argument with husband
#95846 - 08/05/04 12:24 PM
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daliatree
Reged: 07/10/04
Posts: 1176
Loc: Manhattan, New York
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Hey everyone
I've been going through a really hard time with my ibs the last two months. I was usually ibs c and I caught a tummy bug from my nephew 2 months ago (1 month before my wedding) and it never really left me. I kept getting reoccurences involving days and days of feeling sooo bad.
Finally last week I was just sobbing and went to see a gastro. he was really really nice and said that he wanted to put me on antibiotics (flagyl) for 10 days, because it is very common in ibs for a 24 hour bug for normal people to last 6 months in ibsers. I am also on a very strict naturopathic diet, which really helps me (unfortunately heathers doesn't), and am only on day 4, which makes me feel very weak and lightheaded at first. I am also on my period...more lightheadedness.
Anyway, my husband is usually super supportive, but today he said 'I wish you'd think of me sometimes' with respect to social arrangements. We just got married and everyone (endless relatives) are inviting us to their houses for dinner...and yes, it IS quite a nightmare for me. This IBS has made me quite sociophobic when it comes to food because so many times people make me feel so stared at and analysed and I've been labelled as obsessive and anorexic. My diet is much stricter then heathers which makes it difficult to tell people about. I am really trying hard this time to stick with it for a few weeks so that I can start to reintroduce foods and finally, after ten years, know what I can and cannot eat. So these months are going to be harder socially. But I feel like it is a small price to pay for the longterm comfort, both socially and physically.
My husband wants me to become more assertive, but I am not a person that relishes being the centre of attention at all, and its hard for anyone that doesn't understand the fear associated with eating to GET how challenging it is to have to explain yourself time and time again to a table of strangers. Yawn.
So I kind of flipped out on my husband and I think he got a shock. I was sobbing and shouting. Its obvious that these last two months have brought me to the end of my tether with this IBS malarky. I find it hard to even have a sense of humour about it at the moment.
I know its hard for him too, but in comparison to me, its not as hard. I really didn't need to feel the added guilt of being his burden at this point.
sorry to rant...really appreciate you all listening....
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Feel the fear and do it anyway!
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I'm sorry you're having such a bad time of it! Too bad hubby isn't able to understand. (Mine has a hard time too, sometimes) Maybe I missed this part, but what about Heather's diet didn't work for you??? Did you follow it strictly?? Or do you have another condition that causes other problems? Sorry, I'm not alot of help. But I want you to know that I'm thinking about you and hope things get better for you.
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~ Rachel (IBS-C)
If life hands you lemons, make lemonade!!
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Hi
So sorry to hear your hubby isnt being understanding. Mine isnt either simply because he thinks I cannot eat anything without getting ill and he gets frustrated with me being ill alot. I just think that people who dont have IBS cant possible understand how it feels and just how awful it can be.
I dont blame you for being scared to go out etc I would be too. We dont go out very much and if my IBS is bad I wont go.
I mostly suffer with pain, ie gas and bloating rather than D or C, but sometimes get them, so its alittle easier to put up with in public, coz I dont have to rush to the loo but I do sit there in pain if I dont have anything to ease the sypmtoms, I find it makes me feel really weak too which is horrible.
I try to go out prepared now. It's not always possible though depending on how bad you feel.
I hope you start to feel better soon, and just know we understand!
Niki
xxx
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Hiya,
I'm sorry you are feeling so upset, and I don't know if it will make you feel better to know that a lot of have been there and know how you (and probably your husband) feel. Even those of us who adore our partners because they are so wonderful MOST of the time have gotten the short end of the sympathy stick now and again and had to be a bit more.. assertive?.. about our feelings.. Okay, for me that meant a similar situation of sobbing and screaming and throwing a pillow at the wall but I'm sure some of us have done it in more matture, productive ways... 
I think it's easy to get really caught up in your IBS because yeah, it makes life difficult. It makes it hard to go out, it makes it hard to eat, it makes it harder to do a lot of things and for a person that never worries about things like that, it just doesn't make a lot of sense.
I know that my boyfriend still gives me a lot less sympathy if anything happens to me now, than a year ago when I first got my IBS back really badly after a few stable years. Even if I get a cold, he pays little attention and dismisses me with things like, "You're always sick". And it infuriates me. But then a second ticks by, he realises what he said and he takes it back and tries his best to be understanding.. even though he won't ever really understand because stepping out the front door never scares him like it does me, etc.
