This is so hard
#197289 - 07/19/05 11:05 AM
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crew
Reged: 06/24/05
Posts: 170
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I have been living with my boyfriend for about 11 months now, but I just recently started Heather's diet. I am too embarrassed to tell him that I have IBS-C ... I have NEVER pooped at home. Now that I am on Heather's diet, obviously, there are a lot of foods now that I can't have. I have been able to cover up my true reasoning for this diet for about 2 weeks now, but its getting harder. I used to be a vegan, so I have just been telling him that I started up a modified vegan diet (hahah that whole concept is ridiculous b/c I still eat white meat). But, he is now starting to ask me questions about why I wanted to start this again, or why I can't have a piece of vegan cake even though there are no animal by-products in it (there was HFCS). Aaaghh, I don't know what to do. I can't keep this up for much longer. We have always eaten the same thing for dinner, and he likes that. Hahah he gets bummed out when we don't eat the same thing for dinner. But anyway, has anyone else been through this? How did you handle it, and what was your partner's response. We are both 19, so this sort of thing isn't as "normal" to us ... you don't usually hear about a teenager with IBS, and if they do have it, they either don't know it, or don't talk about it. 
IBS-Chelsea
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I've always been straight-up about my digestive disorders. I developed IBS when I was 12 or so, and so it's always been a part of my dating life. Believe it or not, my standard approach has been, on Date #2, to say, "I have stomach/intestinal problems and there's a lot of things I can't eat." Reactions have ranged from, "ok, that's cool, whatever," (acceptance) to "hey, tell me more!" (actual interest).
I jokingly call it my a**hole filter, because if someone can't deal with a few pooping problems, then they're not worth my time... but really, I don't think I've ever had a bad reaction from someone I've dated.
My current BF and I have lived together for 2 years. He knew I had IBS when I moved in. We're wicked immature anyway - haha - but it's not unusual for us to discuss poop at the dinner table or crack fart jokes all the time. LOL!
Nobody stays healthy forever. I'd be willing to bet he'll be very understanding about the whole thing. You don't have to get super-specific and go into a lot of detail, but if you're living together, you *can't* hide it forever!
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Being honest with your bf about something as serious as IBS should NOT be hard!
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God is Faithful!
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What's the big deal? If you were diabetic you would have told him. If you can't discuss this with him, he's not worth the time and trouble.
I am one of the "old farts" over the age of 40 (and 50), but there are a lot of college kids that I am sure will respond to you. Hang in there.
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Carol
nós somos o que nós somos e o descanso é merda
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Hi, Chelsea. I was 19 when I started seeing my current bf and we've been together now for nine years. I was first diagnosed with IBS-D when I was 17 or 18--my senior year of high school--so I understand how it can be embarrassing or difficult to explain to someone your age what IBS is. I was really embarrassed too, and I also said I was "trying vegetarianism" or said "I have the stomach flu," but in the long run by not being honest about my IBS I just felt isolated and more stressed!
Although I never discussed it with friends and family until a few years ago (and I'm so glad I did because they've been very supportive and helpful), I did tell my bf early on in the relationship because it seemed important that he know. We moved in together about two years after going out. You don't have to go into details, but I think since you're living with him and it sounds like you're in a serious relationship that "honesty is the best policy." I don't remember the details but I just explained to my bf that IBS is a functional bowel disorder that causes severe pain and makes me have to go to the bathroom a lot (I couldn't bring myself to say "I get bad diarrhea"); I also told him what I could and couldn't eat. Obviously, with IBS-D, it wasn't really something I could hide (running to the bathroom in the morning, after meals, buying Imodium on a regular basis, etc.).
Now that I've found Heather's website and started the diet, I've shown him the cheat sheet and he's been extremely helpful about coming up with recipe ideas and he even double-checks labels for me when he does the grocery-buying! A lot of times we don't eat the same food at meal time, but we do eat together and that's what counts. Plus, he likes a lot of the recipes I try from the site! Your bf sounds very caring and supportive--not questioning your "vegan" diet  and enjoying having dinner with you. It's good to have someone like that to be there for you when you have a chronic condition. I think if you accept you have IBS, a condition that won't just go away, you'll have to get past the embarrassment in order to take care of yourself the best way you can. I know it's stressful to make excuses for your diet, and I can't imagine not having a BM at home for 11 months!
I hope you find a way to discuss it with him. Let me know how it goes! 
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Chelsea,
I've had IBS since I was a senior in high school (5 years now), all of my friends know I have stomach issues and there are foods I can't eat and certain things I can't do (like drink alcohol or stay up too late). My boyfriend knew about my IBS before we even started dating, and I only knew him for 2 weeks before we started dating! Just tell him, it's one of those, he should understand, and if he doesn't, he should get the boot!
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Melissa
Friendship is thicker than blood. ~Rent
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Tell him! My bf (now my husband) has been absolutely wonderful about all my IBS stuff...he really helped.
And as the others said, if he can't cope with IBS he's not worth staying with.
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You know what? Once you start telling people, your IBS gets better! At least that's what happened to me - it's very stressful to hide something so big, and stress will make your IBS worse.
And has been said before, anyone who treats you like crap (hee!) because you have IBS is a jerk who shouldn't be in your life. I wish I had known that my bowels' behavior wasn't normal back when I lived with a real jerk - I could have gotten rid of him so much earlier...
