It finally happened - the human meltdown!
#90242 - 07/15/04 05:59 AM
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CathUK
Reged: 05/25/04
Posts: 373
Loc: Cambridge, UK
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Well I have now been officially diagnosed with depression and have been signed off work for a month, but am not expected to come back for two or three. I don't know if it is a relief to finally admit there's something wrong as I have been getting this way for so so long and denying it to myself. I made the mistake of having an unhappy (due to medical reasons, no-ones fault) childhood/teenage years and then last year became really happy and secure with myself. Obviously my body couldn't handle that and decided to become a scared kid again!
Part of me thinks, what are you being so melodramatic about, you're not really ill – you don't look ill. But part of me thinks it is not normal to feel sick for a year, not sleep for five nights in a run because of panic attacks, be afraid to go into crowded places, crying over the phone to my mum … arrggh.
I'm so fed up of this – but determined to beat it as everything else in my life is going so well. I've got a great therapist, the antidepressants should kick in soon and I took a sleeping pill last night so I feel at least vaguely human again.
I suppose now I have to stop trying to go to work that removes a lot of the stress – and I will just have to start going out and having fun for the first time in a long time. In a way life seems brighter because I know there is nothing physically wrong with me that makes me weak, the dizziness is in my head, therefore I can do things like walk up a mountain and I won't collapse. Anyway, on a more gentle note, I'm going to start my new tapestry now. I've never sewed before in my life, but I thought it would be a good way to keep myself occupied. Plus it should look great when it's finished. I might even investigate doing a gardening course in a month or so …. hhmm, there's so many possibilities.
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Oooh, a tapestry! We all expect to see pictures of your progress.  Just teasing. Creative hobbies like that are great stress relief, etc etc, and I love the feeling of accomplishment when you finish a project. (I embroider, knit, and crochet.) I think you're going into this time off with a good attitude: you have a lot of possibilities for using the time, and I think you're going to enjoy it enough to not want to go back to work at all. Heh.
But anyway... I don't know for sure that this is exactly appropriate, but I'm glad you got signed off work. Not having that stress in your life will really enable you to focus on healing... and you will beat the depression. You sound like you have a good team on your side. 
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:-)
Its a Lowry picture (don't know if you've heard of him in America - it's a bleak Northern English scene called the Arrest). It reminds me of home (because he was from Manchester, not because it shows a police station!). Actually it's really beautiful and will make a lovely cushion or something for my new house.
If you can hear swearing over there in America, then you'll know I have just stabbed myself with the needle for the hundreth time!
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Hi Cath,
How old are you? Because of my ridiculous condition, which everyone now knows about, I've had to take hormones all my life -- all kinds (pills, shots, patches, estrogen, progesterone, even testosterone) -- and they've done wild and crazy things to me. After my infamous surgery, I was thrown into a depression like I've never imagined, crying every morning in the shower for no reason, crying when anyone was kind to me, and even came real close to throwing myself down the stairs.
Prozac came to my rescue. Thankfully, I wasn't on it for long, and at the time I had a fabulous doctor who knew well enough to send me to U.C.S.F. Medical Center for more help than he could provide. Anyway, I finally got the hormones under control -- and thus the depression.
Any chance your problems could have anything whatsoever to do with hormones?
Listen, about that anxiety, I had a TERRIBLE time with it because of this damn IBS thing, until I discovered the hypnotherapy program here. Michael totally rid me of my anxiety; I am so grateful. Check out the link to your left and the message board above; you'll find my success story, as well as many others.
About that gardening class -- GOFERIT! I LOVE classes, any kind of classes, because you have so much fun sharing mutual interests with others. My fave class was stained glass, which got me involved in the hobby BIG time! I didn't care for quilting class, but that's just me. Pottery ROCKS. I've never heard of a tapestry class -- did I understand you're taking a class, or just doing it on your own? For someone who's never sewn before, that's really brave of you! I took needlepoint and cross-stitch classes and really enjoyed the needlepoint, which I do a lot now.
I hope you enjoy your sebbatical; we all need them from time to time.
Bev
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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...I know those all too well.
