Irritable Bowel Syndrome Message Boards | Re: Does everybody hate their mother-in-laws?

Oh Terri --
Don't you have enough going on with the scary situation after the birth of your other grandchild? I can't believe your entire family isn't rallying around you. If my SIL ever acted this way to my mom, she'd be in tears and my dad would be furious. When my SIL was pregnant, and right after the baby was born, she was SUPER crabby, and even that was more than most of us could deal with. Thankfully she's back to normal, but I know that she really bruised my feelings and my mom and dad's. I can't imagine how hard it is for you to endure even more extreme treatment on a long-term basis.
I really wish I had some advice for you, but as I'm neither a DIL nor an MIL, I don't really have too much experience. I know that there is no behavior that deserves this kind of treatment, so it's impossible that you've done anything to deserve this. I'm on the fence about whether you should follow Sheri's advice and send a letter, or follow Bev's and leave it alone. I definitely agree with Gayla that praying about it is always a good idea, and praying for her will help you see her as someone to empathize with and feel compassionate towards, even if you hate her behavior right now. If you can't actually resolve the situation, the next best thing is to try to minimize the effects that you are worried about. You mentioned that you are mostly worried about how her attitude and behavior will make your grandkids see you. If that's the truth, and I believe it is, then forget about trying to change your DIL's opinion of you and just work on molding your grandkids' opinions of you. Send them lots of cards all the time to let them know you are thinking of them. Invite them to come have a sleepover at grandma's (unless you think the DIL won't let them, and will get even angrier at you for asking. I definitely think that for this sort of thing you should suggest it to your son first, as it's pretty inappropriate to invite children over without asking the parents first). Do not ever say anything bad about their mother in front of them. You should praise her as much as possible, so that if they hear anything negative about you from her, they'll know she's the one who is acting strange, not you. I would resist the urge to shower them with material gifts -- just not a good idea in general, and your DIL will probably see any new toys or dolls that come from you as some sort of encroachment on her territory. I don't know how old they are, but if they use email at all, I bet they'd think it was pretty cool to get an email from grandma. They'd also be able to reply privately back to you without their mother overhearing a phone conversation or something. Go to all their school plays if you can (not sure how close they live). As for the birthday parties issue, which I think is probably the most hurtful, I would go along with the suggestion about having a little pre-birthday celebration at your house for the kids. I know when I was little I had about 4 birthday parties every year (one for my classmates, one at my grandmother's, one with my parents, another one at my aunt's house ...) and I certainly didn't think it was excessive!
It probably doesn't help to know you are right and she is wrong, because that means your hands are pretty much tied and there is nothing more you can do. I'd say back off for a good long while, focus on your relationship with your grandkids, and then, if that doesn't work, send a very small thinking of you greeting card, not a long, emotionally-charged letter, and write one or two lines about how you think she has so many valuable qualities and would love to get to know her better. This next suggestion probably goes against all things feminist and any idea of self-respect, but my mom and I always use the technique of apologizing even when we know we've done nothing wrong -- if your goal is to mend fences, then who cares if the other person gets that little bit of gratitude, if it will make them more amenable to you? You could say something like I'm sorry that I've become more like a stranger than your mother in law -- I'd like to get to know you better and be your friend. I mean you can tone down the cheese factor a little but I think short and sweet is good and unintimidating. If you give her the opportunity to "forgive" you, even though you and she know you haven't done anything wrong, it will make it easier for her because she won't have to swallow her pride and apologize to you. And you shouldn't wait around for an apology from her in order to forgive her. You'll feel better in your own heart (and in your belly) and be setting a good example for your kids and grandkids if you simply quietly forgive her in your heart, give up any grudge, and don't wait for an apology.
Sorry, I'm long-winded tonight ... reading too much legal stuff!
Panda

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Amanda

I live in the Big Apple, but I don't eat the skin

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