I dunno if there is a way to make our partners and relatives understand how we are feeling.. One way that made my boyfriend come around quite a bit is that he got some food poisoning once and I was really nice to him, and sympathetic and then after it had all passed I said, "Now imagine that being your every day". And he was like a cartoon character with a light bulb over his head finally blinking on. Since then, he has been a lot better.. but there are still times when I can see his disappointment when I won't go out, or won't go in the car for long periods of time, or will be grumpy and want to spend all day in pajamas. But he's coming around, and I think your husband will too. If he got a shock from your emotional response, it might put things in perspective for him.. I find myself 'faking' feeling alright a lot and trying to be okay, so it seems like less of a big deal when it really is... when you let your guard down and let someone know that it IS a big deal, and how much it bothers YOU that you can't do the things you want to do, it's easier to sort of empathize.
I know it's hard, but try and give him some time to wrap his mind around IBS... I mean, I barely understand what is going on in my body, so how can someone else??
If you let him get involved, that might help as well.. Like making herbal teas, or looking at different recipes, going to the pharmacy.. then he will see what you're doing, how there are a million and one things that occupy your mind about IBS and make it more real to him. And if he's moer involved, he'll be less likely to expect more from you than you're ready for.
Good luck!
--Steph
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~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
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Oh, poor thing. A double whammy.....having to adjust to being married and having IBS, too. I am so sorry you are feeling so bad.
I'm sure hubby will come around. Living with and IBS person takes some getting used to. My hubby is pretty understanding but even then sometimes he gives me an attitude and we've been married 37 yrs.
Did Heather's diet not agree with you? Not even the safe foods? Also, could the antibiotic be causing you further problems. Have you tried a probiotic....they are supposed to help when you are taking antibiotics.
I'm sure it must be very stressful just being newly married and everyone wanting you to come over for dinner. Have you thought of making a dish that you can eat and taking that along with you....explaining that you are on a special diet under doctors orders.
I think it is good that you under a gastro's care. Maybe he will able to help you.
Good Luck
Barbie
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Have you tried Dan Active? They are those little yogurt shots with several times the good cultures of yogurt in a small portion. So admittedly it is milk based, but I have found that if I don't drink it right of the fridge (too cold! that upsets my stomach -- wait a minute or two for the chill to disappear) I can handle it and it really has helped me get over regular upset stomaches and the impact of taking antibiotics.
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I'm sorry to hear this, but it will get better, though there will always be lapses... I know.. Bill and I go through them. And he did it to both of us tonight.. I had another docs appt about my diet and am thinkign based on what she said and findign this board about trying heathers diet, but he never let me finish. of course asking after a bad day as soon as he walked in the door left him too short tempered and he LOVES to cook adn hates that he has to clear every item going into the meal for me to be able to eat it. Especially because a LOT of what he likes to eat are things I can't have anymore.
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Dietetics Student (anticipating RD exam in Aug 2010)
IBS - A
Dairy Allergic
Fructose and MSG intollerant
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sorry to hear about your situation -- and being a newlywed on top of it all! it's just a matter of time til hubby comes around, he's been with you this far and has known about the IBS all this time -- and here you are married for better or worse (as the saying goes). if there's a silver lining is that you're able to totally let yourself be open with him and share your emotions (no matter how raw)... in the long run, and for alot of reasons, that is a blessing.
what perked my eyes/ears is "flagyl"... its strong stuff & usually knocks out everything in its path, so it should take care of your bug. but if you're feeling more icky after taking it for a few days, let your MD know, cuz it's notoriously difficult to tolerate, and they can give you something else. hopefully it will be no problem for you, i just wanted to put my 2cents in, since the time(s) i've tried taking it weren't pretty.
hang in there!! -kk
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Understanding IBS
#95902 - 08/05/04 04:52 PM
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Bevvy
Reged: 11/04/03
Posts: 5918
Loc: Northwest Washington State
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Hubby has to be educated about IBS -- and unfortunately, that responsibility lies in your lap. Check this out (and maybe even give it to hubby): web page
I hope it helps.
Bev
P.S.: I was put on Flagyl with my diverticulitis. It's great stuff.
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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I can so understand how you feel as I feel the same way about social situations and making things not as fun as they used to be for my husband. He's seen me for hours in the bathroom and knows what I go through but I also know that at times he is tired of it all. All I can say is hang in there and stand up for yourself. Many times before going somewhere social I eat before I go or bring something I know I can eat. As far as my family & friends, I know some of them sort of understand & the rest think I'm probably a picky hypochondriac. I know I'm for real, so that is what I have to concentrate on. 
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