Making babies ... and then staying home with them!
#194858 - 07/12/05 06:25 PM
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jen1013
Reged: 05/06/05
Posts: 1322
Loc: the wabe
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Hey, I was going to post this in the other thread but it was WAY too long.
This is something that's really been on my mind and I'm not sure who else to discuss it with.  So here's the deal.
I'll be 24 next month. DH will be 33 in January. We are going to start trying to have kids after Christmas. The only reason we aren't trying now is so that we will have time to get all debt except mortgage paid off.
I really want to stay home with my kids -- at least until they go to school. I firmly believe that ***I*** should be the one to raise my kids -- not the daycare! (I know this is a controversial subject -- but the sad fact is, the daycare will be there for most of your child's waking hours.) DH doesn't really feel the same, but has agreed it is OK with him if I stay home with the kids until the second one is 3.
Here's my problem. I am in a technical field and am very good at what I do -- I already make 20% more than DH (who is in the same field with twice my experience). However, the job is demanding and it's easy to very quickly lose skills. Presuming I had my two kids a couple years apart, I would've been out of the job market around 7 years. At that point, getting a similar job would be impossible.
I am really good at money and I don't foresee any problems living on DH's income. But I wonder if I am going to make a mistake essentially giving up my work. It is not what I want to do long-term -- it is not a family-friendly job as I am basically on call 24/7 and spend long hours at work. But, I have worked really hard to get where I am and am really respected where I work -- which is really tough for a 23-year-old woman in a technical position, let me tell you!!! So in some sense I am a little reluctant to give it up.
It's possible I could go part-time at my current job -- I haven't talked it over with my boss because I don't want him knowing I plan on getting pregnant so soon. But, I am a very workaholic person and I am afraid that the part-time hours would creep up more and more and I'd end up in the same boat. Working at home is not an option, and neither is consulting.
Again, it's not really the money that's a problem, it's getting back into the job market. My thought was to use the time off to maybe go back to school for something that WOULD be more family-friendly. I always wanted to be a teacher (elementary school) but ended up going into a technical field instead. But when I brought this up to DH he wasn't very happy about it, pointing out how little teachers make. So I don't know.
Anyway, sorry for the long post! But this is preying on my mind and if I do get pregnant in six months I am going to have to figure out what to do!
Advice please? 
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jen
"It's one of the most serious things that can possibly happen to one in a battle -- to get one's head cut off." -- LC
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Yucky situation.
You really have to do what you feel is right.
I feel the exact same as you about daycares, and I will not send my kids there. I am pregnant right now, and will be a stay at home mom until I decide the time is right to work again...
I too am in the techinical field - I'm a civil engineer. I love math and computers and that is what I am good at...however, having children is 100000 times more important to me than my career....that's just how I am. I couldn't care less about having more money if it means I can be the one to see my kids first steps, hear their first words, have them say my name first, etc...
Anyways, I think you just have to decide what is more important to you right now! And I think that it WILL be possible to work again...you may have to start out slow for awhile, but you can get back into it! You don't have to be completely out of the loop while you are at home - I still read my civil engineering magazine every month!  (I'm a dork, I know)
Anyways....good luck...it sounds like you are a very bright person and will make a good decision no matter what!
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~Cara~
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is not so much the money but retaining my position at a government agency that is VERY hard to get into. Once you're in---it's totally secure and a great place to be. But I waited 5 years for an opening....and I can't see myself working in regular industry or consulting after having been a government employee. The thing, I know if I go part time, I can work 2 days at the office, and 1 day at home. For those 2 days, I'm REALLY looking for a solution like...my mom, or other relative, or someone I'm close with taking care of the kids. Not just some random place. I figure 2 days a week can't be that bad....however....IF my husband just made gobs of money, I'd probably stay home. (Even though I do love my job). It's a tough decision, that's for sure!! This issue exactly is primarily why I've waited as long as I have. I had hoped my mom would retire soon and she could help out (and would love to). But she's got some time left.
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You'll find there are so many corners you can "cut", go to a less expensive car, pay off bills now while you are still working so you'll be that much ahead, commit not to go in debt now that you're planning all this... as for going back to work later, well, all you can do about that is do a great job now so they'll want you back when/if you ever decide to return. Other than that, have to let the future sort of work itself out as it comes.
I stay home full time and I can't say that there is anything money can by that would make me do otherwise. Honestly, my heart goes out to single moms and mothers who feel they HAVE to work when they're children are babies. Others who choose to, that is their choice and perhaps what is best in their situation! For me, this is how it is meant to be, I have no doubt.
Don't think too far ahead, just one step at a time... now, guess I'll go check on those cookies in the oven. 
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Take care,
Michelle
...the greatest of these is LOVE. (I Cor 13)
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In your fields, do you go on regular courses/lectures to keep up to date? Maybe you could continue doing some of those (and reading the magazines!) when the kids are young so it's just the odd day in care or with family.
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Because hubby is a civil engineer too. He's taking his PE exam in a few months, so I'll help him study (he's not a great test taker, and this is an 8-hour Saturday exam that gives you a migraine).
I still belong to ASCE (American Society of Civil Engineers), and the NSCS (National Society of Collegiate Scholars). There are seminars often, but they are usually very expensive and in different parts of the country - so I don't normally go.
Math comes very easily to me - I barely ever went to class because I taught it better to myself with the book. I got 2 B's in college - one in Child Development (LOL!!!), and one in Geotech. I'm a big nerd. Haha. No, school just comes easily for me, my hubby is the opposite - but he is GREAT in the work field.
I learn things very quickly and easily, so I'm not too worried about going back to engineering. In fact, a friend of mine just started his own CE firm in our area, and he is just waiting for me to come back! (I'm still not sure if I ever will - it's not completely my passion).
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~Cara~
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Jen, the decision to start a family is forever and life-altering. No amount of money, experience, job security in the world is more important than raising your own children! Sacrificing one salary is something my DH and I have done for 12 years now, and I wouldn't do it differently for a moment! I am working now after being home full-time for 8 years, but DH is home full-time because we have committed to home-school our children. When he finishes school and gets a job, I go back home to teach the kids.
I will only be 45 when my baby graduates highschool. I will have another 20-30 years to work at any job I want. I plan to go back to school for another degree and lots of other things...but I only get one shot at parenting these two precious children.
A lot of my peers from college have high-salaried, titled positions, but very few have children. Several who decided to have children gave up their jobs and came home and never looked back. If your husband earns enough to supply the needs, go for it! It is a once in a lifetime opportunity!
I will pray for your family as you make this life-changing decision.
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God is Faithful!
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Take care,
Michelle
...the greatest of these is LOVE. (I Cor 13)
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It must be nice. I can't add 12 and 19 in my head!
The other day I gave the cashier at Target change and it was wrong. I dug in my change purse, gave her some more---and it was wrong. I finally just said, "Heck, take it out of this dollar bill!"
I THINK I HAVE NUMBER PHOBIA!
But I made 100's on my English grammar tests. Talk about a nerd!
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I don't have any kids, but have done tons of babysitting in the past. I think raising a family IS a full time career.
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Carol
nós somos o que nós somos e o descanso é merda
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