First, let me say, my cup runneth over. The genuine support and kindness that you have all shown means more to me than I can ever, ever express.
I wanted to apologize for not posting earlier and worrying anyone, but I just was in such a very dark place. I was trying to wait until I felt better, but the dark, scary place kept me prisoner for the past few days. I have been "down" and in pain before, but never like this episode. I just coudn't force myself to the computer.
I am pretty exhausted, still very frightened about what my future holds for me and fear that it will only be more intense pain, anxiety, and depression from living my days in such severe pain...to the point that my life is consumed and totally controlled by this demon. I have always had pretty sever IBS, but never for this long without at least one day of reprieve. I'm scared that the stretches of extremely severe pain are increasing in length and intensity. I just read an article in Reader's Digest that said that the longer you suffer from pain, the more ingrained the pain pattern becomes. The connection between the pain nerves and the brain become more ingrained and stronger over time because they strengthen the more they are used. Like when you exercise, the muscles are weak at first, but become stronger the longer they are used. It's the same with the pain nerves. The longer they are "triggered" and stimulated, the more natural and stronger, and more difficult they become to stop. So, the longer you are in pain, the more natural the state is for your body. This means big trouble for me. 
Anyhow, thank you all for your prayers, thoughts, support, compassion...I don't know what I would do without all of you. I often worry that I will be "evicted" from the boards because my posts tend to be so negative..."still in pain, still don't know my triggers, diet still isn't working...etc, etc. I feel like a Eating for IBS flunky. Surely you guys must tire of me. Let's face it, the posts where people are reporting "hey, I feel great and this diet is really working for me" are much more uplifting and encouraging to read. You guys have put up with my struggles for longer than anyone can expect.
If I could just identify one food trigger, or find one SFS that doesn't hurt my body it would give me hope. If I knew which supplements would help me and which are just a big waste of money, it would help. If I felt an inch of improvement, I would feel so much better.
If my doctor would give me some answers on if I should or should not follow a gluten free diet, what the heck to do with my gallbladder,...if he would at least offer some emotional support, if he gave me any advice...I would feel like someone was helping me figure all this out. But I cannot seem to do it on my own. I know I need another doctor. I do. Those of you I have emailed sharing some of the comments this doctor has made to me know how cruel he can be. I must be a masochist.
And, just to let everyone know, I was taking Lexapro and klonopin for depression, anxiety, and pain. Obviously, they aren't doing the job. My doctor has finally given up on the Lexapro and has prescribed Prozac. I mentioned Buspar to him, but he insists that Klonopin is better for me. (This is a Psychiatrist, not my arse hole GI doctor). I pray that the side effects are not too bad. Those of you who are on meds no how difficult the adjustment period of meds can be. And I pray that the new med provides some help dealing with the life of pain and other "crap".
He also gave me a list of counselors to try....I only need to pick one now. Those of you who know me well, know how difficult making a decision is for me. So, I sit with the paper of names of people who I don't know. All with different personalities and approaches. How do I pick one? I feel like this is such a critical decision to make. Hopefully, I will not just put this off because I can't make a decision. I know, deep inside, that it is time to go talk to someone...even if it's just to sit down with and cry about all the pain I am in and how much it sucks and how unfair all of this is.
The job, well, I don't know what to do about the job or my apartment. I am too exhausted to make decisions on them. I know I need more money, but the thought of applying and interviewing is too much while I feel so sick. But, the lack of money is a big part of my stress. So, I feel stuck.
And my stupid landlord and living situation....the thought of packing, looking for a new place to live, hiring movers, and praying I don't get myself into an even worse living situation frightens me. Plus, I don't have a lease here, and I don't know if I should move out of this state or stay here. I don't know if it is a smart idea to move to another apartment here and lock myself into another lease, or if I should stay in this H*** hole apartment until I make a decision...but I will probably never make a decision. So, I live in this stress induced apartment feeling stuck in yet another area of my life.
How do you get the strength to make changes that will improve your life when you feel so sick and in such pain that the activity of breathing, waking up in the morning, and forcing yourself to work everyday, and dealing with the pain and torment of this IBS takes everying out of you? I don't expect answers, just jabbering.
I'll stop rambling...this post is way to long already. Sorry, so much on my mind...so much to figure out and fix...so overwhelmed...
Again, thank you all for you support. Being alone with all this is such a scary feeling. I honestly felt like I was just going to crazy the other night. I felt so fragile.
I love you all...and so grateful for your unconditional support, even after all this time. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
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~ Beth
Constipation, pain prodominent,cramps, spasms and bloat!
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To all of you (long)
