Going to my sister’s house in Apirl
02/27/05 11:49 AM
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Luther Maze
Reged: 07/09/04
Posts: 80
Loc: Tampa, Florida
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I'm going to visit my sister for about a week. Don't know the exact days but it'll be when her boyfriend is out of state for USPS tech training. I'm glad it'll just be me and her. Although not a necessity it'll help me feel less of a burden. I can't wait to show here what it's like living with ibs and to talk in person about everything. She is very understanding on all we have written of thus far. Here's an excerpt from my last letter to her, note here that I have minimal to 0 cramps and 10bms/day;
Quote:
Addressing your confusion over my saying I want to get out but can't because of anxiety. I think your confusion here is in not understanding my illness. I'm not putting any blame here, you can't really know without living with someone who has it or talking to them a lot, which we're doing here through letters. Obviously the closer a destination is the easier it is. The better known the place the easier. Driving myself and not being a passenger the easier. Which I was hoping you'd let me drive to your house, but I think we already discussed this. I can't make schedules with people because my IBS makes me break them, and knowing everybody has a fairly busy schedule this equals to practically never. Think if you and me made an appointment to go out. How often could you? Imagine me not making it more than half the time. Imagine me having to call all the shoots on exactly when and where we can go from one location to another. Like a child. See this is why it's so much less stressful if I'm alone and/or the driver.
Also I'm not saying I can't go out period. If that were so how could I get mad at mom? I'm saying I can't get out much. I can't take mom to the doctor as often as she needs to go, if hardly at all. I can't run all the errands, if I tried many wouldn't get done. I can go out when my ibs lets me. I'm not let out. Like I told you time before last you were here, I've told her all this in many different way and mindsets on both sides. SHE WON'T LET ME OUT.
This was my response when she was surprised and taken back when I asked her if she'd want to go to a bar;
Quote:
When it come to going to the bar. This was a suggestion of a place I know and will be more at ease. Yes I'd like to drink but one doesn't have to drink to go out. Dame anti-smoking laws  . As your letter states your not going to take me to a bar and that's fine with me, I just want to get out. I can see that the old adage is right "it's our experiences that shape us, not our intellect" or something like that. What I'm saying here is that I didn't think you'd equate me to others you've known who do use alcohol as a medication. I guess you'll just have to reason out how I compare the those others. But with those you've know and what you've been through I totally understand. By the way I would never use you. One, it's unthinkable to me. Two, I really have no one else to help me. But the bar is no big deal, really. Beggars can't be choosers and all that.
I was a little worried about telling her how I feel about her. With all the pain and sorrow she's had and will always have, even thought she's found and made her peace with it, I see her as unable to do wrong, or above human. I know intellectually she's only all too human. I guess I just don't want to burden her in any way.
Here is what I did say;
Quote:
About not feeling sorry for myself… besides being relative and all, your existence helps me immensely for this.
note she said not feeling sorry for herself is what helped her
One of the catch 22's of life. She's the one person I know (in person) that has the experience enough to comprehend the pain and solitude I'm going through. Yet these are the people we less want to burden. I do know that I'm not really burdening her. We that know sorrow and pain find solace in helping others.
I hope this was a happy post for that is how I'm feeling now.
Thanks for reading it.
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Life is but a memory on the breath of a dying man.
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