Thank you Stephie.
But you know, I've done all of that. Right now I'm just eating Chicken and Rice. Yesterday I was doing just fine, everything going good, had a little trip to walmart, watched Hot Fuzz at night. I also ate chicken and rice for dinner. And of course, the day I'm supposed to go to the faire, I have problems. And its a different kind of problem. I haven't gone to the bathroom one time today. But every single second I feel like I need to, and that any moment I'm going to seriously need to. I'm so afraid to get in that car. I have no choice, I have to go. I have medicine from the doctors, and I'm taking Immodium. I'm already loaded up on it, and I have to stay up all night to leave. If I go to sleep, I will wake up with some hefty problems. I still can't go to the bathroom, but I know that the moment I get into that car, I'm going to have to. You said that thing about remembering all the 15 minutes I've gone without having to go. Yes, I've done that so many times, expecially today. I mean if I get an attack really early in the trip, there will be no stops for me. Ugh! why couldn't I have just gone yesterday, or even earlier today? But no, everything seems to conspire to make my life worse and worse and worse.
And what is wrong with groceries?! I went to every health food section in that store, every single one of them, EVER SINGLE ONE! had wheat, milk, and or nuts.
So you know what I got? Grapes, and plain chicken...MMM MMM! I don't even think I can have grapes. I lost 50 pounds in one year.
last year at this exact same time, I weighed 220 pounds, now at this very moment, I weigh 163. That came from not eating, and eating like I have to now. by the way I stopped eating bread. I've been taking fiber every day now, the one from this website. I believe it helps but...who knows. It hurts so much every time I see someone just up and go and have fun, they can just go out and have a great time, they can leave at any moment, wake up and just go, they can do whatever they want at any time. Every...single...freaking thing Is hell for me. Any fun activity is just a terrible trap for me, full of suffering, anger, depression, fear. Hey you want to go to my lan party? NO, I can't go, because my life sucks. Anyone can tell me to just "not worry" but thats impossible, you can't just not worry, expecially when the reason your worrying is because you are actually having the problem right at the moment. There is no way around it.
I've had a colonoscpy, endoscopy, that ridiculously long 5 hour x-ray, blood tests, stool tests, THEY EVEN WANT ME TO REDO MY X-RAY BECAUSE THEY LOST MY RECORDS! I've gone in for countless little assessments, and pointless talks. Its stupid that I had to go through hell just for them to tell me what they want to do to me some other time.
I don't believe in Hypnotherapy, I don't believe yoga would do a thing, and I'm pretty sure I've made just about any adjustment to my life that I can. You know I'm atleast 2 years behind in High school because I had to drop out of regular high school to do this computer program...even then I still have to go in to a school building atleast once a week. Everyone my age has long graduated and I'm still in it...Any and all foods I love have wheat in it...I swear its like some sadistic freak is up their making sure I have the worst time possible. And have you ever ate a plain potato or plain white rice? I can't stomach it, its gross. It needs something in it. Seriously, after this whole faire thing is over, I don't even care, I'm eating a whole freaking ton of Chinese food...and I'll just live in my room and play harvest moon.
What I planned on doing to make this trip easier is after the 8 minute drive to the fork in the road that starts the 15 minute road leading to the 10 minute road to the gas station 5-10 minutes away from the faire grounds, is to take a movie (the grinch) and play it at the moment we go down that road so hopefully time will pass by very quickly. The reason I'm so afraid of this road is because of my brothers wedding. On my trip back, it was terrible, and it seemed like the longest road ever.
Hurmpf...I have no idea what to do.