Irritable Bowel Syndrome Message Boards | My turn (very long post!)

I will share this in hopes that it might help someone else.

About 5 years ago, after a very stressful period in my life, I started having panic attacks. I cried all the time, didn't want to go out of my house, and I cancelled all of my social activities. Things that I normally enjoyed gave me no joy. Food (for the only time in my life) tasted like cardboard so I didn't eat---and I couldn't sleep at night. I didn't sleep for almost 2 weeks straight. As you can imagine, I was at the point of physical and emotional exhaustion. I felt like a zombie.

I didn't realize it then but I was going through a very serious bout of depression. I remember sitting in this chair in my living room thinking "I don't want to be here!" I was in such pain emotionally that I wanted to just die. I cannot describe it except to say that I was in my own little shell and I could not think rationally. My family, including my husband and parents, knew something was wrong, but they did not realize how bad it was. Their pleas for me to "just snap out of it" made me feel even worse. I could not understand how they could not see that I was drowning. I felt like a ghost. Couldn't they see and feel my pain?

I was literally hanging by a thread, and I remember praying, "Please, God, give me something to hang on to." For some reason, I remembered a little boy I had in a kindergarten class when I was doing substitute teaching. His mother had committed suicide and when the class made gifts for their mother for Mother's Day, he said very matter of factly, "My mother killed herself." At the time, I thought what a horrible thing for this child to live with. He thinks his mother didn't love him enough to live. I always felt so sorry for him.

When the mental picture of this little boy popped into my head, I thought, "Oh my God, I cannot do this to my boys. I do not want them to be left with that legacy--that their mother was selfish enough to end her life because she didn't love them enough." That was the thread I needed. I remember saying over and over again to myself, "I want to see my boys graduate from high school someday. I want to see them get married." And as tremendous as my emotional pain was, I held on to this tiny thread of hope that the future might bring me joy.

Realizing I would never pull myself out of the deep, dark hole I had fallen into, I somehow gathered the strength to go next door to my neighbor's house. It was early in the morning. I was still in my nightgown and I'm sure I looked like a ghost. Shaking and sobbing, I told my neighbor that I could not stay at the house by myself, that I was too afraid. She recognized what I was going through because her niece and daughter had been through the same thing. Thank God for these sweet neighbors whom I credit with literally saving my life. She followed me back to the house, waited for me to shower, called my insurance company and explained the situation, and then took me to the hospital. Fortunately, I saw a wonderful counselor and doctor helped me (over months) get my life back in shape.

I have since been diagnosed with bipolar disorder (more commonly known as manic depression.) I had had severe ups and downs in my mood for years, but never realized that's what it was. I found out that this chemical imbalance runs in my family. My aunt took her own life years ago, and the doctors think she probably had the disorder too. So I am fortunate to have the diagnosis and the treatment that goes with it.

I share this to help others realize what an invisible "disease" depression is. The emotional pain is so unbearable---unlike any physical pain I have ever endured. It is something that can come on suddenly and the person is usually unable to help themselves get through it. They are powerless to take action----until sometimes the rage and hopeless causes them to take that final action to give them relief from their pain.

The good news is my oldest son recently graduated from high school. I cried during this special time, not because he will be leaving the house soon, but instead, I cried tears of joy because I was there to see him receive his diploma. It seems like just yesterday when I hung on to this thought of the future. But I made it! And now I'm looking forward to seeing my other son graduate soon.

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