Well the subject heading is my situation in a nutshell. I've been sort of experimenting with not worrying about whether the food I'm eating will make me sick. I can't quite do it, so I pretend that I'm not worried. Its sort of silly but it also kind of works. So I've been feeling a little braver about food, and ate shrimp tonight, instead of chicken which is what I eat CONSTANTLY. It was also a stressful meal for me, out with my inlaws, so I should have known better than to experiment this evening. I felt fine throughout the meal and I was eating really slowly, to check in how I felt. (which people who don't worry about getting sick, don't do, so yes, my progress has only gone so far) Anyway by the end of the meal I felt terribly queasy and had to run to the mens room several times with d. We were 30 minutes from home, and at an endless family meal out at a restaurant. I felt on the verge of panic, so I took a walk around the block, during which I felt better until I felt more d coming on. I went in to my wife, said we have to go immediately, I'll be in the car waiting, and I"m sorry!
Driving home, I began to do some visualization on getting better, and now that I'm home, I'm trying to continue that. To just keep checking in with how I actually feel, and not get into the drama of what might happen. Its soooo hard. I keep having moments where I feel strong and moments when I lose my will to overcome this and start to crumble. I keep wanting to reach for the phone to call my therapist, but then I have to remind myself that she's not able to take this feeling away from me, and that all she can do is remind me to stay in the present moment. Also once I call her, I think I'll break down. And I don't want to go down that road. I want to face this step by step, no matter what happens, thats the goal. The truth is, I thought typing this would make me feel better, but instead its pulled me a little more into the panicked, desparate, frame of mind that I get stuck in, during these times, so I need to stop now. I have to not to keep imagining how bad it might get, but to stay with how I feel now. I can just barely imagine that I could do that....
Thanks to anyone who's listening!
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Ladies & gentlemen take my advice, pull down your pants and slide on the ice.
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felt stronger: ate braver: feel crappy: but only mild panic
