IBS and my social life
#313115 - 08/13/07 11:31 AM
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IBS is a major problem for me and my social life. when i date girls we go out to eat a lot and there is always hidden dairy. if im not dating i dont care if i ingest a trace amount, but if i'm spending an evening with someone the bloat and gas is so unbearable that it ruins everything for me. i'm afraid to sleep next to someone if i'm going to need to fart all night. Also when i get bloated it puts pressure in my bladder so i need to pee every 5 minutes and this can interfere with other more intimate issues. is there any hope? thanks and sorry for being so graphic :-)
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Hi Mark,
sorry about this having such an effect on your social life, As an extremly sensitive to dairy person myself, my advice is to try dates that don't involve dinner, I did coffee houses for awhile, you know herbal tea, depending on where you live there are some vegan options, even starbucks has vegan stuff, the 8 grain role, and the molassis cookie(watch out for the high fat thing) and like a plauge, those shops are everywhere. Another option is japanese food, they are inclined to use less dairy, there are safe sushi options, and that can be a really fun date. try to suggest places that are safe, or eat at a restaurant your thinking of trying, a few days before the date, to check for hidden dairy. I was a waitress for years, and if you explain to most of them that you really need to know if there is any dairy involved in the dish, most will be cool about it. I was always willing to scamper back in the kitchen and ask questions when it was my job. good luck, and hopefully you can figure out something that works, Ibs doesn't have to interfere with your having a good time.
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ibc a but c predominent doing hypnotherapy and taking it one day at a time
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I totally hear you on this one Mark! It's really hard being a younger, single person with this condition. I, too, am afraid to go on dates because of the possibility of an attack. Alternative dates are a really good idea -- movies, coffee shops, I've even gone bowling once, lol. What I've found, is that honestly, if the person you are going on dates with is worthwhile for you to spend your time with, and with the possible opportunity to develop a relationship with, then they won't get all bent out of shape if you have to ask about certain things when you are eating out. Your health is important, and if you explain to the other person that you have some "insensitivies" to certain foods, most likely if they are a decent, caring individiual then they won't get upset or think you are weird. I'm not saying that you should explain IBS to someone you just met in graphic detail, but just giving them a heads up helps both you to ensure that you don't get anxious, and it lets them know that you can communicate well. In regards to the intimacy thing, that's a bridge that I'm still nervous about trying to cross myself...haven't found any tricks yet  Hopefully dating will get easier when I am more stable. So good luck!
Julie
IBS-D, GERD, lactose intolerant
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"We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it."
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You know-it's no easier for married people-do you really think that just because we are "tied together in holy matrimony", that our spouses want to be blown out of bed every night on the winds of IBS?
Really, seriously, I totally agree-it ruins every event in my life-I miss out on so much because I am forever fighting with this everywhere I go, dairy or no dairy. Fortunately, San Francisco is a windy city and so...
OK I'll stop now
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What about playing pool, go to a local park and watch the birds, see a play, have dates over to your house and cook for them so you know what is in your food, go to the beach, go to a farmers market, my FAVORITE is going to museums. My husband and I have had to get creative so we can go together and I can be comfortable. Most of these outings don't include much food. And what about gas-aide? Hope this helps.
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Crohns, lactose intolerant
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I hear everybody on here. I don't go on dates not because of the IBS, but because of the anxiety that IBS has brought upon me. I'm basically afraid of not being home. I have to go back to work this coming Monday after being off for 3 weeks and I'm completely stressing 'cause I'm going to have to go back on the subway again. I have friends that are always trying to fix me up on dates and I decline simply stating that I'm not into dating right now. I've missed out on my neice's 1st and 2nd birthday party, I'll be missing out on my nephew's 4th birthday party, and my other neice's 7th birthday party. Hell, with extreme effort, I've had to work up the nerve just to check my mail!
In addition to being an IT Specialist, I'm also a semipro pool player and I've stopped playing pool for a little over a year now because I simply can't concentrate and I just don't feel well. I was traveling a lot to different tournaments and the thought of hopping on a plane freaks me out.
