Friendship Q oh wise ones!
#112897 - 10/14/04 06:24 AM
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daliatree
Reged: 07/10/04
Posts: 1176
Loc: Manhattan, New York
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hello ladies
if you had been friends with someone for seven years who had a very needy, insecure, anxious, negative character and had made a suicide attempt at 17 (and is now 25) and STILL hasn't been to therapy even though the anxiety exists at almost of every turn, with little decisions and big decisions. And you were always honest with this friend, being there for her but reinforcing that you cannot take a professionals role and that her problems will return no matter what until she deals with them. Finally, after seven years and a terrible summer of IBS where you couldn't be there for her as much, you lose it with all her little worries etc and send her a long letter telling her about why you feel the friendship has changed and she needs to see someone.
She is furious and says you are so patronising and demonising her etc....she has shown the letter to new friends and they are all SHOCKED at what I said about her character.
Have any of you had a friendship like this?
I must say I feel mainly at peace. I didn't want to hurt her but I had to be honest or I couldn't respect myself and she needs to hear the truth about how she effects people. Those new friends are still seeing her fun side before she find the one she will lean on and then boom...lots of pressure. I do care for her...we had some good times....but she told a mutual friend after I sent this email that all I did this summer was moan about my stomach...hahahahaha what a joke....she had food poisoning for one day and was so miserable!!! anyway....wondering if anyone had similar experiences...I am sad she found me patronising because it wasn't my intention, but I feel like any way I would have written it would have been perceived as patronising....
I just got frustrated because in all the seven years I have known her she has remained the same.....and I feel like I am moving forward and she is still in the same place...
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Feel the fear and do it anyway!
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Oh dear. This is why I never write letters. Your friend needs to grow up. Poisonous people have no place in an IBS-re's life!!! You simply can't be taking on an additional burden from some chick who won't help herself. Cut her loose!!!!!
And it makes me mad too, going behind your back. What a drama queen. All attitude, no personality. What a boorish loser 6 year-old she is, airing her and your private business. She's a drain, and doesn't know a good friend. Not Your Problem!!!!!
I have these people in the periphery of my life too. Their pathetic attitudes make me roll my eyes!!!
~nelly~
P.S. (PRINT THIS OUT! Heh heh heh.)
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Nelly you are gorge!! (shortened version of gorgeous!!!)...I have had a nasty night of an attack, feel all woozy and post attacky drained and your email put such a grin on my face!!! You got her in one!!! hahahahaha...can I be your friend?
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Feel the fear and do it anyway!
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I had a friend like this for a number of years. The difference was, she actually took my advice and saw a therapist. I had to go with her though  . The therapist actually told her that the advice that I had been giving her was good. She argued with him the entire time, and never went back. Truth is, no therapist would ever be right for her, because she would always find an arguement for what ever they would say.
I got lucky... she moved out of state, and I haven't heard from her since. 
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~ Rachel (IBS-C)
If life hands you lemons, make lemonade!!
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I agree that the friendship seems more toxic than happy and fun. Friends are supposed to help you feel great about yourslef - not drag you down or talk behind your back.
I would end the friendship in a civil manner. You don't need this kind of person in your life. 
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Dalia! I would be glad to be your friend. Sorry you had such a rough night. I'm sending you a comfy mental sofa with oversized pillows, some herbal tea (your choice), and a heating pad! What are friends for? 
~nelly~
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I hate those attacks that come from no apparent source...I am so well behaved with the diet etc!!! Can only think it is hormone changes from going off the pill 10 days ago.....
I love you all!!! Am going to take a walk now and get some fresh air before coming back to a bowl of white basmati, a beautiful sofa, ginger tea / yogi tummy ease tea, tv, and a well deserved nap...
thanks for all the friendship advice....XXXXX
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Feel the fear and do it anyway!
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I have a friend that can sometimes be self centered.
Tell me, what all have you told this friend about your ibs?
I ask because I have a hard time getting family that is really careing to understand it much less a friend that's never been around cronically ill individuals.
Here is 2 links I printed up to give this friend.
let me know how informitive it is. and if there's anything else/better/more I can use. all i've really told him is I have 10-12 bms a day and can only go to places with good restrooms etc.
http://www.aboutibs.org/perspective.html
http://www.aboutibs.org/Publications/clinicalIssues.html
thanks.
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Life is but a memory on the breath of a dying man.
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Here is a link to an article called "IBS explained for people who don't have IBS": www.ibsgroup.org It might be helpful for your friend to understand your situation better.
I found that article through a link on a website called IBS Tales which also has lots of firsthand accounts: www.ibstales.com
Hope this helps!
Josephine
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those links are very interesting.
i have told my friend (or ex friend) about my ibs....she seemed to be empathetic, but i have since been told that she told another mutual friend that she 'listened to me bleet (uk english term for moaning) on about my stomach for 3 months'....now she is just a cow and i have not interest in her...to say something like that when i was so ill the whole summer and still made an effort to support her....
what goes around comes around...
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Feel the fear and do it anyway!
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Honesty!
#113439 - 10/16/04 05:53 PM
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Bevvy
Reged: 11/04/03
Posts: 5918
Loc: Northwest Washington State
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Ah yes -- honesty. Don't believe the hype!