--AC
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Oh I was SO in the same situation as you! I'm living with my boyfriend for the summer and I'm 20. I just found out I had IBS shortly before we moved in together, but I didn't really even know what IBS was until I stumbled upon Heather's wonderful website one day. Anyways, I knew that I had trouble going to the bathroom (I'm IBS-C too) and the whole subject has always make me uncomfortable. I used to stay in the bathroom for a while trying to go and I sure didn't want my boyfriend wondering what I was doing in there. I was always afraid to go when he was around (even before we started living together). But with C, when you gotta go, you gotta go! Holding it in will just make it worse! At least it does for me. I would advise you to just tell him the truth. A relationship needs to based off of truth and I bet he would be a lot happier if you told him than holding it back from him. Just remember, he's a boy and boys view the subject of pooping in a much different, less gross view than us. So to him, it probably isn't something to be embarrassed about at all! I used to be a girl who hated the subject of pooping and would avoid it at ALL costs, especially involving me! But now, I'm not afraid to tell anyone I have IBS. Most people don't even know what it is and the few that ask just take my explanation of "my stomach is just very sensitive." So bottom line, just let him in on this huge part of your life! It will make you feel so much better and might even make the two of you closer, cuz if you can talk about poop, what can't you talk about?
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.:IBS.:.C:...:pain.bloating.gas:.
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Oh thanks so much you guys! Its comforting to hear that all of the guys were so supportive. I for sure know Jeremy would be .. I'm the only person holding myself back from telling. Its been almost 5 years since I was diagnosed with IBS, but i dont think i was given all of the necessary tests, so I am going to make an appointment with my GI doc to make sure I am tested for everything. If I am still diagnosed with IBS, then I will tell him. I think having a line of dr. appts would be an easy opening to tell him "Hey, so you know all the dr. appts I've been going to, well its b/c ...."
So anyway, thanks so so much! This will be one less thing to stress about, and one more thing to help my IBS! THANKS!
IBS-Chelsea
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...but I was in your same position a few months ago.
I have lived with my now-fiance for a year and a half and I used to just tell him that I had "stomach problems" and that certain things that I ate made my stomach really hurt. I told him that the doctors were doing tests and they didn't quite know what it was yet, which was true. That is still what I tell everyone else and no one questions me on it.
But now my fiance knows the absolute total story. We joke about our BMs and my finicky tummy. I know it can be really hard sharing such gross stuff with your BF and I wasn't comfortable sharing it with him when I first met him either, but after 11 months, know that he obviously likes you/loves you and won't care. It will really make your life a lot easier to tell him, if you can. It was embarassing when I first told him, but I only gave him bits and pieces at a time and now he knows everything and has known everything for 9-10 months. He even had to take me to the ER one night, so if he hadn't known, it would have been really embarassing. Then again, if he wasn't my fiance they probably wouldn't have let him into the room with me, so it may not have been a problem.
Just wanted to let you know that if you can, telling him is your best bet. But until you feel comfortable, explain to him that you have stomach problems and that it hurts your tummy to eat certain things. And leave it at that.
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Elizabeth
all those years it wasn't IBS - it was celiac!
send me an email: liz@dopple.net
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I know it's embarrassing, but you need to tell him. He'll be fine with it. I recently moved in with my boyfriend, and my C was so bad, that it was affecting our relationship. I had to tell him. He understood. How bad is your C.
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been there
#197433 - 07/19/05 03:58 PM
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Lyndsey
Reged: 02/16/05
Posts: 581
Loc: Bay Area, CA
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i was really embarrassed about it too....my boyfriend though has been pretty proactive about understanding ibs...so it's kinda embarassing that he's reading about my bowels...at first i would be really really emarrassed, but he's been wanting to go to the doctor with me, and i even told him about my poopoo test i have to take.....
it takes a little getting use to saying to even anyone....i'd whisper my problem...but now i've learned to deal....in heather's book she says she never expected to write a book like that (and i love this quote) she said it's kinda embarassing to be like "hi, i'm heather and this is my colon" which i TOTALLY identify with!!
i completely understand how you feel, but remember guys are kinda gross...haha...they fart and poop like it's nothing....so i try to keep that in mind....
if your b.m is on a scedule, try to change it for when you take a shower, thats what i do....if i have problems durring the day.....it gets alittle more complecated for me...but where does he expect the food to go? it would be great if we didn't have to do it....but we are people...so he can't error you on that!!!!!
i'm 24, i really started having problems like really really bad problems around 21 or 22...you said people your age don't have it usually....but since you do...dealing with it, and being truthful to yourself will help alot!
alot of times if i'm embarrassed about it, i tell my boyfriend (fiance.....heehee) not to laugh and that i do feel embarassed about it before hand, so that he can be more sympathetic. he talks about it with his sisters, and they are really understanding too which helps. i also make jokes about it....i.e. my poop they want to test....becuase if i can laugh at it....it's alittle lighter..you know
i felt like i was not sexy at all....having a colon problem, that i have to say he's helped me on, becuase he still tells me i'm sexy and that it's just a thing that happens....
but at 19 i understand how you'd feel....at 24 it was hard, and i'm sure at 36 being newly diagnosed is hard too!
but we can support you! and i am willing to try to help make light of the situation too!!!!!!
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I think, to some degree, we are culturally stigmatized and "trained" to feel "shame" re: bodily functions, even more when
that seemingly normal, natural function is taken for granted.
Do you think that you may be doing yourself a disservice with this charade? I appreciate/understand your silence and facade, but do you really want it to negatively interfere with your relationship? If he doesn't "get it" or is unwilling to learn understanding/sensitivity then he's just not worth it. I don't understand why you are tormenting yourself with this game?
You're both adults. How is it that we can share sexual communication through other orfices but when it comes to one's g.i. tract and everything associated with it we get embarrassed?
In my last live-in relationship, I couldn't hide my IBS if I tried!!! You wouldn't believe how beyond nice and understanding the ex was! Most people have their own something or set of something that is chronic, not necessarily physical, but psychological.
You'll probably sleep alot better and s**t alot better if you just open up about your IBS. He's as human as you are!
You'd be surprised!
Kate, IBS-D.
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