Thankfully, I'm pretty safe with a blunt tapestry (embroidery) needle. Put me behind a sewing machine, and that's a different story altogether. First of all, you'd never know that I'd been using one of the cussed machines since I was 15... I still sew like a complete novice, with crooked seams and everything. I don't think I've ever actually finished a sewing project!
The last time I tried to make something, I was making a bodice for a Renaissance costume - like a corset, but it laced up both sides. I was poking holes for the lacing using a pair of sharp embroidery scissors, but it still required quite a bit of force - I was poking through 4 layers of fabric at a time. Well, wouldn't you know it, I gave the scissors a good push, and they popped through... and into my finger. I ended up gouging my middle finger from fingertip to palm, quite deep. You better believe I swore, and I quit *that* project immediately. (Like I was going to be able to sew with my right hand bandaged anyway! LOL!)
I'll stick to crochet, thanks. I've never heard of anyone getting injured on a crochet hook. 
The piece you're working on sounds interesting! I've never heard of Lowry, but now I'm going to go look him up.
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Hi Cath,
Sorry you have been having such a rough time. I really think things will be getting a lot better for you. Hopefully the meds will help and I bet you will be feeling great in no time. Just keep up the positive attitude.
Barbie
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Just wanted you to know that Prozac practically saved my sister's life. Several years ago she was going downhill fast suffering from severe depression. She started taking Prozac and within a few days her whole outlook changed and she eventually became the happy person she used to be. Thank goodness for good drugs that help us. I hate to see anyone suffer when there are so many things out there that can help.
I agree with you that hormones play a big part in IBS. Look at all the gals that post how bad things get around the time of their period. And I think menopause was the beginning of my IBS. Darn those hormones!
I've got to get off this computer and go do some errands.
Barbie
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Re: Bevrs
#90294 - 07/15/04 07:57 AM
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CathUK
Reged: 05/25/04
Posts: 373
Loc: Cambridge, UK
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Hi,
I'm 27. Hormonewise I think my medication is fine now. As my pituitary gland didn't grow properly when I was little, I have to take tablets to stimulate the adrenal and thyroid glands and take the pill. I have also just started injections of growth hormone, which has helped me get my bone density back up in the past and should stop health problems when I get older. I know what you mean about how they control you - because of incorrect medication for years I used to have terrible headaches, no appetite or thirst, constant dizzyness, tiredness and panic attacks.
Unfortunately this means I don't trust my body at all. I think starting the growth hormone three weeks ago lead to this breakdown, as I had extremely negative experiences of having painful injections and tests because of it throughout most of my childhood - and of course I have to have loads more tests now, which isn't helping. However, at the end of the day it had to be done, and I would have been about three foot tall if I hadn't taking it - so I am very very lucky really.
This feels different though. By accepting it is all in my head, stopping hiding behind hormones and IBS so I don't have to do things and realising that I am perfectly healthy I can at least start to regain control over my body. All the tests have come back fine and I am fit and healthy. For some reason outdoor exercise seems to help me the most, along with simple breathing techniques to reduce the panic.
Thanks for your concern - I have done the tapes and they help me to relax, but now I think I need to sort out some of these other issues.
I think AngelRoses is right though - I plan to have such a good time I won't want to go back to work!!
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Hi,
Lowry's probably an aquired taste, as he specialised in bleak Northern industrial scenes. They remind me a bit of the mill town that my Dad grew up in. Personally I find I'm too sarcastic a person to like flowers or disney - so it's perfect for me!! Although I might design a Harry Potter cushion for my friends little nephew as my next project!!
I used to crochet when I was little - but all I can remember is that I made rather a lot of wonky scarves for my teddy bears!!
Sorry, I seem to have gone exclamation mark crazy on this post - so here's a few more!!!!!
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Re: Lowry
#90298 - 07/15/04 08:12 AM
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CathUK
Reged: 05/25/04
Posts: 373
Loc: Cambridge, UK
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Here's a link to the tapestry I'm working on. Not sure if you'll all like it, but I think it will look great with a black back on it. Maybe you have to be Northern to appreciate it! It also looks better in real life!
http://www.sewandso.co.uk/cgi-bin/find/db.cgi?db=zoom&do=search_results&Prod_Code=12157&ww=1
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