I'm hoping that this "too shall pass" but I've been thinking that for over a year now. I think I need to start seeing a psychologist to deal with the agoraphobia that I think I've developed.
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Wendy IBS A thru Z
Taking it one day at a time...
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That's funny! I agree...married people have it just as bad sometimes. Lucky for me I have a wonderful husband who tends to "put up with my IBS issues". I'm not saying he likes it but he doesn't make me feel bad for having it.
I too have missed out on MANY, MANY things but I've just come to realization that everyone in my life that cares about me will understand. The ones who don't, then they aren't really my friends. I totally believe that if you tell people up front and don't hide it that you'd be surprised the reaction you get. Most people are sympathetic and believe it or not, I've had MANY people tell me that they too have IBS and I would have never known it!
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~~~Lisa~~~
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Quote:
I totally believe that if you tell people up front and don't hide it that you'd be surprised the reaction you get. Most people are sympathetic and believe it or not, I've had MANY people tell me that they too have IBS and I would have never known it!
Hey Lisa, I finally fessed up to my boss in the middle of July about what I had been going through for the past almost 2 years and she nor my coworkers could believe it 'cause I never look sick--in other words, I hid it well. It was then that they understood why this party animal wasn't scheduling outings, stopped playing pool, stopped going out to lunch, etc. Why I no longer dressed "hot" as they put it, no more makeup, no more trips to the hair or nail salon, no more vacations, etc. They were super sympathetic and understanding. They've seen me break down at my desk and then understood why I'd wear my sunglasses while I worked! I've since taken 3 weeks off (I go back on Monday the 20th) and last week I sent an email message to my boss to let her know what I've been doing, how I've been feeling, etc. I'd like to share with you guys her message to me:
Hey it's great to hear from you! I did get your message yesterday but didn't have a chance to respond. Things were quite crazy here yesterday. I didn't make it in until after 10:00am and Pat didn't get in until after 1PM. I then decided to leave early since there was still no E, F, or V service to Queens and I knew the express buses would be a mess! Anyway, I'm so glad you sent the note below. I've been thinking about you and wondering how you were doing. It sounds like you're making progress both physically and psychologically. As you point out, half the battle is dealing with this illness and I know that if anyone can do it, you can. You're a strong person, Wendy. During this past year you put all of your strength and energy into maintaining a happy front and making sure no one saw what was really going on with you. Now you can take that energy and redirect it into a positive, life-changing, force. Keep it going, girl. By the way, you are an excellent writer. Have you ever thought about writing as a second career? Seriously, I really think you should look into it.
Should I go ahead and pass this on to the guys here? Let me know.
Take care.
Doreen
Tomorrow they'll be receiving a basket of cookies from me thanking them for being so understanding.
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Wendy IBS A thru Z
Taking it one day at a time...
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Hey Mark I forgot to mention in my post that intimacy is no longer in my repertoire. I don't even have a libido anymore. Sex makes me feel sick afterwards and at times it gives me severe cramps in my pelvic area.
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Wendy IBS A thru Z
Taking it one day at a time...
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What a great boss/coworker!!!
I'm so glad you posted that. It shows others that we are right and telling everyone about our "issues" is half the battle. People really are sympathetic to it. I don't mind that people know I have it. I too try my hardest to not let it affect my job. I can honestly say that I called out sick maybe 4 times in 16 years for my IBS. With me, it helps me to work. Keeps my mind off of my IBS and if I'm having a bad flare up with it at work, I just keep trucking and not let it affect my job performance. I am fortunate though that I do have access to a potty whenever I need it. Plus I only live 6 miles from my work so I don't have to rely on a train or bus to get me there. At least if I'm driving myself to work, I am the one in control. Not sure how I'd be if I couldn't drive myself, but I'd imagine I'd mentally be able to make myself believe that things would be ok.
I too can't participate in some luncheons like chinese or icecream cake and everyone knows why. It makes it so much easier that they know 
Good luck going back to work  You certainly do sound like a strong woman and who knows, little by little, day by day, you will be able to get those manicures and wear those hot clothes again! It's not over for you!!!!
