mom and I are going on holidays together next week and will be eating out EVERY night..mmm.
I love to eat out, and still do. What drives me craziest people pushing apple pie and cups of tea on me. Its a very Irish thing to refuse a cup of tea when you visit and I have gotten lots of odd looks and comments when I visit rather I just ask for a glass of water rather than explain that tea and coffee would make me double over with pain and take over their couch with my double over cramps!
Also I RANTED here before about TOTAL STRANGERS commenting on my diet..like in the work canteen etc! My family have been pretty well behaved really, my friends claim to understand and even asked for a list of my triggers, but when one of them cooked for me she made lamb curry (thank God for naan bread and rice!) and creamcake for dessert! (waste of an email really I suppose!) I have declined all "I'll cook for you" dinners since, except for one friend who made salmon carrots and boiled potatoes for me...yummy!
Anyway, I should stop rabbiting and sign off now,
Sinead
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S.
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It seems to me that if our families would "get it" then we wouldn't need to go to forums like this.
One of the most important things I've learned as an adult of almost 40 years is not to expect validation from certain people: some family members, included.
I've basically learned the Taoist concept of "the utility of futility."
PS. There are also more types of "families" than that one traditional definition. Here's looking at you, my cyber-family. We're the one's who are getting it right!!! 
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Life is transitory, love is not!
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Daliatree-- You so get it. I like you.
The isolationism that comes from painful, solitary suffering has given us all unique empathy. A lot of us identify when it comes to other people's burdens, suffering, cries for help, and lonliness.
Suffering gives us an introspection that we can identify in others. We are in a unique position to help others, and have acute sensitivity for others in need. This is a burden, but a gift if we can use it to make life easier for someone.
I want to make life easier for everybody here on the boards, because you guys really do that for me. These boards make suffering a little less alone for me!!
~nelly~
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I agree with avoiding the word "diet". Diet has all of these negative connotations. Really it doesn't matter what you tell family, they really are trying to be helpfull even if it seems ridiculous what they come up with! I had a hard time when I was nursing because my girls were dairy/soy intolerant. Nobody understood why I couldn't eat certain foods, made my own bread, and stayed so thin. I heard so many comments about how skinny I was and how they wished they were skinny. I wouldn't ever consider going up to someone that was overweight and going on and on about how BIG they are, so why is it OK to go on about how skinny I am. I really was not comfortable in my own skin at the time. I've gained some back and look normal now. My in-laws still don't get it! This diet is very similar to my nursing diet. I would just tell them the doctor told you to avoid these foods and give them a list! Or invite them for dinner and serve them a wonderful meal and tell them that everything you made were things you could eat and watch their mouths drop open!
Rena
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Nelly
#117986 - 11/02/04 07:58 AM
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daliatree
Reged: 07/10/04
Posts: 1176
Loc: Manhattan, New York
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You are a smart lady Nelly - I like you too my friend!
XXXXX
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Feel the fear and do it anyway!
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I have friends who do understand.. Proven by their calling me last night from the pizza place they were eating at with DH... it was his night out with the guys but some ofthe other women had come along for once.... and saying either bring a sandwich or eat before I came, they just wanted to see me... and if I didn't mind not eating with them, they'd love to have me join them BEFORE we went to the realtor appt... so I went and had a ball..even though nothing but water went into my mouth!! They do the same when we all eat together... they'll tell me what they are making if they are hosting and if I can't eat anything, politely ask what can be made for me, or suggest I bring something for myself... which I am fine with! And when they eat at my house they know they'll either get yummy food I can eat or Bill will grill or smoke and put something on for me as well as them.
It works well, but they are a close group of friends we do things with a lot, and food is far from a priority at the meetings!
Amie
Amie
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Dietetics Student (anticipating RD exam in Aug 2010)
IBS - A
Dairy Allergic
Fructose and MSG intollerant
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Re: Nelly
#118022 - 11/02/04 08:59 AM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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Shhhh! World doesn't need another smart chick. 
I think you've got a knack of hitting it on the head, D. I'd gladly invite you to my ultimate IBS dinner table!!
~nelly~
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Re: Nelly
#118051 - 11/02/04 10:32 AM
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daliatree
Reged: 07/10/04
Posts: 1176
Loc: Manhattan, New York
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Ta very much as we say in London (thank you!). but I should think of something more new york to say now that I am living here!
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Feel the fear and do it anyway!
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