HELP!! Need advice from older wiser moms.
#95698 - 08/04/04 07:57 PM
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BarbaraS
Reged: 02/12/03
Posts: 1939
Loc: Wisconsin
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My son, Alex, who has ADHD has been awful lately. I'm ready to send him off to Boot Camp. (Are there any for 8 year olds?) 
He may need a med change, but he has been very impulsive the past couple of weeks. He says and does whatever comes to his head and doesn't think of consquences or how he is hurting anybody's feelings. You wouldn't believe what comes out of this kid's mouth!  We send him into time out, ground him from friends, take basketball away from him and nothing seems to work. We even acknowledge his good behavior by thanking him.
I am at lost what to do with this kid. Tomorrow he has a birthday party to go to and my husband and I decided he is not going. By not letting Alex go we feel we are punishing his friend who wants Alex there. Alex and this boy are best friends.
Please moms give me some advice.
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Hi Barbara,
Well obviously I'm no mom...but I do remember when I was about your son's age, quite a few years ago I may add  I was definitely a difficult child for my parents to handle around the age of 8 as well. Fortunately, it was just one of those stages that kids often go through, and although it is hard to cope with, I got over it and I think your son will too.
I understand that you feel like you're punishing the best friend...BUT I remember a situation just like that where my parents punished me from going to a friends birthday party and that definitely upset me (but made me realize my behaviour wasn't going to be tolerated). Does Alex really want to go this party? Because if he does and you don't let him go, it may help him to get the message, even though he'll be resentful I'm sure.
Maybe he could also use a change of pace? A new activity? Maybe the answer is a camp - not boot camp mind you! 
Anyway, hopefully some of the moms here will be able to give you some good advice.
Hope everything works out for ya!!! 
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Barbara, girl I feel for you. I raised two boys, the oldest was ADD, he also was and still is a little hard headed. HE came out good, he is a great dad and has a great job.
I don't know if what I am going to say may help you, but you can take what you want and throw the rest out.
He has to understand who the BOSS really is, and he has to know it is not himself. When he misbehaves, has a smart remark or two, and is just a little pain in the butt. IT is time for life as he knows it to stop! I have a friend, her daughter looses the luxury of playing with her dolls, xbox, favorite toys, EVERYTHING. When her mouth gets too smart, or she is just totally rude and disrespectful of everyones feelings. She has to work to get the chance to have even one thing back. OH, her mom takes it all away from her and puts it away into another room. Her behavior dictates how she is treated, sometimes the girl does whithout a lot of her things. At the same time, she has to work around the house also (she is 10, she does her laundry, her moms laundry, she has to clean the kitchen after meals. She has to sweep, inside and outside.....the list goes on and on, the longer she has to do chores depends on her attitude and behavior. As long as she is busy, she doesnt have time to mis behave.) You would be amazed at the attitude change, I think it is a great idea, its kind of like a tough love sort of thing.
One more thing Barbara, he has to understand that he can't speak to you and your husband disrespectfully. That has to be taken care of before he grows older, the older he gets the worse it will become.
IT is so hard to be a parent, and be a strong one at that.Children crave discipline, I cant explain it, but I have seen it with my own children and grandchildren.
Be strong, this is a hard road, some of this stuff may help you, and hope you haven't been offended by any of it. ITs just that I have seen other use it, and it works.
Good luck Barbara. Let me know how things go with Alex, I saw his pics and he is a cuuuuuuute kid.
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I'm not older, nor do I pretend to be wiser, but I do have a Special Ed Specialist and have taught several ADHD students.
Obviously, see the Doc ASAP re that med change.
In the meantime, are you telling him to think before he speaks? (I'm sure you are) You may have to drill this in him like a broken record but I have found it helpful if they get used to asking themselves should they say what's on their mind FIRST.
Also, make sure the time out is in a place with NO distractions. No phone, TV, etc. or traffic moving in and out. Make it as secluded and as quiet as possible. It makes it easier for them to think. Also, after time out, ask him why he got the time out and what he has to do to avoid it next time.
I think you're doing the right thing by the consequences. It may not seem to be working, but it takes time with ADHD kids. You are sending the message loud and clear that this is unacceptable and there will be unpleasant consequences for his actions. I know it's heartbreaking not to send him to the party, but that may just be the message that hits home with him. You never know.
Also, there have been previous discussions on this board about ADHD. Several supermoms brainstorming strategies. I would do a board search. You may come up with more helpful info.
Hugs, han.
--------------------
Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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BarbaraS,
I know exactly what you are dealing with, my daughter has ADD not the ADHD but same thing only she is not hyper.