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~~~Lisa~~~
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Mark.. I am totally feelin you on this one. For I don't know how long I've skipped eating when I've known I'd have a date or when I was younger sleeping over a friends house. Now I have a girlfriend for about 5 months and it's hard to skip meals. She is constantly telling me to eat. I am petrified of getting gas when I am with her. Getting the big D is scary too, but atleast that comes and then it's gone. With me, gas and bloating lasts for hours. And.. there doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it! Everything seems to pump my intestines full of air, so not only am I extremely uncomfortable, I am afraid of not being able to hold it in during intimate moments or even just laying on the couch. She is completely supportive, but I just can't seem to get comfortable enough to fart around anyone. I've tried all of the gas medications known to man.. and nothing seems to help. I am now taking an antispasmatic but I am not having much luck with it. I take one and it does nothing, but if I take any more than one I am backed up for 3 days and then have horrrrrrible D. I just want to be closer to normal!! 
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Pud
Long Island
IBS-D & SIBO - main symptom GAS
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Hey Pud, if we ever meet, you can fart around me. I wouldn't mind. Hey, maybe we can even have a contest! 
Do you know that the only thing I knew about IBS before the thought of me ever having it was from Ben Stiller's character in Along Came Polly? Man, did he make it seem funny. I thought that it was just a reaction to eating spicy foods. Not!
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Wendy IBS A thru Z
Taking it one day at a time...
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I am reading all your posts and smiling ear to ear!!! I am SOOOOOOOOO right there with all of you. My family, (husband and 3 kids), think farting is one of the funniest things ever created! My friends are very supportive too. In the beginning, they all made sure to fart in front of me at least once so I wouldn't feel bad. They even wanted to have a burrito party! My best friend doesn't have IBS but her gassy episodes are worse than mine!
On the serious side though, my therapist and I have spoken about possible phobias that can develop because of this condition. I'm not dealing with that, but I am close to being so afraid to eat anything for fear of a painful attack. I am incredibly dedicated to the diet, but still have episodes. I haven't figured it out yet, but I am determined to hang in there.
I don't hesitate to share my condition with anyone, if it comes up. I have found that people are very compassionate once they understand what's going with me. That makes one aspect of IBS a little bit easier to deal with.
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Hey Gaia, can you do me a HUGE favor? Are you happy with your therapist? If so, can you ask he/she of any good therapists in Brooklyn, preferably in the Park Slope Area that he/she can recommend. In addition to the CDs, I think I need theerapy. Fast. (I've gotten to the point that I have to work up the nerve just to go and check my mail!) Thanks!
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Wendy IBS A thru Z
Taking it one day at a time...
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You got it, Wendy. I'll see her on Friday.
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Thanks babe! 
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Wendy IBS A thru Z
Taking it one day at a time...
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hey Mark, I absolutely understand how u feel. Im only 24 and im single. i dont want to date just because i cant drink and i cant eat in the restaurants. I know its hard to have a relationship but im sure there are people out there that will understand. To be honest, now i prefer to be single and sort myself out if I can. My worst fear is to sleep next to someone lol. Damn, wish I was 18 again. Everything was so much better when i was healthy. Well good luck Mark!!
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I'm also single and I feel your pain, although I believe if someone has a problem with my "symptoms" then they aren't worth my time. I have enought stress in my life - I don't need to add more. And I'm not going to quit dating.
Did you know there is a global dating website for people with IBS. I don't think many people have joined, but I really thought it was interesting. Wouldn't it be nice to find someone who totally understands?
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Hey there, Wendy. Unfortunately she doesn't know of anyone in your area. She can recommend someone in Nassau County, but I thought that still might be too far. However, I met w/a friend last night and she lives in Brooklyn. I asked her if she knew anyone and she said she will email the doctor's information! So, I will be in touch!
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Thanks so much Gaia for checking for me. One of my coworkers emailed me suggesting that I speak to his wife who is a nurse and helped someone that had similar problems who's GI Doc couldn't figure it out. Just another option for me and it goes to show you that when you speak up on a problem you may be having, there just may be someone out there who can help. I'll look forward to anything your friend may have. Thanks again!
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Wendy IBS A thru Z
Taking it one day at a time...
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