It finally happened - the human meltdown!
#90242 - 07/15/04 05:59 AM
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CathUK
Reged: 05/25/04
Posts: 373
Loc: Cambridge, UK
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Well I have now been officially diagnosed with depression and have been signed off work for a month, but am not expected to come back for two or three. I don't know if it is a relief to finally admit there's something wrong as I have been getting this way for so so long and denying it to myself. I made the mistake of having an unhappy (due to medical reasons, no-ones fault) childhood/teenage years and then last year became really happy and secure with myself. Obviously my body couldn't handle that and decided to become a scared kid again!
Part of me thinks, what are you being so melodramatic about, you're not really ill – you don't look ill. But part of me thinks it is not normal to feel sick for a year, not sleep for five nights in a run because of panic attacks, be afraid to go into crowded places, crying over the phone to my mum … arrggh.
I'm so fed up of this – but determined to beat it as everything else in my life is going so well. I've got a great therapist, the antidepressants should kick in soon and I took a sleeping pill last night so I feel at least vaguely human again.
I suppose now I have to stop trying to go to work that removes a lot of the stress – and I will just have to start going out and having fun for the first time in a long time. In a way life seems brighter because I know there is nothing physically wrong with me that makes me weak, the dizziness is in my head, therefore I can do things like walk up a mountain and I won't collapse. Anyway, on a more gentle note, I'm going to start my new tapestry now. I've never sewed before in my life, but I thought it would be a good way to keep myself occupied. Plus it should look great when it's finished. I might even investigate doing a gardening course in a month or so …. hhmm, there's so many possibilities.
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Oooh, a tapestry! We all expect to see pictures of your progress.  Just teasing. Creative hobbies like that are great stress relief, etc etc, and I love the feeling of accomplishment when you finish a project. (I embroider, knit, and crochet.) I think you're going into this time off with a good attitude: you have a lot of possibilities for using the time, and I think you're going to enjoy it enough to not want to go back to work at all. Heh.
But anyway... I don't know for sure that this is exactly appropriate, but I'm glad you got signed off work. Not having that stress in your life will really enable you to focus on healing... and you will beat the depression. You sound like you have a good team on your side. 
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:-)
Its a Lowry picture (don't know if you've heard of him in America - it's a bleak Northern English scene called the Arrest). It reminds me of home (because he was from Manchester, not because it shows a police station!). Actually it's really beautiful and will make a lovely cushion or something for my new house.
If you can hear swearing over there in America, then you'll know I have just stabbed myself with the needle for the hundreth time!
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Hi Cath,
How old are you? Because of my ridiculous condition, which everyone now knows about, I've had to take hormones all my life -- all kinds (pills, shots, patches, estrogen, progesterone, even testosterone) -- and they've done wild and crazy things to me. After my infamous surgery, I was thrown into a depression like I've never imagined, crying every morning in the shower for no reason, crying when anyone was kind to me, and even came real close to throwing myself down the stairs.
Prozac came to my rescue. Thankfully, I wasn't on it for long, and at the time I had a fabulous doctor who knew well enough to send me to U.C.S.F. Medical Center for more help than he could provide. Anyway, I finally got the hormones under control -- and thus the depression.
Any chance your problems could have anything whatsoever to do with hormones?
Listen, about that anxiety, I had a TERRIBLE time with it because of this damn IBS thing, until I discovered the hypnotherapy program here. Michael totally rid me of my anxiety; I am so grateful. Check out the link to your left and the message board above; you'll find my success story, as well as many others.
About that gardening class -- GOFERIT! I LOVE classes, any kind of classes, because you have so much fun sharing mutual interests with others. My fave class was stained glass, which got me involved in the hobby BIG time! I didn't care for quilting class, but that's just me. Pottery ROCKS. I've never heard of a tapestry class -- did I understand you're taking a class, or just doing it on your own? For someone who's never sewn before, that's really brave of you! I took needlepoint and cross-stitch classes and really enjoyed the needlepoint, which I do a lot now.
I hope you enjoy your sebbatical; we all need them from time to time.
Bev
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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...I know those all too well.
Thankfully, I'm pretty safe with a blunt tapestry (embroidery) needle. Put me behind a sewing machine, and that's a different story altogether. First of all, you'd never know that I'd been using one of the cussed machines since I was 15... I still sew like a complete novice, with crooked seams and everything. I don't think I've ever actually finished a sewing project!
