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The last thing I thought I'd ever be doing is pouring out my heart on a message board. I'm not usually one to talk about my feelings....maybe I've kept everything bottled up too long and that's why I'm crashing right now.

This whole childhood thing today really got to me. I've never really talked to anyone about how things were when I was growing up.

I was pretty young when my dad died. I didn't get to know him as much as I would have liked...but I have really great memories of him.

After he died my mom had a lot of different guys around. I don't really remember anyone specific until she met my step-dad. He had a really huge drug problem. He did heroine and a bunch of other stuff. By the time I was 9 my mom was an addict.

I guess cause I was really young and vulnerable it never even crossed my mind to ask anyone for help.

My mom got pregnant and they married soon after that...which was about the same time that the son of a family friend started to sexually abuse me. This went on for a couple years....until one day it just stopped for no apparent reason. I was too scared to tell anyone...and I still haven't told anyone yet (except you guys now).

My half-brother was born when I was 10 years old and my parents just weren't capable of taking care of a child. So my grandmother took care of him during the day and then after school and on weekends I took care of him. Everyone in my family knew the conditions we were living in but never did anything to help us. I still don't know why. So I raised my little brother as best I could.

When I was about 14/15 my parents drug addiction got really bad and they became physically abusive. I would say one thing that they didn't like and would end up bruised and bleeding. I tried as hard as I could to take it all and protect my brother. I'd rather take 100 beatings than have him take even one.

After the abuse got too horrible I went to The Children's Aid Society. They took my brother and I out of my parents house and we stayed with my grandparents for a month or so and then finally we were forced to go back home (my parents were good at pretending everything was just wonderful) and so I went home and counted the days until I was 16 and I could leave that horrible place.

On my 16th birthday I packed my stuff and left home. My family members didn't want to help me cuz they thought that I should have stayed at home. I had no place to go...I slept in a phone booth for a week and stayed on and off with friends until my grandmother finally realized that I wasn't going home. I moved in with her for a year...but felt so guilty about leaving my poor brother behind.

After about a year my dad decided to go to rehab and get off the drugs. I went home for a visit and saw a huge change in him so I agreed to move back in (and I couldn't stand being apart from my brother any longer).

It turned out that my mom had no interest in gettting sober so my dad moved out with my brother and told me I could move in with them if I wanted to. I felt too guilty leaving my mom behind by herself so I stayed. I guess I still had this niave idea in my head that maybe she could change...that all I needed to do was stick by her and she could do it. I was terribly wrong. She got worse and worse until one night she tried to strangle me and I left at 3am to go to my dad's and never went back.

After I moved in with my dad things were actually normal. He was getting sober and was actually a real dad!! I remember the first time he bought me balloons on my 18th birthday...I cried so hard cuz I was so happy he was atually sober and capable of doing these things for his family.

My mom has never gotten better unfortunately. She still has a serious drug problem. She stops calling us for months at a time and then calls up one day like nothing ever happened. My brother is now 13 years old and I know it hurts him so much that his mother is not capable of loving him like she should. I'm constantly trying to protect him...I buy him presents at christmas and put her name on them so he won't be hurt that she didn't get him anything. Maybe I shouldn't do that...but I just can't stand the thought of my brother being hurt. He's been through enough as it is.

I can't seem to let go of my feelings about my mother. I feel like I hate her so much for what she puts us through...but at the same time I still love her and feel sorry for her and part of me yearns for a relationship with her. I know it could never happen....but for some reason I just can't let it go. I allow her to hurt me over and over again and I still keep forgiving her. I worry about my brother every single day...and it hurts me so much that she makes so many promises to him that she can't keep...and just the look of disapointment and hurt on his face...it tears my up.

I have managed to finish university and have a full-time job and am enrolled in a graduate course...so I've always got lots to keep me occupied...but I guess sometimes (like today) I just break down and don't know what to do or who to talk to. I feel like there's nobody who can understand me....

Anyway...thanks for listening...I've never actually told anyone any of this stuff before...I may chicken out and delete this later...but I think it's helped just getting all that stuff out.

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So there it is....it turns out I'm not as strong as I pretend to be all the time....I've become an expert at playing the "I always have everything under control" act....but I'm working on it....just promise not to tell anyone!!!

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