Will and I have been talking as we agreed that if the rheumy tomorrow suggests the methotrexate like we think she is going to than we are going to do it. I've have been reluctant to try it because its very toxic. You have to have your liver and white blood cell count checked like every 2 weeks for a while than one a month. It is also a category X for pregnancy. That means you cannot even think about getting pregnant, in fact, they all but force you tot take birth control pills. They actually use methotrexate shots to induce abortions. If you do manage not to abort, you will have a severely messed up kid. It is known to cause all sorts of horrible birth defects. If you decide late that you want to get pregnant, you have to be off it for 3-6 months before even trying. I'm 36 years old with a history of infertility and 5 miscarriages. This will pretty much squash any hopes of me ever having my own child. I'm really having a hard time with this. I feel like I'm giving up or something.
The problem is, is that I am no where near healthy enough to care for a child, even if I could someone manage to carry one. Its all I can do to drive to work, sit at my desk and answer the few calls calls everyday. By time I get home, I'm exhausted. I sleep all weekend, every weekend. I hurt all the time. The joint swelling and damage is getting worse and taking its toll on my mental health.
I'm afraid if I don't get this under control before too much longer that I just won't be able to cope anymore. I feel like such a burden to everyone. The pain is wearing me way down.
The methotrexate is a very serious drug with a lot of side effects. As I mentioned, you have to have lots of blood work to monitor your liver and other organs. It makes you very tired, nausea and fatigued. It can make your hair fall out. It causes stomach upset and diarrhea. Apparently most people take one big dose, once a week. Usually on the weekend so they can sleep it off. They also make it in an injection form which is what I would ask for to try and bypass the gi upset. I already have enough problems there.
This is really my last option. I've tried all the other dmards (disease modifying anti rheumatic drugs) and I need to get off the steroids. I'm already on the humira at a higher dose than usual and yet the swelling, pain and damage continue.
I kept telling myself that if the methotrexate works and I get better, maybe we can adopt. I know we can not afford a private adoption at $20,000. However, I know that sometimes if you adopt through social services, its much cheaper. We will unlikely get a white, healthy infant but I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that there are many older children out there that needs home and I can love them just as much with in an already weakened state. As many of you know, I am not a religious woman but I take comfort in knowing that I found Harley just when I needed him and little Oliver just came along under all the right circumstances and I can only hope that maybe, someday a child will come to me as well.
I'm thinking that if I can ever get this flare under control, that I would check into volunteer work at social services, a battered woman's shelter or even join big brothers big sisters. I feel that I have a lot of love to give and if I can't give it to a child of my own, than I need to find someone in need of love.
Whatever you do to take comfort in this world, please do it for me. I'm trying to be strong but I'm feeling awful bruised and battered. I feel like I've been though more than my share of misery in my 36 years and I would really like a little happiness, at least a reprieve from the pain.
-------------------- Taking it one day at a time.....
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