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I'm 43 and the middle child. I have a sister 2 years older and a brother 5 years younger. My father was an abusive alcoholic and gambler who spent alot of his time in the bar and with his friends. When he did come home at night (drunk) everyone would be in their room trying to hide out. He would make you get up, take off his boots and socks, make him iced tea and smelly cheese and crackers and then you would have to wait to try and escape again. On the nights he actually made it to dinner, there had to be absolute silence, no talking, no laughing. I actually got punished once for 2 weeks for laughing at the dinner table. If he didn't like what the meal was he just flung it off the table and onto the floor. Needless to say I really don't think he should have ever had children.

My Mom was never allowed to work and my father never gave her enough money to manage. She made alot of our clothes from my grandmother's old housecoats. She was and still is a great Mom. She felt she couldn't leave when we were young because she could never support herself let alone three children. Her greatest hope was that when one of us got old enough to work we would help her by going to work. Well, my sister turned 18 first and she refused and moved out on her 18th birthday. 2 years later when I turned 18 I gladly went to work, also managed to find Mom a cashier's job and we worked together to pay the bills and finish raising my brother. My dad never helped with any type of support for my brother, it didn't seem to matter to him how we managed. He married his second wife right after the divorce and she turned out to be totally psychotic. She would call our house all day and hang up or curse my Mom out. She wouldn't left my brother (who was 12 at the time) even talk to my dad, I had a big fight with her and she took an overdose and my dad blamed it on me instead of seeing that his relationship that my brother so desperately wanted was crumbling.

After the divorse, it was so nice to finally be free from fear. My Mom met my stepdad a few years after that and they have been happily married for over 20 years. My stepdad gave me away at my 1st wedding since my Dad would never tell me if he was coming to the wedding (he never came). How I wish she would have met him 43 years ago! How different life would have been with a Dad who actually cared. My real dad passed away 2 years ago and the relationship never got any better.

My Mom and I are extremely close and talk everyday. I consider her my best friend. I really try not to think about my childhood all that much, it's painful and it has taken me a long time to put it aside.

Well, enough rambling. What's important is today! I've come a long way and learned a lot of lessons and am finally happy.

My best to everyone,

Barbara

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