IBS and sex (or lack thereof)
#64977 - 04/26/04 10:45 PM
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fishnets
Reged: 10/09/03
Posts: 515
Loc: MA
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Anyone else have issues handling both IBS and a sex life? I just got into a fight AGAIN with my boyfriend about it. Like half(or more) of the time that he wants to have sex, my stomach hurts so I tell him no. But even though I tell him why, he still feels bad and thinks I really just don't like him  I feel bad cause he feels guilty to ask me now, since he knows my IBS bothers me, he just always assumes I'll say I can't. It's just frustrating, especially since the past month my IBS has been worse, so it's affecting things more. He's always a nice guy, but I feel like he just doesn't understand this...anyone else in the same position?
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IBS-C
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I've not been in your situation as I don't get too much pain with my ibs, but I get shocking nausea a lot. I find that if my nausea is bad but not choking sex actually helps distract me as long as it is loving and gentle and not too rampant!! :-)...however I can well imagine not being up for it on those occasions I get pain. I would suggest that on those days you feel ok, make your man feel wanted and sexy, you initiate the sex and then he will see that it has everything to do with your ibs and nothing to do with not desiring him. good luck!!!
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Feel the fear, and do it anyway
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fishnets,
YES! My fiance has heard it a million times about my stomach hurting too bad to have sex. He's been with me for over 3 years. He was with me when first started getting IBS symptoms. He is pretty used to me saying no because it kind of hurts me anyway, stomach pain or not.
I mean, the guys are just going to have to understand. My fiance sometimes thinks I just use it as an excuse to not have sex with him! He believes me most of the time, but other times he's more suspicious. How am I supposed to prove to him that it really DOES hurt??!
I understand your frustration, but your boyfriend is going to have to be more patient and understanding.
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Absolutely. Sometimes it is very painful to have sex..colon
is sore. I always have to be cleaned out before. Plus, being in pain most of the time doesn't make woman hot to trot. (ha,ha)
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When I'm cramped up, the last thing in the world I want is intercourse. Hubby understands completely, and never EVER gets upset. He knows what I go through with this.
Now, having said that, there are other ways to have sex without intercourse. Consider a shower together and just enjoying each other and pleasuring him under the water.
Certainly your boyfriend can understand what it would be like for him if he was sick with cramps; would he really want to have sex with you then? As one of the male newbies here on the boards said a few days ago, when he has a morning problem with cramps, he wouldn't even be moved by the most gorgeous super model!
Try the shower thing. It works.
Bev
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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normally when i am cramping he knows and just tries to take care of me....
but the second i feel better i POUNCE on that boy! i don't ever want him to think that it's because of him.
maybe what you should do is try and please him other ways....make a litte extra effort to maybe take a hot bath together (it makes your tummy feel better plus its damn sexy) or as Bev suggested non intercourse pleasuring etc etc
but on those days where you are just doubled over in pain he should be able to understand..... 
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I completely agree with Dalia - on the good days let him know he's wanted... I think that's a sure way to let him know that it's your body preventing you not your love... And as Bev suggested - sometimes on the bad days there may be ways to be intimate and feel close to each other - these ideas will help if you ever want to have kids and are pregnant! My husband is like Bev's - very understanding. 
Since I recently had a baby, I just want you guys to know that there may also be other reasons that you won't feel like having intercourse in the future  (morning sickness, joint pain from the baby's position, recovering from birth...and the list goes on) so it's a good idea to try to figure it out with your mate early on...
Ana
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How timely for this topic to come up. My hubby and I just had a huge fight over this just yesterday. And we don't ever fight, about anything, so this was shocking to me. He accused me of hating sex because I turn him down all the time...but let's just say that his timing is not the best. I don't know about ya'll but my IBS is worse at night and thats when he feels frisky - like at midnight or 2am or whatever.  We have two teenage girls and getting private time during the day is nearly impossible and in the middle of the night I'm tired and usually have a stomach ache. What to do? I know I need to try harder to find alone time with him, but the stress of dealing with my home-based business, a husband, two teenage girls, nosy mother and MIL, IBS, and MVPS has me worn out completely.
