relationships
#292225 - 12/02/06 08:12 AM
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hi everyone,
i haven't been on the boards do to a very demanding job, but it seems to be winding down. the reason i'm writing is quite embarrassing to me, but i figure i've been so low lately and my confidence isn't necessarily high anyway.
i've been trying to meet other women and failing strictly because of the painful spasms i get. it's impossible to go out and enjoy a night with someone so normally, i don't even ask. i'm not a bad looking guy and i'm sure i would have no trouble finding a date, but i never could get IBS under control and its given me zero-confidence.
i'm looking to talk to some women my age range (i'm mid-twenties) who understands IBS. it gets extremely lonely and i'm quite tired of worrying about dealing with it if i meet another person.
i'm hoping if i talk to someone regularly who understands, maybe i'll develop a strong sense of self-confidence and gather the courage to meet someone around my area. i'm tired of it ruining my social life so i'm just wondering if any of you would like to help me out at all.
my email is aviruswithshoes@gmail.com if you'd like to chat.
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ouch, i must have said something bad... oh well. thanks for reading anyway!
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I don't know that you said anything bad....I'm personally not in your designated age range! 
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IBS-C with pain and bloat
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Hiya
Dont think its that you've upset anyone but everyone uses these boards as like a social community, here we can be as honest and sometimes frankly disgusting as we like  .
Most of us have partners or husbands who dont have IBS, I;ve recently just met someone and was really scared and embarassed about having to tell him all about my IBS and the anxiety issues it causes but he's been absoloutly fantasic about it all and if anything its bought us even closer together. What I'm trying to say is use these boards to talk to people in the same position but try to keep a social life going away from the boards, its easy to get consumed by the IBS and sometimes the normality of others is a welcome relief. Good luck with your search for Mrs right though. 
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LOL!
#292823 - 12/07/06 11:55 AM
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atomic rose
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 7013
Loc: Maine (IBS-A stable since July '05!)
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I don't think you've said anything bad. In addition to being out of your age range , I've had IBS since I was 12 - which means, I've lived my entire adult life so far with it, and that includes 2 marriages, a couple serious relationships, and a whole lot of Mr. Wrongs. LOL! I just don't give my IBS much thought at all, and although I've gone through time periods where I've been INCREDIBLY sick, I don't think it's ever affected my success rate with men, because I've never let it. (Priorities - hah!)
Anyway, all joking aside, I didn't reply at first because I'm a no-nonsense, just-do-it-and-don't-let-sh*t-bother-you kind of woman, so I didn't think I'd be very helpful in terms of confidence-boosting and things like that. But if you ever want to hit me up for sisterly advice despite that - hey, you're the same age as my little brothers, hee hee - my email is crankybat at yahoo dot com.
My best advice really IS to "just do it", though. People always think that any flaw in themselves is dating death, when in reality it isn't as big of a factor as you'd think it is. Mind over matter, m'dear. Good luck. 
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I know it's a subject that's difficult to just come out and be honest with, but really it does work. I have yet to meet a guy who thinks my IBS is 'disgusting' or thinks I'm wierd. I talk to my friends about my issues with food all the time and they've all been supportive. Even some people will go out of their way if they know I'm coming for dinner, to make sure there's something I can eat too.
My boyfriend knew about my IBS before we even started dating. For our first date I even said no to going to dinner, instead changing plans a bit to do something else. None of it mattered. So for dating, with friends etc, I think as long as you get comfortable with it, everyone else will too.
I don't think I'd be very comfortable with someone who had IBS. I know that sounds dumb, that I should be understanding, but if someone close to me had as much anxiety around food as I did, it would probably make me worse. I feel better when those close to me know my condition, are supportive, and are there to calm me down around suppers/restaurants/stressful events.
That said, I think you would find it really suprising how open and supportive other people can be about something like IBS. Maybe start by talking to your friends about it, and get comfortable with that. That should help you get more comfortable with dates and relationships.
I hope that helps somewhat,
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Kat
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Advance, I can only tell you something that I observed recently. My hubby has a co-worker that has IBS and I had never met him before the staff Christmas party. Well I met him and let me tell you I kind of expected someone like me, uptight, obsessive, anxiety ridden over food, but he was not. He was fun and a great guy. I actually said something to him about dating and he told me that he had to find other ways of dating rather than going out to eat. He also said that he is always upfront to everyone about his IBS - the guys at work kid him since he will eat out only at three restaurants in our town - and then has to relax. I know easier said than done but getting uptight only makes it worse.
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In my twenties I met my husband and my IBS was more mild then. Sometimes he jokes around and says he wouldn't have married me if he knew I had all these bathroom problems...totally joking. You kind of need to laugh at the ridiculousness of this syndrome sometimes (never mind the accidents and close calls that I've had...they are torture at the time but I can usually laugh through the embarrassment later with someone close).
But seriously, I give you a lot of credit being a guy your age and wanting to meet someone when IBS can really be so debilitating. First I would suggest getting your anxiety about it under control (through meds or hypno) so you'll be less worried about it. Then I would just tell whomoever you meet that you have some food allergies and leave it at that at first. No need to divulge the less than pretty details on a first date.
Like K2, I might try going somewhere other than dinner when you meet someone...this is good for you as a guy b/c if you are traditional, you will do the asking and have some control over where/when you want to go out. Eventually you'll want to take someone to dinner, so I'd advise finding a restaurant that you have frequented a few times with a friend/family member and know in advance what is safe on the menu. If you know for example that you can take a girl there, order fish with rice, offer her a dessert and take one bite with no adverse affects, you'll be able to focus on the date, rather than your IBS.
Yes, ultimately I agree with everyone that you should be honest and just explain the IBS, but realistically, I do think that it's not so easy to do when you are trying to put yourself out there in the dating field in a society that doesn't quite understand IBS. So get creative until you really know that you like someone and want to divulge it all. Just my opinion. Good luck.
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Originally IBS-D for a million years!
Then IBS-A, Now a transformed slightly C
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