The last time I tried to make something, I was making a bodice for a Renaissance costume - like a corset, but it laced up both sides. I was poking holes for the lacing using a pair of sharp embroidery scissors, but it still required quite a bit of force - I was poking through 4 layers of fabric at a time. Well, wouldn't you know it, I gave the scissors a good push, and they popped through... and into my finger. I ended up gouging my middle finger from fingertip to palm, quite deep. You better believe I swore, and I quit *that* project immediately. (Like I was going to be able to sew with my right hand bandaged anyway! LOL!)
I'll stick to crochet, thanks. I've never heard of anyone getting injured on a crochet hook. 
The piece you're working on sounds interesting! I've never heard of Lowry, but now I'm going to go look him up.
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Hi Cath,
Sorry you have been having such a rough time. I really think things will be getting a lot better for you. Hopefully the meds will help and I bet you will be feeling great in no time. Just keep up the positive attitude.
Barbie
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Just wanted you to know that Prozac practically saved my sister's life. Several years ago she was going downhill fast suffering from severe depression. She started taking Prozac and within a few days her whole outlook changed and she eventually became the happy person she used to be. Thank goodness for good drugs that help us. I hate to see anyone suffer when there are so many things out there that can help.
I agree with you that hormones play a big part in IBS. Look at all the gals that post how bad things get around the time of their period. And I think menopause was the beginning of my IBS. Darn those hormones!
I've got to get off this computer and go do some errands.
Barbie
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Re: Bevrs
#90294 - 07/15/04 07:57 AM
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CathUK
Reged: 05/25/04
Posts: 373
Loc: Cambridge, UK
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Hi,
I'm 27. Hormonewise I think my medication is fine now. As my pituitary gland didn't grow properly when I was little, I have to take tablets to stimulate the adrenal and thyroid glands and take the pill. I have also just started injections of growth hormone, which has helped me get my bone density back up in the past and should stop health problems when I get older. I know what you mean about how they control you - because of incorrect medication for years I used to have terrible headaches, no appetite or thirst, constant dizzyness, tiredness and panic attacks.
Unfortunately this means I don't trust my body at all. I think starting the growth hormone three weeks ago lead to this breakdown, as I had extremely negative experiences of having painful injections and tests because of it throughout most of my childhood - and of course I have to have loads more tests now, which isn't helping. However, at the end of the day it had to be done, and I would have been about three foot tall if I hadn't taking it - so I am very very lucky really.
This feels different though. By accepting it is all in my head, stopping hiding behind hormones and IBS so I don't have to do things and realising that I am perfectly healthy I can at least start to regain control over my body. All the tests have come back fine and I am fit and healthy. For some reason outdoor exercise seems to help me the most, along with simple breathing techniques to reduce the panic.
Thanks for your concern - I have done the tapes and they help me to relax, but now I think I need to sort out some of these other issues.
I think AngelRoses is right though - I plan to have such a good time I won't want to go back to work!!
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Hi,
Lowry's probably an aquired taste, as he specialised in bleak Northern industrial scenes. They remind me a bit of the mill town that my Dad grew up in. Personally I find I'm too sarcastic a person to like flowers or disney - so it's perfect for me!! Although I might design a Harry Potter cushion for my friends little nephew as my next project!!
I used to crochet when I was little - but all I can remember is that I made rather a lot of wonky scarves for my teddy bears!!
Sorry, I seem to have gone exclamation mark crazy on this post - so here's a few more!!!!!
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Re: Lowry
#90298 - 07/15/04 08:12 AM
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CathUK
Reged: 05/25/04
Posts: 373
Loc: Cambridge, UK
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Here's a link to the tapestry I'm working on. Not sure if you'll all like it, but I think it will look great with a black back on it. Maybe you have to be Northern to appreciate it! It also looks better in real life!
http://www.sewandso.co.uk/cgi-bin/find/db.cgi?db=zoom&do=search_results&Prod_Code=12157&ww=1
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Re: Lowry
#90304 - 07/15/04 08:25 AM
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atomic rose
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 7013
Loc: Maine (IBS-A stable since July '05!)
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Actually, I like it! I'm not a flowers-and-teddy-bears kind of girl myself.  It's actually why I haven't done any cross-stitch in a long time... it's hard to find charts and kits that I like.
