Holidays at Relatives Homes (long post)
#294200 - 12/20/06 08:15 AM
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I tried to post his a few days ago but my computer and I did not get it to the board.
We just returned from our "Family Christmas" party weekend out of town.
Like last year, I eneded up eating salad and a bite of dessert (brownies from a mix full of who knows what). I am IBS-D.
I did have a few edibles in the car which I periodically sneaked out to eat. I forgot to bring some of my favorite canned Salmon which I can eat. I bought another brand at a local store and my dogs will love the other 2 cans because they were too fishy.
Usually when I go to a restaurant I can quiz the manager/cook etc. and get an OK meal. How can I do that with a relative who is not savy?
"No I do not want her to open me a can of green beans" because she knows that for some reason I cannot eat green bean casserole. Excuse me but canned anything may be full of flavor enhancers and preservatives which set me off in minutes. (She is intelligent and thinks it is all in my head probably to get attention.)
I am also sensitive to lunch meats no matter how they say they are organic and msg free. Canned tuna also sets me off. I finally ate the whites of a couple boiled eggs in frustration to stop hurting her feelings.
It makes me want to stay at home.
Next year maybe we will stay in a hotel with a kitchenette that accepts pets and I will use my dogs as an excuse to not stay at their house. I'll eat in the hotel room and fill a plate and push the food around like a child............
I am frustrated and angry. I hate having to explain over and over that I have digestive issues and cannot eat normal food..HOW MANY WAYS DO I HAVE TO SAY IT??
I just started to see my therapist who I have a previous sucessful relationship with, but we did not start in time to cover this.
What does everyone else say and do at relatives homes??
G
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Call me insensitive and difficult, but I worry more about my health than the feelings of people who CHOOSE not to accomodate my very real health problems. Would they force sugar on a diabetic? Most people wouldn't dream of such a thing, but they'll try to force me to eat ham? I don't think so.
I'm fortunate that my family understands and accomodates. My boyfriend's family, not so much so. It's much better than it used to be, and I think some of that is because of what I did the one year: there was NOT ONE SINGLE THING that was safe, so I didn't eat. Not a bite. Not with all the prodding, pushing, begging. Not. A. Bite. His mother was understandably a little offended, and told me that I should "bring my own food from now on", but lo and behold, this past year's Thanksgiving was 95% IBS-safe.
Some people take a while to get it. Some people never get it. All you can really do is stand your ground and hope they understand eventually that it isn't a phase or an attention ploy. And if they don't... well... I guess there's always the hotel-with-kitchenette option. 
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Right-on!
#294212 - 12/20/06 09:28 AM
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Syl
Reged: 03/13/05
Posts: 5499
Loc: SK, CANADA
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I completely agree with Atomic Rose!
With friends and family I usually arrange to take a chicken breast with me and I prepare it myself. Usually there are some potatoes or rice that I can have with it -- if not I ask if I can make a small helping of rice to go with the chicken.
I find that people without IBS have a difficult time understanding my problems with food even if they have good intentions. I have learned to always be prepared for this situation.
Have a wonderful holiday season. 
--------------------
STABLE: ♂, IBS-D 50+ years - Science of IBS
The FODMAP Approach to Managing IBS Symptoms
Evidence-based Dietary Management of Functional GI Symptoms: The FODMAP Approach
FODMAP Chart & Cheatsheet
The Role of Food & Dietary Intervention in IBS
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Thanks for the support!!!!!!
I do not feel I should have to explain over and over.
Last year I did take a potato to bake, and "there was not room in the oven for it".
She baked me one in the microwave and it was cooked so well the inside was hard and totally dried up!!!
Tha was why this yr I did not bring something to cook.
I lost my welcome to use her kitchen in 2001. I had cooked for my MIL's 89th birthday at this SIL's home (for 20 ++ relatives with a menu that my MIL requested) after MIL moved there after a stroke.
The SIL was aghast at how messy a kitchen gets when you really cook everything from scratch. She would not let me & my daughter clean it up because she is so OCD about how to clean in her house.
She cooks everything with lids so nothing will spatter etc and I do not feel welcome to use her newly remodeled kitchen.....
I'd skip the visit entirely, but they are all the family my hubby has left since his Mom died in 2004. The SIL is the newly wed 8yrs in the family. And everyone thinks I am dominant........
I grew up with my Grandparents from aged 10 months, and they died in 1976 so my MIL adopted me. (She was my 2nd MIL and I loved her like a Mom).
We have 2nd BIL but they do their own thing--I can guess why and do not invite us just their 3 children and all their Grandchildren.
Before the stroke we had Christmas and Thanksgiving with our Mom from 1982-2001 with just fantastic joy. The other 2 sons lived away then. My MIL finally let me cook the turkey in 1999 when she was 87. Of course the last few yrs my daughter would spend the night and help her early in the am before the rest of us came over. I always made the gravy and veggies--once she tasted my cooking.
Now our children are spread across the world and have not come home for the holidays--also a few problems between steps sons and my daughter.
Thanks,
G
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I have been very fortunate to have understanding family members. The most difficulty I usually have with my husband's family is that they try TOO hard to accomodate me... always asking for a list of items they can buy, etc. I'd rather get it myself and know it's the right thing. My family took a little more adjustment because my dad has had IBS for YEARS but has never done what it takes to stabilize. He just doesn't care anymore that he has chronic D. He eats just well enough to not have horrible cramping, etc. Although he doesn't do it quite as much anymore, he still eats ham, drinks cokes, eats chocolate, etc. He doesn't eat fried foods, and he usually doesn't eat things that are swimming in butter, but that's about the extent of his dietary restrictions. When he has a bad attack, he just eats bread and potatoes for a couple of days.
I could not live that way.
When I started the EFI diet at the beginning of this year, my family thought I had gone a little crazy being so fanatical with this diet. I'm sure they thought I'd not be sticking to it very long. After seeing that I would not go out to eat with them when they picked an unsafe place, and I would always bring my own meal when they were cooking unsafe food, they began to realize that I was serious about it. Now they are much more accomodating and thoughtful about meal choices. They were never rude about it at all... they just didn't "get it" and didn't realize how important it was that I stay on track with my food choices since they'd seen Dad eating all kinds of unsafe things for years.
When eating at other people's homes, like friends who invite us over, I always say something like... please let me know what you will be serving so I can see if I need to bring something that's safe for me to eat... or... what dish can I bring?... or something like that, depending on the situation and my relationship with the person. If I were going somewhere where I couldn't easily ask these things ahead of time, I would just try to eat a healthy meal before going. Then I wouldn't mind that the food wasn't safe, and if they ask why I'm not eating, I'd just say I have a lot of dietary restrictions, so I ate before we came.
It never offends me when friends don't "get it", but it's a different story with family. I'm sorry yours isn't very considerate about your needs.
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