People don't want to hear it. Even friends have a hard time with it. While your intentions may have been the best, obviously the results were not what you had hoped for. Yes, I understand perfectly how you feel. Been there.
I have SOOO got to learn to stop "shooting from the hip." It's gotten me into more trouble than I care to remember. I have to learn how to dodge the truth, because people do NOT want to hear it, protestations to the contrary nothwithstanding. (Whatever that means.)
Hopefully your friend will heed your advice (but I doubt it). Some people just want to complain; it's cathartic for them. They don't want an honest answer to their problem. It's just so much easier to say what you know they want to hear.
I'm sorry you lost a friend. That's always tough. But if she's a TRUE friend, she'll realize your intentions were good, and you'll hear from her again.
Bev
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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Sorry about that. It sounds like a case of you deserving better friends. Unfortunately there aren't many out there. I had a very similar experience with my sister this summer and it ruined my tummy for awhile. I told her what I thought and she freaked out. We got over it but I see her for who she is now. I haven't decided if it made me feel better to be honest but I know for sure it did no good! She didn't listen and has only worsened her life considerably. So good riddance I guess to the idiots that weigh us down. It is hard to lose friends but sometimes they are much more trouble than they are worth aren't they? People grow and change and so I would let it go, learn from it and look out for someone more caring. That is just my opinion.
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IBS-A for 20 years with terrible bloating and gas. On the diet since April 2004. Remember this from Heather's information pages:
"You absolutely must eat insoluble fiber foods, and as much as safely possible, but within the IBS dietary guidelines. Treat insoluble fiber foods with suitable caution, and you'll be able to enjoy a wide variety of them, in very healthy quantities, without problem." Please eat IF foods!
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I think what you did is very brave. It's important for you to put yourself first. Try to put her reaction out of your head and then keep busy with positive people who make you feel good.
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Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
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P.S. I think it was in very poor form for her to share your letter with people. That letter is between you and her and is none of their business.
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Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
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That is such a sweet thing to say and I appreciate it so much. What I told her was definetly with love. I am sad she couldn't take it...I am lucky I have so many more incredible friends. Thank you.
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Feel the fear and do it anyway!
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Re: Honesty!
#113454 - 10/16/04 06:17 PM
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amo616
Reged: 08/16/04
Posts: 236
Loc: Ontario, Canada
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I am not a big fan of honesty either in situations like this because when I have done so it has always blown up in my face -- although I really admire her bravery. My way of handling these situations is the chicken way out -- I would just stop calling, always be busy, not be the warm fuzzy shoulder that she is looking for.
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Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
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I really agree with you there. What really accentuates her issues is that she didn't share it with people who are old friends who AGREE with my feelings about her but don't have the energy to approach her about it....she showed it to people who have only known her for three months (she just moved country) and who don't see the real her...only the bubbly persona she puts on. THEY never held her for hours when she wanted to end it all.....but they will.
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Feel the fear and do it anyway!
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Even though this has blown up in my face...I don't regret my decision. I have chosen the 'not calling' way out before and gone to sleep or looked in the mirror feeling like a fake person. (NOT that I am saying you're fake at all by choosing that approach!)..my point is, I wanted to feel good about myself, I wanted to feel genuine....I have friends I have been honest with and it has only benefited the friendship...this was never a real friendship, it was about her draining me and leaning on me....
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Feel the fear and do it anyway!
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Re: Honesty!
#113514 - 10/17/04 06:34 AM
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amo616
Reged: 08/16/04
Posts: 236
Loc: Ontario, Canada
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I agree with you totally. Your way is probably healthier in the long wrong. Being a naturally non confrontational person I tend to take the path of least resistance.
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Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Sounds like quite a number of people I've encountered as a "veteran of the mental health system."
Doing things the "12-step way" (was quite active in Emotions Anonmymous for awhile) I can only share personal experience...
There was a "book flavor of the month" written a number of years ago titled "Toxic People." The main advice that I took from it was when it was time to "unplug." This women seems to have serious psychiatric symptoms... And, I found that when my "fellow residents" at the board and care were not taking their meds, they had rather sociopathic tendencies...
Therefore, it was best to unplug. Stress is a major catalyst for IBS & you are not doing yourself a healthy turn (physically and psychologically) by subjecting yourself to this kind of behavior. There's an expression that goes "leave it to the professionals." -sounds like at times like this my "so called friendships" were just high-stress enabling relationships.
Now, who really need this in their lives?
-just my opinion from personal experience.
Take care, Bob.
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Life is transitory, love is not!
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hey there
thank you! can you recommend a book on this subject...toxic people...etc...i am interested in reading more about it....
thanks so much for your advice
dalia XXX
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Feel the fear and do it anyway!
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-sorry it took a while to reply.
The author is Lillian Glass, and I believe the title was "Toxic People." A dear lady-friend bought a copy for me. And, not to be totally pessimistic, the author wrote a book with a title the goes something similar to: "How to Attract Terrific People."
Some of the book (the former) smacks of having a "superiority attitude" towards people. But, most of it is quite enlightening and useful.
Bob.
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Life is transitory, love is not!
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