Friendship Q oh wise ones!
#112897 - 10/14/04 06:24 AM
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daliatree
Reged: 07/10/04
Posts: 1176
Loc: Manhattan, New York
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hello ladies
if you had been friends with someone for seven years who had a very needy, insecure, anxious, negative character and had made a suicide attempt at 17 (and is now 25) and STILL hasn't been to therapy even though the anxiety exists at almost of every turn, with little decisions and big decisions. And you were always honest with this friend, being there for her but reinforcing that you cannot take a professionals role and that her problems will return no matter what until she deals with them. Finally, after seven years and a terrible summer of IBS where you couldn't be there for her as much, you lose it with all her little worries etc and send her a long letter telling her about why you feel the friendship has changed and she needs to see someone.
She is furious and says you are so patronising and demonising her etc....she has shown the letter to new friends and they are all SHOCKED at what I said about her character.
Have any of you had a friendship like this?
I must say I feel mainly at peace. I didn't want to hurt her but I had to be honest or I couldn't respect myself and she needs to hear the truth about how she effects people. Those new friends are still seeing her fun side before she find the one she will lean on and then boom...lots of pressure. I do care for her...we had some good times....but she told a mutual friend after I sent this email that all I did this summer was moan about my stomach...hahahahaha what a joke....she had food poisoning for one day and was so miserable!!! anyway....wondering if anyone had similar experiences...I am sad she found me patronising because it wasn't my intention, but I feel like any way I would have written it would have been perceived as patronising....
I just got frustrated because in all the seven years I have known her she has remained the same.....and I feel like I am moving forward and she is still in the same place...
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Feel the fear and do it anyway!
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Oh dear. This is why I never write letters. Your friend needs to grow up. Poisonous people have no place in an IBS-re's life!!! You simply can't be taking on an additional burden from some chick who won't help herself. Cut her loose!!!!!
And it makes me mad too, going behind your back. What a drama queen. All attitude, no personality. What a boorish loser 6 year-old she is, airing her and your private business. She's a drain, and doesn't know a good friend. Not Your Problem!!!!!
I have these people in the periphery of my life too. Their pathetic attitudes make me roll my eyes!!!
~nelly~
P.S. (PRINT THIS OUT! Heh heh heh.)
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Nelly you are gorge!! (shortened version of gorgeous!!!)...I have had a nasty night of an attack, feel all woozy and post attacky drained and your email put such a grin on my face!!! You got her in one!!! hahahahaha...can I be your friend?
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Feel the fear and do it anyway!
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I had a friend like this for a number of years. The difference was, she actually took my advice and saw a therapist. I had to go with her though  . The therapist actually told her that the advice that I had been giving her was good. She argued with him the entire time, and never went back. Truth is, no therapist would ever be right for her, because she would always find an arguement for what ever they would say.
I got lucky... she moved out of state, and I haven't heard from her since. 
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~ Rachel (IBS-C)
If life hands you lemons, make lemonade!!
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I agree that the friendship seems more toxic than happy and fun. Friends are supposed to help you feel great about yourslef - not drag you down or talk behind your back.
I would end the friendship in a civil manner. You don't need this kind of person in your life. 
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Dalia! I would be glad to be your friend. Sorry you had such a rough night. I'm sending you a comfy mental sofa with oversized pillows, some herbal tea (your choice), and a heating pad! What are friends for? 
~nelly~
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I hate those attacks that come from no apparent source...I am so well behaved with the diet etc!!! Can only think it is hormone changes from going off the pill 10 days ago.....
I love you all!!! Am going to take a walk now and get some fresh air before coming back to a bowl of white basmati, a beautiful sofa, ginger tea / yogi tummy ease tea, tv, and a well deserved nap...
thanks for all the friendship advice....XXXXX
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Feel the fear and do it anyway!
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I have a friend that can sometimes be self centered.
Tell me, what all have you told this friend about your ibs?
I ask because I have a hard time getting family that is really careing to understand it much less a friend that's never been around cronically ill individuals.
Here is 2 links I printed up to give this friend.
let me know how informitive it is. and if there's anything else/better/more I can use. all i've really told him is I have 10-12 bms a day and can only go to places with good restrooms etc.
http://www.aboutibs.org/perspective.html
http://www.aboutibs.org/Publications/clinicalIssues.html
thanks.
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Life is but a memory on the breath of a dying man.
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Here is a link to an article called "IBS explained for people who don't have IBS": www.ibsgroup.org It might be helpful for your friend to understand your situation better.
I found that article through a link on a website called IBS Tales which also has lots of firsthand accounts: www.ibstales.com
Hope this helps!
Josephine
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those links are very interesting.
i have told my friend (or ex friend) about my ibs....she seemed to be empathetic, but i have since been told that she told another mutual friend that she 'listened to me bleet (uk english term for moaning) on about my stomach for 3 months'....now she is just a cow and i have not interest in her...to say something like that when i was so ill the whole summer and still made an effort to support her....
what goes around comes around...
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Feel the fear and do it anyway!
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