"The Organ Grinder" reminds me of downtown in my hometown. Uh oh, now you've got me exploring the site, hehe.
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I have struggled with the depression monster in my life too. From listening to what you are saying, you seem to have the right attitude about getting out and doing things that you may enjoy. Depression is hard to fight but you already have a great attitude!! And although you are not physically sick, understand that it is just as serious of a condition. It take the quailty of life out of you and that is NO FUN! I wish you the best! We are all happy to help and eager to hear how you are doing!!
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~Wookie
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Re: Lowry
#90339 - 07/15/04 09:14 AM
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CathUK
Reged: 05/25/04
Posts: 373
Loc: Cambridge, UK
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Glad you like it! I think it should be OK to do , as it hasn't got too many people in it!
I think this sewing could get addictive - the ones under Art and Design on the site are great if you skip past the first few pages to the good stuff.
My mother would be laughing like a loon if she could see this post - I hated this kind of thing when I was a teenager!
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Just wanted to share that I'm with you. I was just diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and depression about a year and a half ago. Then I got postpartum depression on top of that. Talk about meltdowns - I was one step away from being hospitalized. Take one day at a time, and remember it is a BIOLOGICAL illness - just like diabetes, cancer, etc. Treatment takes time, but you will feel better. It's hard to get a grip on depression - as you said. Cut yourself some slack and I love the idea of sewing. I've recently taken up quilting and I LOVE it!
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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Hey, Cath, here's a great big {{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} from your sistah in New York.
Yeah, I know all about those "change back" reactions from your body. And I know all about the scared kid inside, mine is named Little Laura! Oh, I use lots of exclamation points too!!!
Ignore the part of your brain that's telling you you're not really ill. You ARE physically ill. Clinical depression affects much more than just your mood. There are a whole spectrum of other physical symptoms that go with it. What fun, right??!!
I'm also off work due to fibromyalgia and it is SUCH a relief to be able to focus just on my health and getting better. I love your plans for long walks, doing needlepoint, and gardening. I ADORE GARDENING!! Which is ironic because I've lived right in Manhattan surrounded by cement for 20 some years now. But I have my little window box garden in the back and it gives me great joy.
Feel better, kiddo! And enjoy that tapestry!!
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Laura
Keep it simple!
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Thanks for all your help/advice/support etc. Just taken a sleeping tablet so my spelling might be a bit off ...but hopefully I will have a night of SLEEP.
I love gardening and we are moving in am month to our new house that has a hundred foot garden, greenhouse, four sheds, a patio, a side yard and a pond. The thought of pottering around that is quite nice.
Anyway, losing all coherence now. So goodnight all!
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Hi Cath,
So sorry to hear about your depression, but glad to, to know that you can now do something positive to get to grips with it. Depression is such a debilitating condition, so coddle yourself.
I think Bev (as usual) has given you great advice about the hypno tapes. Even if you are seeing a therapist, it could be worth your while redoing the IBS ones because they treat more than the IBS or just relax you. They help you come to terms with whatever emotional baggage you are carrying.
I also see a therapist, who is helping me sort out my problems stemming from an abusive childhood, but I believe Michael's tapes have complemented her treatment. (Rebecca, the therapist, does too.)
Any way, enough preaching - relax, be kind to yourself and get better!
Bev
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Quote:
I love gardening and we are moving in am month to our new house that has a hundred foot garden, greenhouse, four sheds, a patio, a side yard and a pond. The thought of pottering around that is quite nice.
That's it! I'm moving in! I am GREEN with jealousy!! How incredibly fabulous!! Quite nice, indeed!! My exclamation points need exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Laura
Keep it simple!
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:-)
Well there's plenty to do as it's a bit of a jungle at the moment - so if anyone is in the Ely area!!!
It also has a huge kitchen (bizarre for a small house) and a coal fire in the living room - so all of the things I have wanted as a kid are there! Shame it has been decorated by a mad man who went insane on the DIY and then left the house to fester for a decade - but give us ten more years and it will be gorgeous!!!
Plus I get to get two little kittens as soon as I move in (I hate not having pets when you rent). We want to get a brother and sister called Mango and Millie and I'm sure they will provide hours of entertainment and madness!
It's very scary moving so far from here when I feel like this - but it should be pretty amazing and much more settling when we do.
Must go and do more sewing now - ggrr I'm completely addicted already!
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