Shari
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ur definelty not along in this department...as u can see by all the replies. I too have the same problem and do what a lot of other people have suggested..make him feel wanted when u are feeling well! I am having some problems with my bf right now...nothing he is doing i think it is just me...feeling like crap, and also just growing up...we have been together for 7 years (since highschool) and i am feeling like i need to go out and be my own person...i have no idea..i am off the subject here lol...but anyways ur not alone!!!
christine
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I have this problem a lot. I do get a lot of PAIN and bloating from my IBS. When it drags on for long periods of time my poor hubby gets so frustrated. He is very understanding but....he's a guy (no offense intending to you guys on the board! )
I find that if he takes his time and gets my motor going first (movies, oral sex, etc) and we do "doggie style" so that it doesn't put any pressure on my tummy, that we BOTH feel better after!! If you can get yourself to relax enough and trust he won't hurt your tummy any more, a real good orgasm will actually make my tummy feel better! 
So maybe next time he wants to and your tummy isn't in the mood, so well ok, but heres what I need from you! 
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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My b-friend is pretty understanding. My stomach hardly ever hurts now that I'm on meds. But because of the meds, I'm not really in the mood to have sex. I'm taking another med to help with that. It looks like it's working. But I just started, so we'll see in the next few weeks. I would follow the advice already given about finding other pleasures like Bev & Michelle & other have suggested.
Maybe he should go with you to your next doctor's visit, so he can hear it from the doctor. That way he doesn't think it's just that you don't want to. Maybe he needs to be more informed on IBS. Anyways good luck!
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I know it is frustrating, but he is just going to have to understand and if he is the one, he will. Good luck! Don't feel bad, it's not your fault, he'll understand...
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Yeah, I guess I'll try to make more of an effort when I'm not in pain/uncomfortable. The problem is that he usually wants to in the evening, which is when the IBS bothers me the most. Perhaps I'll also try other times of the day, or to eat light dinners when he's over, maybe that will help too. Usually he's very understanding with things, but he just gets frustrated from lack of sex 
Chela- what meds are you taking to up your sex drive? I could use some of that, my sex drive is pretty low.
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IBS-C
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Cool advice! My HTB went through a stage getting very frustrated about this, but now he's come to terms with the fact that he can't just jump me - I need to be REALLY turned on. Plus, when I do feel better, I make sure I jump him, even if I'm a bit tired!
Can I suggest...
Stick on hot pads for use during sex (if you can cope with looking ridiculous! ) - you can get them from drugstores, they're usually for muscle cramps, period pain, etc.
KY Jelly to counteract all those drying meds!
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I'm currently on Lexapro for my IBC.
My doctor gave me Wellbutrin XL,which is another antidepressant. But I guess one of the side affects is an increase in libido. It works for some people and others it won't. I guess it takes about one month to see if it will work for you.
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awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww punkin,
sorry to hear that.
A couple thoughts.
One, you said he feels bad and thinks you don't like him. You both have to get your hands around the idea that this is perfectly totally normal response on the part of a guy. That's part of their charm and part of their curse too. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to convey to him that that is not so.
You say he "feels guilty to ask" and that's also perfectly normal classic guy response. Try this: show him how to maybe get there without asking. If he made you a warm bath and put fresh flowers and a couple candles in the bathroom and then took you to bed with a top-to-toe lavender lotion treatment and a nice cup of jasmine tea and a backrub, might you not invite him into bed for a backrub or something? Which may or may not turn into sex but could also be way fun?
You say he assumes you'll say you can't. Try surprising him when you do feel like it.
You feel like he doesn't understand. He doesn't. He can't. He's a guy. What you both have to do is meet in the middle now and then, or at the outer edges. Make sense?
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