We had to do the same things you are doing right now and they never seem to do a darn thing either. I do know that boys and girls act differently with ADD or ADHD. Then again don't we all! My daughter was on Ritalin and after so long it just did not do anything for her she acted the same regardless.Maybe ALex needs his meds changed like you said then again maybe he's just looking for attention. I noticed on your info Alex is the middle child so is my daughter middle children tend to have that middle child syndrome, The older one is more responsible the younger gets more attention because they are the younger one the middle one has to fight to get the attention they want or need ( or at least they think they do). Also I know that some of ADD/ADHD kids also have under lying issues as such as depression. My daughter is now almost 20 she still does wacky things and she does not to be alone all day.
She still wants to be the center of attention.
All and all she is ok she turned out good..
Just be patient and yes I know easier said than done...
I hope this helps
Good luck strap in your seat belt and enjoy the ride because it definitly won't be dull...
Terry
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Barbara,
I'm an older mom, but I can't say that I'm wiser! I feel your frustration because my boys are only 13 months apart, and when they were younger, by the end of the summer, I was about to pull my hair out. I remember calling my husband at work and crying because I felt like I couldn't deal with them another minute. My two fought all the time, picked at each other, and no amount of discipline worked for them---and I only had 2 boys. I can't imagine having 3!
I don't have any advice for you except to say that I wished I had been stricter on mine. As they have gotten older (and at 6 ft., 2 inches tall), the sassiness is definitely hard to control. I wish I had nipped it in the bud when they were much younger. I remember being so drained of energy that I let a lot of it go, thinking it wasn't that big of a deal. If I could just turn the clock back . . . I would do a better job of following through with whatever I said to them. It seems like I was always threatening to punish them or take a privilege away, and then, I'd either forget, give in, or throw up my hands in exhaustion!!! (or all 3!)
I know what you mean about the party---you don't want to punish the other child. That's the guilt we as mothers feel. But if you've threatened to take this away from him and he doesn't obey you, then maybe following through would let him see that you mean business. (Gosh, that's so easy for me to say, right?) Or if it's really gonna cause a problem with the other child's birthday, then maybe you could take another privilege away from him instead. See, I'm wavering already .... ha!
Being the mother of 3 little boys---gosh, you deserve a medal just for surviving!
And not to depress you or anything, but I tossed and turned last night and was wide awake at 4 a.m. worrying about my 18 1/2 year-old who's leaving for college in 4 weeks. I don't think you ever quit worrying about your children.
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Hi Barbara,
Well I'm not old and not wiser yet, but do have three boys.
My youngest is 8 too. I'm lucky my sons do not have adhd or add. Some of what your experiencing is normal behavior and some well the other. Treat him no differently, and stick with your parenting. My oldest is 16 and my middle one is 12 turning 13 soon. My son Micheal who is 12 can display at times out spoken words that are hurtful or just down right mean. He has gotten better over the last 3 years. I did have him tested and no problems...soo he has seen his room quite a bit and lots of time outs. It has worked. Well you know having all boys or just a house full of kids is challenging at times. Okay if you really feel it's is adhd, give him a chance to go, but maybe he could explain why he feels he should be able to go. I know this could be difficult for him, but if doesn't accomplish it this is grounds for him not to attend, because you know then he can't handle it right now. The other is just like I said before stick to your gut parenting and do what you feel is right. Barbara your a great mom, Hang in there rough times can get better. (((HUGS))))
Sherri
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Han Solo thanks. When I catch him before his mouth opens up I look at him and tell him to count to 10 before he opens his mouth. I feel like a broken record with him. I tell him, "Stop, think, before I react".
The other issue we have to deal with is, he has Receptive, Expressive Processing Disorder. From my observation it seems his head is spinning and he is unable to organize his thoughts appropriately and that is when the bad words and actions come out.
His doctor won't be back until Monday, so we can talk than. He has a great doctor and the doc works with ADD/ADHD children. We will finally be off state insurance beginning Sept. 1rst. and I set the first appt. with the NeuroPsych. at the the end of Sept. It has been two and half years since Alex has been tested - it is time for Alex to go back. There is also an excellent child psych. who works with diffcult children in the same office.
By end of Ocotober we should have solid answers about his problems and than be able to help him.
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What a great idea about the chores. I have to try that. However, I do require my boys to help out around the house. My attitude is they live here, so they have to contribute without an allowance. Alex will have to do extra work.
That is how I grew up and my husband didn't grow up this way. The end result is I'm more of a responsible person than he is. Raising three boys now a days is a diffcult job and I am determine my boys will grow up to be responsible and respectful citizens.
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Wise words from a young person without kids. We love to send him to a cool day camp, but we can't afford it right now. He loves sports and I'm outside with him everyday either playing basketball or baseball.
Right now I'm limited at the amount of time I can play sports because I'm still recoverying from an arm injury. I get all three boys involved and refree a game. 
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